This weekend I will be going through a commitment ceremony to become a Providence Associate. I have been thinking about how Providence moves in my life
I sent this in an email to a friend/mentor this morning...this is my reflection so far...on where I am and how Providence guides me...
Once my cardinal direction was settled (marriage/secular life) I definitely became more grounded. The journey is always enlightening, but to me a lot of times it was a struggle - the unknown/fear. Not that everything is known now, nor that things do not change, but for now I don't have to make those decisions.
Of course other decisions/issues arise. I do feel like I was prepared for them. Struggling with infertility was not going to shake my core, threaten my complete stability...at least not so much that I would end up in a hospital. I may end up at a therapist, but I think that is a good/normal thing.
Infertility - it is hard to explain...when you spent ten years trying to improve your self image, it doesn't help when your own body is working against you to achieve a goal...the feelings of guilt and worry...but I do feel like the whole time I managed to keep my head above water. I do feel like I was more positive about how things would end up than negative. I wanted to try and get around it with the least amount of 'displacement'... that doesn't mean it wasn't tough. I can see how many marriages are tested with infertlilty...it is hard for two people to keep hope at the same level and focus and direction without surrendering...
And to lose a child...to experience that...it wasn't easy...even more of a toll on your self esteem. You can get pregnant, sure, but you just aren't fit to carry it - other people do it all the time, but your body can't provide more than a few weeks of shelter...and then the idea of what that means, and how to place it in your life. Was that a baby? Was it just some hormones? How do you process it, giving the emphasis that you need without being swallowed?
So when we finally came to the point that we were going to use medications, the first week of the treatment I was at the woods. I think that has a big part of how we got to where we are today. I was at that retreat, and I wasn't ignoring the issue, but I was also preparing/centering for what was to come. I went to every shrine and prayed and lit candles. I didn't have control, but I wanted to make sure I got as many entities aware and rooting for us.
And then we did concieve. And there was the ordeal of having odd numbers. The faith that I had to have to make my doctor wait before she forced me to terminate when she thought it was ectopic...because that wasn't how I felt...because I felt like this baby deserved a little more time to wait and see.
I haven't been able to enjoy the pregancy like most women...I have fought the urge of being succumbed by fears, waiting for the other shoe to drop...being aware and doing the best that I personally can to make everything ok, but still knowing that it is not in my control...
And then she was/is growing strong inside me...she is kicking and nudging my insides..and I have been blessed...our prayers were answered...but life always has strange ways
Because then Sue died. And the mixture of new life and stinging death has surrounded me...I woke up the other morning with the smell of Sue's perfume in my nose...and the memory of the scent lingered day long...I have dreams about once a week where she visits and it is comforting and saddening at the same time...
And as the time of Z's birth gets closer, I feel more confidence, but not complete...there is fear...
And during all of this I am held in Providence...there is trust...
Held - Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
