Monday, June 30, 2008


Our vacation was wonderful. We go to FL every year to visit DH's great Aunt who is 92. We may not go there next year, because every year she seems to push us out of the door after three hours, and it seems like an awful lot to take an entire weeks vacation for just three hours. Perhaps we could just go for a weekend next year. Then we could spend a week doing something different than the same old same old.

Nonetheless it was a good trip. A good balance between visiting relatives and spending time alone. We did have at least one night at a little motel in St Petersburg with no inlaws or sisters and aunts to visit with. And we got plenty of time with the family too.

It has been four weeks since I saw a doctor. Four weeks since I had an ultrasound.
I have no symptoms of a M/C but I am so worried. I have my second OB appt on thursday. I can't wait, just to monitor the heartbeat.

I wanted to buy a fetal heart monitor, just to abate my fears. I did buy an inexpensive one, only to open the package and see in the box that it says it won't be useful until the third trimester.

It is always in the back of my mind that something will go wrong. I know it is because we had such a hard time getting here (not nearly as hard as some people, I know) and because the start was so rocky.

I also worry about everything that I do. I am not perfect. I know I am not the perfect vessel to carry a child. For instance, I longed for seafood on our trip to the ocean (I didn't eat the shark DH caught, but I did other food, and I know it is ok and not to overdo it - but I wanted it so much - and I probably had more in that week than normally recommended - even of the safe but low quantity fish).

If there is anything wrong with our child, I will always feel responsible. I know that things happen and that babys are born with defects all the time, and most of them are not attributable to anything directly done by the mother, but I will immediately feel responsible. I am getting the tests done to check on anything that they can these days, but I would never make a decision to terminate. I am only checking so I will be aware.

And so, I wait. I am trying to be patient.
I am thirteen weeks tomorrow. I am out of the first three months. I have no spotting, no major pains. As far as I know I have nothing to worry about, but alas, I do worry.

I never realized how long the nine months would seem. Every day, potty break, every uterus expansion. I am aware. I am probably more aware than most people are (except for us IF). I hope, I pray, and rely on faith. I say I will feel responsible, but i also try to rationalize and keep myself sane. I know that things happen that we have no control over. At times we do not even have control over thigns that people think we have control. I have no switch that just flips and poof I am pregnant so I will constantly do all things for the life growing inside of me. I thought that is the way it would be. But now I just have a switch that flipped and poof everything I do I wander if I am causing a lifelong issue.

I don't want you to think I am out partying it up all the time. I am not. At all. I am just way over thinking everything - and for the love of flowers I am worrying about every small thing.....

Anyone have a fetal monitor that they purchased and don't need for say - four months?

Anyone recommend a good fetal monitor that is under 200 bucks?

If all goes well at my appt on Thursday - I will be inclined to tell more people - friends, co-workers who are not aware.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

It will change in two minutes.

This u/s was taken last Friday. It was the first time DH had gone with me, and we had a really great time. You could see little arm and leg buds and the little subset was moving around a lot. It was hard to get a good steady picture, but everything looked great. The top picture shows the side view of the subset. The bottom one shows a top or bottom view (not sure), with a good strong heartbeat.

Little subset is 10 weeks this week. It is officially a fetus.

Sadly, this is the last u/s I will have for quite a while. It feels sort of wierd to not go see my RE for a long time (years or maybe never). I will miss WN1. I didn't get to see her for the last two times. I will have to stop by early next year, if all goes well.
I am really just trying to relax and stop worrying that everything will come crumbing down. I have no m/c symptoms. All of the u/s have shown a healthy heartbeat and accurate growth rates. Right now I am focusing on the first of July, when I will be approaching 14 weeks. One trimester at a time.

On a personal front, I think my progesterone levels have started to soar this week. THe only indication I have of this is that my emotions have been in upheaval the entire week. At first I could sense the bitchiness but not act on it. Now I am jumping at any opportunity before I can stop myself. And the next minute I will be in tears of frustration or sadness or worry. Nothing is wrong, work stuff is just work and not really something I care so much to cry about. My husband may just be making a joke and I take it all the wrong way.

This morning I was trying to get the scanner to work on the new vista machine and it wouldn't work. I got up at 5am and dh woke up around 545. He suggested we go to the gym and albeit did get kind of cranky trying to get me to get dressed. And this caused me to eventually just break down. Frack Vista! Wasting my time! Frack DH! Being mean to me when he gets up! AAAHHH! We worked it all out, but did not get to the gym.

He is realizing that although I am carrying this subset - it will affect him. I am really going to try to keep my emotions leveled, with the understanding that I need a little leeway because it isn't always possible.

This Saturday we are going on vacation. We are taking a road trip to Florida to visit DHs parents and great aunt and my sister and aunts. Last year when we made our annual trek I had to do a huge software deployment. That is what I do for money - I manage a software product. We got our most recent deployment out this past weekend, so I shouldn't have to worry about working at all. The deployment is why I have been so bad at posting frequency over the past few weeks.

PS - I ended up having to bring my laptop up to the office to get the scan to work....ugh. Dear HP - I most certainly do have HP Products installed on that machine - so why won't your Solution Center open????