Sunday, December 28, 2008

Single Digits

This is just a quick post to note how freaking crazy it is to look at that baby ticker and see it in the single digits.
I said to DH that I will miss her being inside me. She is my pal...we hang together...he said well she will be even more of my pal....and I said oh yes, but she will be much more noisy and perhaps won't like the same music as me!

Christmas was wonderful.

We probably have to get a new car for DH this week.

I may get one too.

He is probably going to get a new civic - and I am looking at the matrix (although I still love my car - a pontiac vibe and the only real benefit would be newness and a we will see - i mean childcare and diapers are coming too - so perhaps i should wait...oh the tantilization! and there are such good financing options out there right now...)
alas - we will see what will happens...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

38 Weeks and Christmas Eve

I am so creative with the titles, eh?

It is crazy to look at that baby floating around on the blog and see that it says 13 days until the due date.

It is also fricking fantastic. I am so content that she is hanging out in my gut long enough to ensure that her teeny lungs are prepared to deal with the world! All that worry about pre-term labor! Ha! I should have worried about more important things - like whether I would win my Fantasy football league (I am totally kidding...oh but I DID beat DH this week in the championship game of my family fantasy football league! WOO HOO!)

No sign of the girlet. I mean I have vague nausea and some slowing down of the whole digestive system, but no contractions - not even a lot of braxton hicks. I don't think she will be here until next year. My OB said he would NOT induce until after the first of the year. No worries. She will come when she is ready - or he will force the issue when he thinks he should. I, on the other hand, have no say in this! (Sort of sucky - huh? I mean it is my body! LOL)

I haven't sent my sugar levels to the endocrinologist since last week because - um I am not at work and I don't have easy access to the fax machine. I wish they would give me an email address. What are they gonna do? Come here and beat me up? It is christmas for bejeasus sake and I am 38 weeks pregnant! My sugar levels are fine and it really all seems like a bunch of over-concern.

I am not really that uncomfortable. My next OB appt is friday. I have to see a different doc because of course scheduling a week in advance on a holiday week gives you a very low percentage of getting an appt with your actual doctor. It isn't a big deal. Actually, I thought we were supposed to have visits with other doctors in the practice anyways in case they were the ones on call when you were ready to deliver - so it is probably a good thing. It will give me a chance to meet at least one more and shake hands before that doc ends up with their head peering at my hooha and making major decisions in the birth of our child.

Current worries and prayer wishes:
1. That I am near the hospital and don't get stuck in some bad weather when I go into labor.
2. That girlet is too big to fit through my hooha and I have to have an emergency c-section. I almost wish she had measured larger so there would be no question.
3. Complications in birth - oh it is so scary! We should have more control over this!

Christmas Eve is and has always been probably the biggest deal in my family since before I was born. We ALWAYS have a big party at my childhood home (my brother and his family live there now). It is a log cabin in the woods (hence the being a way from the hospital and going in to labor fear). It is probably one of my favorite days of the year. I am excited - even if I can't drink it up with my cousins this year - I am so happy to get together with everyone and have a great time! One of the highlights of the night is all of the kids and women dancing and singing 'Must Be Santa!'- a song from the Sing Along with Mitch Christmas album....

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Full Term for my Birthday

Today I turn 31! I also am 37 weeks pregnant! Full term! Yay!

I can't think of a better gift!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Psycho Kity

My cats are crazy today.
One is racing through the house. Another thought it would be alright to climb up in the christmas tree.

Here is what I say:

I had to take this off - it was driving me nuts playing automatically when the blog loaded....

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Woodsies and Onesies

Yesterday I went to the annual Woodsie Christmas party. A woodsie is the nickname of a woman who attends my undergrad college - Saint Mary of the Woods College.

This is not a formal college event, but a small gathering of some of the wonderful ladies I went to school with. I was in choir with all of them, and although I was a few years older than most of them, they have welcomed me into their gatherings. It is a delight.

Here is a quick pic of the group....we were so color coordinated with reds/blues and bookend blacks :) ...

And today I did a small craft project.

I made four onesies for little Z. I have been looking at different funny onesies on cafepress and various other sites. I decided rather than paying 20 bucks for them I could just buy a pack of onesies and some iron on transfers and make my own!

Here is all four of them...proof they are onesies....

And here they are individually...
Righteous Baby - my hommage to Ani Difranco's record company....little Z will be one tough chick....

A little Pink Floyd for the DH (it is his favorite band)...

A reference to DH and I being from opposite sides of the state (at least when it comes to college athletics)....

And a math geek's way of showing love....(both DH and I are pretty geeky - especially when it comes to math...I majored in it and he still does problems for 'fun')...

I did one more, only to realize after I had ironed it on that I had deleted a letter prior to printing the iron on...You don't spell grandchild without an L. It was definitely a challenge...I had to figure out how to reverse all of the lettering and pictures prior to printing. I know the typo wasn't in the original document, so I must have deleted it when I had to transfer it to powerpoint to get it to print properly. Ugh. Now do I keep a onesie with a typo? I mean I am going to make other one for public consumption, and maybe some more since I have quite a bit of the iron on stuff left over. I coud just use it as an undershirt i guess... It is funny really.


Friday, December 12, 2008


I wrote the green portion in August. This post has been stirring for a while. I feel like it is time to click 'Publish' and let go.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how the baby will affect my life. I am not so silly to think that I will be able to jump back into everything I did before and move on. I am excited at adding this new role to my life. And I do dream all day long about those wonderful times when I get to be the mother of a person.

But, I have spent so much time not being a mother. I sometimes think it was easier for my Mom because she got married when she was 19 and began having babies. Of course I don't think having nine babies was easy for her, but at least for forming her sense of self. I have spent so much time trying to go through a path that helps me to prepare for this...going to college, getting a job and starting my career....waiting to begin a serious relationship until I knew I was ready...knowing when I was ready and being lucky enough to find that relationship in a relatively short manner of time.

I have worked my entire career at one company. I have paid my dues along the way with time, energy and persistence. I waited through the times it sucked and always remained flexible enough to be in the position to move up to the next rung on the ladder.

When I went to college, I really had no idea what I was going to do. I studied Math and Music. I didn't really have a job or even a type of job lined up when I graduated. I spent a year volunteering through Americorps and the began the search for something. This was the first company that I started at after that. I do feel blessed. I do know that I trusted in Providence enough to take me to where I was supposed to be.

And when I got to this company, I started realizing how different it was for women in the corporate world. I know things have gotten much better, but I see first hand how differently things are done based on gender. I figured out that I would probably have to work three times as hard to get ahead, so that is what I did.

And now...I still feel like the above. It is the path I have walked. I worked my arse off to get where I am and I can't ever worry that this next step is something in contradiction to those efforts. There are days when I fear that I will be seen differently - perhaps not as respected- when I come back to work, but I am sure that is just me making the worst of a situation. I don't want special treatment, but I also know the law is pretty clear and I also know that my work is not like that - my boss is great- the whole place is like a family - and they want what is best for me, as long as I doing what I am paid to do.

I am curious and excited to see where it will lead. I have to go back to work (it isn't an option right now financially, I am an equal breadwinner in this household) after 6 weeks of maternity leave. I know it will be tough. I am already torn. Part of my identity is what I do. If that just stopped when I became a mother, then I would be even more scared of the transition. But there is new part of my identity that will soon emerge. And it is wonderful and meaningful.

And I know I will want to be the one with her at all times. My work is flexible. I will work from home with Z two days out of the work week. She will either be at a day care facility or the home of a friend for three days out of the week. My boss is flexible enough that if I felt I needed to modify that when I return, he would work with me on it, perhaps going part-time or only going into the office half days for a period of time.

I can see us getting to a different point in a few years financially where I could always work part time or even stay home if that is what we wanted to do. Perhaps if we have a second child it would be best. I have toyed with the idea of home-schooling Z when the time comes. We really want to make sure she is prepared in Math and Science and want to take part in her education.

But - that is the future, and right now I am on the fork in the road - the watershed - and i am not going to agonize - I am just excited to see where we go....

Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honeys
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someones tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that its never too late
But you dont, you dont get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And theres always retrospect
(when youre looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me wanna stand still

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Stepping on a crack
Breaking up and looking back
Til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And when youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Gonna have to wait a bit :)

I had my 36 week appt today along with the measurement u/s...and the results are in.

She is weighing in at 6lbs 9ozs. Right on schedule. Her belly is a little fat, and her legs are short. The fluid levels are ok and all is well.

Looks like I won't be needing to schedule a C-Section. I am glad about that.

Oh and I had that swab strep test. No biggie. (Still -yuck)

And I am about 25% effaced. No dialation. Some thinning of the lining.

I didn't gain any weight. I guess that is normal for this time period.

I go to weekly appts now.

Now is when the patience comes. It reminds me again of this...

This may sound silly - because who really thinks I have control over how this happens....but I was at a point where I really wanted to force the issue...I wanted to be induced at the earliest sign that my Doctor was ok with it. I figured the insurance issues and all that would be a nightmare.

Then I reached a point of calmness. And after today's appointment I feel better about it all. I will not induce unless necessary (you can ask me again at 40 weeks - I may have a different point of view and I am ok with that). I want to wait until Z is ready. She will be here soon. And, then we are on to a different world.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


My mom is coming home tonight.

It took them a few days to get her CO2 levels down and her Oxygen levels to where they needed them to do a stress test.

They did the Non-Stress Stress test today and gave her the all clear on her heart.

She has/had pneumonia and it has been causing so much stress on her lungs/heart that it really weakened her.
She is feeling much better. Looking better too.

Thanks for all the prayers!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

36 Week Belly Pic

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Mom

Here is a part of the shower story that I didn't tell because...I don't know...maybe I was in denial or something.
At my shower my mother was feeling awful. I sort of didn't know what to do because I know if it wasn't my shower she wouldn't have been away from home.

My mom has been on oxygen for about a year now. She had a really bad time in the hospital last year with pneumonia and COPD. She has good days and bad. Her oxygen tank on Saturday was really low and we ended up having to call the company that delivers them. Luckily they were able to make it before the people started to arrive, but it was scary and she was worried we would have to call 911.

It was obvious she was not feeling well. I did't know what to do. Having a house full of people doesn't bode well for taking care of a sick momma.

I am very close with my mom. I am her baby girl (actually youngest of all) and we have done some wonderful things throughout my life. She is my biggest fan and I have always been amazed at her strength and warmth. She birthed nine children (with five miscarriages in between) and built a home that was an awesome environment for a child to grow up in.
Here is a pic of me and my Mom from back in my college days...

So yesterday when I stopped by for lunch she wasn't feeling up to walking into the kitchen to chat. I helped her pick out some clothes and brush her hair so she could go to the doctor when my dad got back from an errand.

Last night my dad called and said that they ended up putting her in the hospital. They say it is congestive heart failure and that she probably had a heart attack. I will know more later. I am going to visit her at lunch.

Right now I just hope they are making her comfortable and figuring out what the best thing to do to make her feel better is. I hate it when she feels so bad. I feel so out of control. I can't think of all of the possibilities. There is no life without my mom. And, little Z has to know her Nana well and have lots of wonderful years of playing with Nana's dolls and having Nana come to her dance recital or soccer game or whatever she chooses to take part in.

All prayers are welcome...

Monday, December 8, 2008

December Showers bring Poinsettias?

OK I know the title isn't that witty....

Saturday was my family and friends baby shower. As I posted on Saturday before everyone came, it was at my house and it was snowing!

A few people couldn't make it because of the weather, but there were just enough people there so that no one had to sit on the floor and everyone could fit around the living room for games!

It was a little stressful having it at my house, and I think had I to do over again I wouldn't have chosen that, but it was a great time!

The cake was VERY yummy. DH just threw the last few pieces out yesterday because it is too much of a temptation with Gestational Diabetes! It was simple enough - white cake/butter cream icing from Meijer (had a stork on it), but darn that was good!

The games were actually pretty fun. My sister Lisa (the one that came back from Iraq) is always good for keeping people laughing! If she wasn't here something would have been missing! LOL

The gifts were bright and fun!

Some notable items of the day...the hooter hider! I especially tried to make sure my mom saw this, because she and I had this long discussion about whether breastfeeding in public was acceptable. My mom is a prude. She doesn't even kiss my dad with an open mouth, and they have been married for almost 47 years! And while I don't think breastfeeding is anything to be prudish about, I think it is funny that she has all of these notions about it. She had nine kids and didn't breastfeed a single one. She also tells me she has been watching baby delivery tv shows, but she won't watch the actual birth because she thinks it is completely inappropriate to show that sort of private thing on tv. It's a different world than where she came from...she claims it was better when everything was private and somewhat shameful (not her words). I am on the fence...I would definitely prefer not having Viagra commercials on TV.

Anyways...the hooter hider (and my big belly) from my woodsie lil sis Erika (pictures also courtesy of Erika - thanks chica!)....

The diaper bag from my brother and SIL - she let me pick out the pattern from Vera Bradley and I LOVE IT! It has little owls on it....

And the last thing to show (Although, there were many wonderful things and if you are reading this and you were here or sent something THANK YOU SO MUCH for coming and for your wonderful gifts for Z!!!!) is the dollhouse bookcase...I put it together yesterday and got pastel blue, pastel green and white bins to put in it for storage...

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Pre-Shower Musings

Today is my family and friends baby shower.

It started snowing around 7am and I am hoping that all who can make it arrive safely.

The house is pretty much ready. I didn't get everything on my list of 45 things done, but it is presentable. I just hope people don't go snooping through our messy master bath and all my clothes that need organizing in my closet! :)

I still need to organize little Z's room a bit so people can check it out.

We moved the dogs crate and the ferret into our room for the day.

I am on the verge of a head cold. I felt it coming yesterday. Now I am all snotty and my head is a bit full. All the dusting and sweeping and de-hairing of carpets and upholstery didn't help. Having three cats, two double-coated dogs and a ferret makes for a tremendous amount of hair. Perhaps we should have put a warning for any allergic people to take their meds before they enter, because there is no way we would ever be able to get it all up.

My mom, sister and BFF are coming early to help decorate and set up the cake and stuff.

I have to give myself insulin injections after dinner because my sugars are not lowering after that meal as they do on others. I am sure I probably eat more then too, and I could limit my carb intake through that, but I am usually more hungry then so we decided to go with the injections. It seems to be going ok.

My latest fear is that my water will break and I won't know. It is hard for me to tell - because I don't know what is normal stuff and what is not normal. So now I am just waiting for something that seems completely out of the ordinary until my next OB appointment on Friday. It is my 36 week appt and I will have an ultrasound and a cervical check. My fear is that what if what I think is normal is not and then I get an infection or something. I just don't want to be one of those hypochondriac preggers that think something is wrong when it isn't. I know it is better to err on the side of caution, but then how do I know I am not over thinking it in the first place.

I had my breastfeeding class this past Wednesday. I think I can do it. I know I need to build up more confidence before she comes so that I am 110 percent ready for it. I hope my PCOS doesn't get in the way, and I hope going back to work doesn't become too great of a challenge. I think the benefits outweigh the obstacles, but I am a little concerned that it will be too much for me.

This next Wednesday we have our last of all the classes.
And then the week after that we will be full term.

I walk around knowing I am on the verge of a watershed moment in my life. Once the labor begins I will not be the same person. My life will never be the same.

How extraordinary.

"And how!" as Dorothy Gale would say....

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Post Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was almost like a goofy movie! Fire in the oven, pies flying across the room...I mean...Really! It was hilarious. Sometimes you gotta laugh - you would cry your eyes out if you didn't.

My tree is up! The rest of my decorations are out (the little that there are - almost all center around Rudolph - I am obsessed)!

I went to my GestDiabetes class last week. It really wasn't anything new for me except going over how many carbs I was allowed throughout the day and when/how to check my sugars. I did that class with the nutritionist last year for PCOS/Insulin Resistance, and it is only a slight modification (a simpler process than the one my RE gave me).

My sugar levels seem all over the place. If I had already gone to the endocrinologist I would have had to send them my numbers (I was told if I was over a certain number for two days in a row I was to contact the doctor). I do have at least one level to blame on Thanksgiving stuffing. Another to blame on disgusting fast food when we were running from work to our expectant parent class. (It was the grossest meal I have had in a long time!) I really hope they don't make me take insulin. They should be calling to schedule my appointment tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go for my 34 week appt (although I am almost 35 weeks - the holiday got me all off schedule). I was thinking about checking with my doctor about the back pain. Tylenol is not going to help this type of pain. Some days I can barely walk. I am not sure what to do. How do I work out to get my sugar levels down if I can't transfer my weight to one of my legs without writhing in agony?

I have been riding an emotional roller coaster, and DH is riding right beside me. I feel bad for him. Saturday I simply passed the time. I had no urge to do anything at all - just felt so blah. I watched cheesy christmas movie after cheesy christmas movie. I should have been cleaning my house in preparation for my shower next Saturday. I do better at that stuff at the last minute, when there is no option to go sit down for a break.

Alien squirmer is extremely active at various times throughout the day. She is just as cute as possible, and I really wish she were sitting on my lap rather than inside it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

New Name Ideas

I am in the brainstorming period of creating a new blog. I never liked the name of this blog too much - felt like it didn't reflect all of me - and isn't as quirky as intended.

Anyways, with the kidlet on the verge of emerging, I think it will soon be time to move on to a different blog. The new one is not about the family - because it is mostly about me - of course it will be about my journey into motherhood with little Z, but it will also be about love (wonderful DH - indirectly), providence, work, and just about everything encompasses me. (Egotistical - right??) I guess what I mean is it isn't like it will be 'The Kyle Family' blog (although it will include fun facts about the kyle family).

If/when we decided to have another child and we have issues (highly likely) - this blog will still live on...

So for now I am building lists of possible names. I want to carefully select this one, rather than 'getting it over with' because I am afraid I will chicken out like I did before. I will not make the switch until little Z sleeps, eats and poops safely at home.
I am also thinking about switching to wordpress. Any suggestions regarding pros/cons of blogger to wordpress?

Friday, November 21, 2008


Yesterday I was in such a bad mood. Nothing that bad went on, yet I was very irritable. I know I was a down right baby at times.

One thing that happened though really has me worried.
DH told me his company is switching insurance carriers on Jan 1st. I guess they switch plans every year, but the plans with the same carrier didn't seem to vary too much. This year, though, they happen to have switched the entire carrier.

I am not really sure where to go from here on this. I am due January 6th/9th.
We have been paying a monthly payment in estimation of what our entire maternity cost will be for our current plan. Now that seems to go out the window.

A 38th week induction is starting to sound very convenient. If I knew little Z would be ok, I would totally go for it.

I have switched insurance plans four times in the past three years. Every time it is a nightmare getting them all of the paperwork. I am sure I won't want to deal with it when I am taking care of a newborn and recovering from giving birth.

Plus, the last I heard, the new plan is with the carrier that is having issues with the hospital I am delivering at. If those issues are not resolved and they are no longer a preferred provider I may have to switch everything around. I think (pray,hope) they will (damn well better) resolve it. Ugh.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am thankful to have insurance. Our current plan was wonderful - they covered most of our fertility costs. It was a blessing while we had it. And the other plan is just as good (yet, I doubt it has the fertility treatments) and I am blessed to have health insurance in the first place. (although people who don't have insurance sometimes don't realize what we are paying for this stuff...160+ bucks every pay period...not cheap...)

I just needed to vent.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A bad day

I promise I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I promise I know how lucky we are that little Z is coming.

But, damnit if my back didn't hurt like a mutha yesterday.
I could hardly walk because at times I couldn't put pressure on one of my feet.

We went to the gymn in the morning and I walked on the treadmill for about 18 minutes. Then I walked over to the grocery and picked up items for the week. I think all of that excercise is what wore my back out for the day. Shopping alone usually makes me ache for the rest of the day.

I say 'all of that excercise' like I was running a marathon or something. I don't know if I can keep going to the gym regularly if it makes me an invalid for the rest of the day. Perhaps I should walk on the treadmill in the evening instead.

I have known for a while that my back is on it's way to an early retirement. At thirty years old I shouldn't have these pains. I know it is because of the 15 years I spent as a child in dance and gymnastics (especially all of that tumbling on concrete and high school gymnasiums without a mat).

Anyways, have a great day all!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Gestational Diabetes

I failed the 3 hour Glucose test.
I guess I failed two of the drawings. Neither of my failures were extreme, but just enough to tip the balance.

What does that mean?
Well, today my doctor said I have only gained 16 pounds. I think I might have said 18 before, but now that I look at it, he is right. So most likely I am doing fine and it won't be a huge deal. I really think all of the weight I have gained is baby weight - if anything I feel smaller in my face and arms and legs.

I have to go see an endocrinologist. The nurses are supposed to call to set up an appointment. I will know more then. I am guessing I will have to start monitoring my sugar and go back to my old PCOS diet, stick to sugar free or low sugar items and unfortunately no more potatoes. :(

I get to have an ultrasound at my 36 week appt to check out her size instead of just belly measurements. She will probably NOT be small, but I don't think she will be gigantic. The doctor keeps saying that GD babies tend to have big trunks...I don't quite know how to imagine that, but we will see. If she does get too big I will have a C-Section. I don't mind having a c-section. All I want is to have a safe and healthy delivery of our little girl.

I think I have started to feel emphathetic clausterphobia, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine her being crammed in my belly.

My work baby shower was yesterday and it was great! I will post on that this weekend.

I ordered our car seat today. I decided at the last minute that I was not going to use the travel system I had originally registered for because:
1. I really wanted a Chi.cco car seat, and I couldn't imagine paying over 300 bucks for the travel system.
2. I didn't really like it that much. I loved the pack n play that was part of the set, but I just registered for that travel system because it was easier, and how silly is that.

I picked up a bab.y tr.end sna.p n go stroller to go with the car seat. I know those are not listed as ones that are compatible, but everything I read from other users said they were able to make it fit. I found it on craigslist and got it for 20 bucks. It is well worth it if it works. If not, we will find something else.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


This post has nothing to do with infertility or my pregnancy.
Yet, this is a very important post to me.

My sister is home.

She has been gone since January 3rd.

She has been in Iraq, serving our country.

She has a loving husband and two teenage daughters that have missed her drastically.

She won't be home-home until the end of the month.
Here are some photos of the homecoming.

My two beautiful nieces....

With anticipation....

Not enough words in our vocabulary....

All smiles...

Doing her duty (she is a PA officer)...

A slight pause...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

First Class

We had our first expectant parents class last night.
It was good to go over all of the stages of delivery. Even talking about pregnancy stuff was good because the doctor's visits seem so brief. My doctor is VERY soft spoken and gentle (which I hope comes in handy some day), but it leaves room for information that I substitiute Dr Google for and never feel secure.

The movie wasn't that bad. We have three more weeks of that class and then a class on breastfeeding and a class on Newborn care. I hope we make it to the last of those classes. At that point I will be 36 weeks...and it will be the week after my Family Baby shower. If she comes before that I will 1. have to go to a different hospital (I learned that at the class) 2. NOT be ready.

Next week we tour the facility and learn ways to manage pain. (I am really trying to just not think about the pain. I figure it will be bad, it will not last more than a day or so, and then we will have a gift.)

We are 31 weeks. I have decided to forget about which day of the week we 'turn' that week, because it was originally a Tuesday, but then changed to a Friday, so around Tuesday I say we are in the next week.

It all seems a little trivial at this point....she could come at 37 weeks she could come at 38 weeks, and whenever she comes she is here...I just hope it is after 36 weeks...(I feel like I should be singing 'She'll be coming around the mountain')

On election night it was more interesting to watch my belly than the TV at first...she was squirming so much I felt like I was in an alien movie.

DH is adorable...he keeps saying 'I just wish she was here right now....'

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Held in Providence

This weekend I will be going through a commitment ceremony to become a Providence Associate. I have been thinking about how Providence moves in my life

I sent this in an email to a friend/mentor this morning...this is my reflection so far...on where I am and how Providence guides me...

Once my cardinal direction was settled (marriage/secular life) I definitely became more grounded. The journey is always enlightening, but to me a lot of times it was a struggle - the unknown/fear. Not that everything is known now, nor that things do not change, but for now I don't have to make those decisions.

Of course other decisions/issues arise. I do feel like I was prepared for them. Struggling with infertility was not going to shake my core, threaten my complete least not so much that I would end up in a hospital. I may end up at a therapist, but I think that is a good/normal thing.

Infertility - it is hard to explain...when you spent ten years trying to improve your self image, it doesn't help when your own body is working against you to achieve a goal...the feelings of guilt and worry...but I do feel like the whole time I managed to keep my head above water. I do feel like I was more positive about how things would end up than negative. I wanted to try and get around it with the least amount of 'displacement'... that doesn't mean it wasn't tough. I can see how many marriages are tested with is hard for two people to keep hope at the same level and focus and direction without surrendering...

And to lose a experience wasn't easy...even more of a toll on your self esteem. You can get pregnant, sure, but you just aren't fit to carry it - other people do it all the time, but your body can't provide more than a few weeks of shelter...and then the idea of what that means, and how to place it in your life. Was that a baby? Was it just some hormones? How do you process it, giving the emphasis that you need without being swallowed?

So when we finally came to the point that we were going to use medications, the first week of the treatment I was at the woods. I think that has a big part of how we got to where we are today. I was at that retreat, and I wasn't ignoring the issue, but I was also preparing/centering for what was to come. I went to every shrine and prayed and lit candles. I didn't have control, but I wanted to make sure I got as many entities aware and rooting for us.

And then we did concieve. And there was the ordeal of having odd numbers. The faith that I had to have to make my doctor wait before she forced me to terminate when she thought it was ectopic...because that wasn't how I felt...because I felt like this baby deserved a little more time to wait and see.

I haven't been able to enjoy the pregancy like most women...I have fought the urge of being succumbed by fears, waiting for the other shoe to drop...being aware and doing the best that I personally can to make everything ok, but still knowing that it is not in my control...

And then she was/is growing strong inside me...she is kicking and nudging my insides..and I have been blessed...our prayers were answered...but life always has strange ways

Because then Sue died. And the mixture of new life and stinging death has surrounded me...I woke up the other morning with the smell of Sue's perfume in my nose...and the memory of the scent lingered day long...I have dreams about once a week where she visits and it is comforting and saddening at the same time...

And as the time of Z's birth gets closer, I feel more confidence, but not complete...there is fear...

And during all of this I am held in Providence...there is trust...

Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Daylight Savings Time

I awoke at 3:30am. I knew I wouldn't be easy for me to go back to sleep so I came downstairs to watch TV until I felt sleep again.

Little did I know that it was not 3:30 am.

So here I am sitting up from 2:30am to 4am.

I swear it is 5! 5 is not so bad!

My extra hour of sleep would normally be welcome (sans pregnancy). These days though I can't stay awake past 9pm, and I always wake up early (not quite so early as 3:30 everyday).

Two years ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but then Indiana lawmakers decided it was time for the Hoosiers to join the rest of the country (except Arizona) and roll back/spring forward our clocks. Perhaps if I had lived with this clock rolling/springing process my whole life it would be easier. Ugh.

OK. I am going back to sleep now.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

1 Hour GTT

I forgot to mention that I failed my one hour glucose test. Darn. I really thought that I might be able to get around all that sugar watching crap. And, I definitely didn't want to have to sit through the three hour test.

My score was 150.

Those nurses will NOT want to be around me by the second hour. No breakfast! All Morning! I will not be a very nice marsupial.

BTW - That is how I have felt every so a kangaroo - with a Zoe ...joey in my pocket...

Did you know that female marsupials have two vaginas?

Did you know that the plural of vagina is vaginae?

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!


It is hard to explain how it feels to see the face your child for the first time.
I can't wait to hold her.

Here is a close up of Z's face...I think she has my nose...

Here she is, curled up and kicking it...

And here are her big feet...I think she got these from her dad....

Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Starbuck gets the joke

When the leaves come falling down...

Today we went to a popular state park for autumn vistas. Of course, I took the opportunity to try out the new D60.
Below is a slideshow of my favorite pictures.

The video quality doesn't do the D60 justice, so if you want to look at the pictures themselves, take a peak (actually the first two are of my doggies, but they are cute too!)...
Fall 2008

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Love's Recovery

For some reason I have had this song playing in my head for a few weeks....

It is really beautiful. It doesn't really speak about my life these days...a few quips from it are my favorite, and they will always speak to me....

'There I am in younger days, star gazing,
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be.
Not counting the unmarked paths of misperception,
my compass, faith in love's perfection,
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen....'

I have a very vivid memory that I relate to this line...It is me, walking in the mid - evening with my best friend on our beautiful college campus...It was the end of summer vacation before my junior year. I had spent a lonely hot summer living on a campus where there were perhaps 6 other students. My best friend had graduated in May and part of me was wondering what I would do with my time in the coming year. That is the me that I see in the 'There I am in younger days', but the picture perfect maps were never very clear during those years. I sometimes felt swallowed by the unknown...the possibility. I could be a nun (I was very serious, people - no joke)...I could get married (yeah right)...I could be boldly independent.

I never became a my current state shows (LOL). I never felt confident enough to take the first commited steps, and I suppose it came down to point that NOT making a decision IS making a decision.

And I did get married...once I finally understood the point...once I understood that marriage could be whatever my partner and I made it to be...and not the same old scary confinement that loomed over me during those days.

And these days I am thankful that there is not so much unknown in my life. The unknown of infertility and pregnancy is tough enough. If I was still wondering about major life directions, I would be more insecure. I try to remember everyday how blessed I am. I try not to let the unknown how little Z is and when we will go into labor and whether I will need surgery and whether she will be early. I am thankful for these worries. And there will always be whatifs in my life. I just don't worry about the past whatifs too much and try not to worry about the future ones....

'Tell all the friends
who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather'

Not that my life is static - I look forward to the changes that will my family - with little Z, with career possibilities, what new places we will live in and visit, there are so many opportunities again - and I do make a choice every day to be married - it's not perfect - but it is beautiful, and I am able to grasp my strength and not let unknowns cause insecurities...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The arrival...of the D60 that is....

My new toy was delivered tonight. Thankfully it is in tact and I have been playing around with it. I say 'thankfully' primarily because the UPS person left it with my neighbor without my consent. I am not surprised, because she works for UPS, so she probably told them that I would be ok with it. It sort of bothers me, because it looked like someone tried to cut the tape on the sides of the box to get a peek at what was inside. A lot of I suppose I have a case for a complaint to UPS, but I really don't want to bother with it. All is well that ends well, as I have my new camera and it is intact. I want to believe that her intent was to be helpful because she knows I work a ways away. I just wish she would have asked me this evening and then offered to have them drop it there tomorrow. OK. Moving on...

I have had a chance to play around with it.
Here are some pictures for your delight. I have a lot to learn about all of the settings, but just playing around with it is fun too.




The Big Belly...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

OK - No more whining

Sorry for the whiney post. I know those days just come and go.

I went to my Terre Haute for a play last night. It was a nice rendition of a play they did when I was there (I Sleep but My Heart Watches). It was about the life of the foundress of my college, Saint Mother Theodore Guerin (the eighth Catholic Saint from North America). I wasn't exactly in it when they did it because I went to Italy for MTGs Beatificaion the week before, so I was supposed to sing a solo at the end. Then a very close person to me died the day of the dress rehearsal so I ended up not being in it at all. Needless to say, it was a very hard time for me.
And this year they put the production together at the last minute in honor of Sister Sue. I made it a point to be there in homage to Sue and Mother Theodore and the wonderous place that is Saint Mary-of-the-Woods.
I am glad I went, even though it meant staying up way later than I have been able to these days. The play started when I am usually falling asleep. I got home at 11:30pm, but I wasn't too exhausted.

In other news, I made a big purchase today that is related to our little Z. I ordered my first DSLR camera. I went with the Nik.on D60. I can't wait to start learning how to use it. I talked DH into getting it now so I would have plenty of time to understand all the bells and whistles before little Z gets here. I am just so excited. :) It is something I have been dreaming about for a while...I took some photography classes a few years back and since my current camera will cost 200+ to fix, I figured now was the time.

Friday, October 17, 2008

I ask for Providence to smile upon me...

Today was my 28 week appt. I got a Rhogam shot and had my normal (non-PCOS early) 1hr Glucose test. I had a little food before I went in because they said I could at my last appointment. Also, I had around three sips of coffee. All of the sudden the sips of cream and sweetener with my coffee was going to completely mess up my test. I knew it was ridiculous because I barely drank any of it, and my emotions just about tipped over so they went ahead and did the test.
It put me in an unsettled mood for the rest of the appointment. I was on the verge of tears over nothing and I couldn't help it. I realize now that I have been like that for a few weeks. This past Saturday I had coffee with a mentor from college and the whole time I felt like I was just shy of tears. Some of it was natural - grieving, etc, but other teetering moments I think were directly related to hormones and the unknown.
So back to my appt. Not much else happened. You know, I am astonished at how little they actually do at these appointments. I mean is it worth it really? I could get a dopler and listen to the heartbeat. I could track my weight gain and check my blood pressure. I sort of feel lost when I go there, like I am supposed to learn more, that there is more to it, but there isn't. I just go and they check my blood pressure and they check my weight and they listen to Z's heartbeat. I am thankful for listening to Z's heartbeat (it was 140) but these things don't calm any of my fears.

I do suppose my next visit (in two weeks - now that I am in the seventh month) will give me more to either worry or feel better about - since we have the 3D/4D ultrasound.

Nothing will calm my fears until she is sleeping beside me or crying because she wants to be fed. And even then my fears will be different - the ones I don't speak of here - the ones about what I will do wrong...

I do not mean to sound so disappointed and definitely not ungrateful. I am thankful that Z's heartbeat was nice and strong. I am thankful that the little frog is jumping inside me everyday and jabbing my belly out. I think these next 12 weeks are going to fly by. I do feel it already happening.

I have my registry set up. I chose only tar.get, because it was just too much work to keep track of what was where with the big baby super store, and I completely dislike wal.mart.

I have a work baby shower Nov 13th.
My family and friends will be having one on Dec 6th. Seeing that it is October 17th - that DOES NOT seem like too far away. It is almost kind of scary. On the other hand - 12 weeks seems like an eternity.

And I have this crazy apprehension that no one will want to come to my shower. That no one even really wants to throw me a shower. That it is all a pain that I am forcing people to endure. I know it is silly - because everyone that comes will be great and it won't matter how many people are there - and people do want to come and celebrate little Z.

I think it all ties into the closeness of those tears. My insecure self is shining through - the one who always fears that no one will like her or that everyone who she thought cared really was just pretending and laughing at her behind her back. It sucks. I know I will manage - and if it gets too tough I will set an appointment with my therapist.

'My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage,
my greatest hope, greatest cause to grieve,
and my heart flew from its cage, and it bled upon my sleeve...'
-Indigo Girls

Monday, October 13, 2008

Just add baby (oh and clothes and wipes and all the other stuff babies need)

I have been somewhat obsessing about the nursery these past few weeks. I think it has given me a way to pass the time.

So I have lots of pictures to show today. They are kind of dark, because it wasn't the best light and my camera flash isn't working. Still, I think you get the idea.

Here is the mural that my mom and I worked on...
From Un-Simple Procreation

I really like the way it turned out. My mom's flowers and butterfly are really cute. I drew the bumblebee and the sun and stenciled in the words. The quote is from a Beth Orton song if you are not familiar, 'Live as you Dream'.

The crib and it's canopy...
From Un-Simple Procreation

It took a few attempts to figure out how to get the canopy to stay up. I ended up putting a dry through anchor into the ceiling and attaching a metal loop thingy (my extensive hardware knowledge is evident) to it. Then I used picture wire to attach it to the loop. I know we will have to move it when she gets big enough to try and rip it down. I guess I will hang something else up there then.

Some cherries on the wall...
From Un-Simple Procreation

I know they don't look the greatest, but it was a tribute to Mary Engelbreit. LOL

A little mural I did on another wall...
From Un-Simple Procreation

I found this quote in a ME book and I thought it was appropriate. I really like the way it turned out. My picture is not what ME's was about, but I like the little bird and the nest. :)

The queen bed and wall decor...
From Un-Simple Procreation

DH got Zoe a parasol at a festival we went to, so I put it up on the wall. You can see some of the ME posters we got too.

A view from the corner with the glider and window...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I think the glider fits right in.

View from the window of the dresser and wall decor...

From Un-Simple Procreation

Those are four ME prints that my mom painted the frames for, among other things.

Close up of dresser/changing table...
From Un-Simple Procreation

I will have to see how the changing pad fits on it, but I think the color is cute as a button.

Birdhouse shelf...
From Un-Simple Procreation

I got all of these birdhouses at craft stores and my mom painted them. Aren't they adorable?!

A marionette...
From Un-Simple Procreation

A ladybug and flower...
From Un-Simple Procreation

It was hard to get a good picture because there isn't a lot of light in that corner.

Name on wall....

From Un-Simple Procreation

My mom painted these letters. :)

And last but not least, the ceiling...
From Un-Simple Procreation

Do you see the whale? The bunny rabbit? :)

DH is really liking the nursery. He says he wants to take over the room himself. He said I need to move on to our room (although I can't seem to get him to understand that our room is decorated - but we are adults so it isn't nearly as fun! He wants a Star Wars theme. lol)

Well that is all for now!
I have my 28 week appt this friday, then it is on to bi-monthly appointments.
In two weeks we will have the 3D/4D Ultrasound. I am anxious to see the little body that keeps kicking me and the little face....

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Blue, here is a shell for you...A foggy lullaby

Today I helped here and there whilst the DH painted the nursery. He came through like a champ. I had borrowed a ladder from my sister, because he had to paint the ceiling. My husband is about 6'7". He just reached up and rolled it on. It always amazes me what he can do with such height...because I am 5'2".

The walls and ceiling are a robin's egg blue. I know that is not normally a color you would think of for a girl, but I was totally against painting it pink. I think assigning a color to a gender is ridiculous.
Another reason it is blue is because it is only the background. I have been a big fan of clouds (one of those girls with cloud pants, a cloud loft in college, cloud boxes, anything you can think of). So my Mom and I are going to paint clouds on the ceiling next weekend (we will DEFINITELY need the ladder LOL).

Also, my mom is really artistic, so she will be helping me to paint other odds and ends onto the walls from all of the MaryE Decorating books I checked out from the library - some flowers and quotes, maybe a tree, bumblebees, little whimsical things.

One more thing I wanted to mention that I don't think I had. This week we had a new revelation. Little Z is kicking. I think before all those movements were her hands punching, but now she is kicking high and it is visible from the outside. It was so weird! I felt my stomach lurch, and then I waited and it happened again and I watched it. It was so cool! I also got DH to be patient enough so he saw her give me a big kick. It is so funny. It must be the way I sit on the couch becuase it is always visible on the same side when I am sitting in this particular spot.

***Title is quoted from the song 'Blue' by Joni Mitchell

Saturday, September 27, 2008


Well, I said I couldn't wait to re-cover the glider, and I really meant it. Last night as I listened to the Presidential Debate (I still am not sure who I want to vote for) I worked on stripping the fabric off of the cushions and getting it done. It isn't the greatest job in the world, but I think it will suffice. I think it looks too cute. I bought three yards of fabric, but I could have used an extra yard. I had to strategically place ribbons in the folds underneath and in the back to make sure there was enough fabric to cover, and I had to take trimmings from one piece and sew it to another for the last cushion because there wasn't enough of the bulk left over.
Here is where I got the goods on how best to recover the cushions.
I still have to put the ribbons in the back to fasten the cushions to the chair. I think big ribboned bows will be so much cuter than velcro. And, I think I might add a few snaps on those creases with the ribbons because they are sort of puckering and I don't want the cushion in the back exposed.
I didn't actually sew at all, I used the stitch-witchery and ironed it all together. I don't own a sewing machine or I would have definitely done that. At least with the stitchwitch I could make sure it was tight and straight - something I am not great at when sewing by hand. I only took one home ec class my whole schooling. I mean really - I am SEW not a home ec queen, but I can get something done if I put my mind to it!
PS Please excuse the messy house! And the flash does not work on my camera, so when I get a better camera or a brighter environment I will take a better picture. :)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

24 Week OB and 25 week Pic

I normally would have posted last Friday after my 24 week OB appt, but I was in sort of a fog and I just waited.

The appointment went well. Heartbeat 150 bpm.
Woo hoo! 24 weeks! (Actually 25 now!) We are in the sixth month! yay!
I have a little creature that does flips and kicks. On Saturday I got up at 4am to go to the bathroom and she woke up. She kept on kicking me and I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to poke her back, but I don't think she could tell. LOL

Above is a 25 week belly pic taken yesterday. I look like a troll...but it is the first and only belly pic I have managed to take, so I figured I better put it up. I have been saying I would put one up for months!

I finally decided on a theme for the nursery. She will have a little Mary Engelbreit themed room. If you don't know Mary E, check out her website at My Mom is going to come up in a few weeks and we will do some painting for the room. Not actually painting the room, I think I will make the DH and my brother do that, but we will be painting some accents. I am really excited about the room. I think it will be adorable. I ordered some ME prints, posters and fabric. A friend is making a quilt and bumpers. If I hadn't mentioned before, we got our crib at ikea, and it is royal blue. I bought a nice old dresser at our community garage sale a few weekends ago and last weekend we painted it a kermit the frog green. I am turning it into a changing station. I also got a glider for the baby's room for 25 bucks. I can't wait to get it recovered and get all the furniture and painting and fun stuff into the room.

I think my shower will be in November. Probably after thanksgiving. We are most likely going to have it right here at our house. It is a good central location and it means we won't have to move stuff back to the house. I will have to have help doing a deep cleaning beforehand - two long-haired dogs and three cats ensures that there is always a need for a deep cleaning prior to guests.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but since the beginning of the pregnancy I have developed allergies. Have any of you had a similar experience? I never had allergies before, they moved in to my nose somewhere around the time that the baby moved into the Ut. Now I sneeze several times every day. (Interesting feeling my body change its reaction to sneezing - from a deep diaphramic sneeze to everything occuring above my belly). This whole thing doesn't help my weak bladder. I don't think I should be needing Depends by six months, sheesh! Do you think they will go away when I have the kid? Or am I stuck with these sneezes for teh rest of my life? Oh brother!

That is about all I can think of today. I hope you all have a great day!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


This weekend something changed in the world, something changed in how I see the future, and how I treasure the past.

My dear friend and mentor lost a brief battle with cancer.

It is hard for me to give you a description of this women, both for my lack of brilliance and her indescribableness.

Imagine the strongest and biggest tree in the forest, providing shelter to so many creatures.

Consider the most beautiful field of flowers, no that isn't quite right, because she wold be the one knowing the beauty of specific seeds, providing the field to spread the seeds, fertilizing the ground to promote growth...watering, cultivating....creating the beautiful field of flowers.

She is the one that helped you to figure out how to grow, the one that saw what you could become, and then marveled as it happened.

Sister Sue Pietrus left our world suddenly this past weekend. She was the chorale and madrigal director at St. Mary-of-the-Woods College, among many other things.

I went to the Woods for an education and I found a family. She kept me on my toes and always made sure I knew I was loved.

It will take some time for me to believe there is a future without her. You see, she was supposed to meet my little girl next year. And I do not think I will ever be able to do her justice. Little Z needs to know what Sue was like, because she should want to be like her.

I always did.

I always wanted to be like her and I wanted to make her proud.

A beautiful description of Sue written by her best friend - Sister Dawn, and read at the vigil service this past week....

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Kyle Story

Friday, August 22, 2008


Today was our big U/S.
All was well. Everything looked good and the heartbeat is strong. The only thing they were not able to assess was HER lips (full assessment for cleft palate, etc). For some reason that has been one of my irrational fears for a few months now. It isn't in my family or my husband's. And it is something that is easily corrected too, so I am just going to lay off the worry for a bit. I dreaded going in and finding out something horrible today.

It was wonderful. As the title suggests, it is a girl. We are fairly certain on names, but I am waiting to confirm because at least now that we know the gender my husband won't get annoyed at my endless discussion of names.

My husband was so cute. He had been kind of thinking about a boy. We both, of course, just wanted a healthy baby, but I think it is only natural to think of your first child as your own gender. I told him he could take the little girl fishing and teach her math and science all he wants. He said as we walked away - "You know they alway say 'Daddy's Little Girl' and 'Momma's Boy' so I think I just might get the better end of this deal." :)

We are thrilled. Healthy baby, 20 weeks, half way there! The time has NOT flown for me. Maybe it will from now on, but every week has seemed slow. I will take a belly pick this weekend.