Saturday, December 22, 2007

100 things

I have seen a bunch of bloggers do this. I actually started it a few months ago, but man it takes a long time to figure out 100 things you want to share about yourself.

Breakfast is my favorite meal.
Going to the AFC Championship game in Indy during January of 2007 was one of the most amazing experiences.
I have two cats and a ferret by marriage (see 21) - one cat named Mittens and one cat named Birdie.
I always wanted to dye my hair blue.
I am 7/8ths irish and 1/8th sicilian.
I am a big fan of the Indigo Girls.
I am a Pro Wii Bowler.
I am a singer.
I am addicted to Wikipedia.
I am Catholic.
I am in the process of becoming a Providence Associate.
I am NOT a fan of the New England Patriots.
I am obsessed with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer collectibles.
I am the youngest of nine children (all from the same two parents). I have four sisters and four brothers.
I did not want to grow up or start wearing bras or get my period - I wanted to stay a kid forever.
I enjoy doing brain-teasers.
I grew up in a log cabin in the forest.
I had Punky Brewster tennis shoes in fourth grade.
I had surgery for the first time in December 2007.
I hate dealing with insurance and cable companies.
I have a cat named Grace - she is addicted to feather toys.
I have a golden retriever named Starbuck.
I have a knack for remembering song lyrics.
I have a miniature Australian Shepherd named Gus.
I have always been a sandals girl. My toes need to be free.
I have an irrational fear that my car will get hit by a train, so I try to avoid any stops that are right at a train track.
I have been an Indianapolis Colts fan since I was a kid.
I have been friends with my best friend (outside of my DH) since we were five years old.
I have curly dark brown hair.
I have fifteen nieces and nephews and one more on the way.
I have found that the best friends in life cross age, gender and pretty much any boundary you can think of.
I have lost around 37 lbs in the past six months.
I have never needed glasses, but always wanted to wear them so I could accessorize.
I have PCOS.
I have spent hours contemplating what the island on Lost really is.
I heart coffee.
I heart McDonald's french fries.
I just bought my first real adult purse.
I like beer. A lot.
I like listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio.
I like to eat the partially popped popcorn kernels the best (so does my husband - so we fight for them).
I love clouds.
I love giving christmas presents.
I love mexican food.
I love playing with data. Give me a problem in the database and I will get sucked into researching it for hours.
I love seafood.
I love snow - as long as I don't have to drive in it.
I love the new Battlestar Galactica.
I love to cook.
I love to hike and camp.
I love to make mix cds - with themes and a special cover and the whole she-bang.
I majored in Mathematics and Music in college.
I met Chuck Berry when I was six.
I miss ChiChi's restuarants, especially their seafood nachos and seafood enchiladas.
I once accidentally squirted ketchup all over the president of my company.
I play a little guitar and even less piano.
I played Dorothy in The Wiz when I was in college.
I played Lucy in a musical version of Narnia when I was nine.
I sang in a rock band with my sister L for a few years.
I sing first or second alto in choirs, but according to my vocal coach I am a soprano.
I still remember the thrill of the Hoosiers winning the NCAA championship in 1987 when I was ten. My brothers and I ran outside to our basketball court and pretended to be Keith Smart. (Yes, most houses in small-town Indiana have a basketball court to play on.)
I thought long and hard about becoming a nun - then I got married.
I totally and utterly love my husband.
I used to wear tye-dye shirts all the time.
I visited Europe twice in college.
I volunteered for a year through Americorps after I graduated college. While volunteering, I lived in a convent.
I want to make a quilt in my life.
I want to visit all of the human inhabited continents in my life.
I was a cheerleader from second grade to my senior year of high school.
I was a dancer when I was a kid - I took Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Tumbling, Clogging,Pom lessons for 13 years.
I was born in Indianapolis.
I was born on my brother M's 15th birthday.
I was extremely afraid of the dark until I was about 15. Sometimes I still get wigged out.
I was married in September of 2005.
I was so addicted to the Dark Tower Series that I bought two Concordances just to learn more about them.
I watched the entire series of Star Trek the Next Generation within three months.
I went to a woman's college in Indiana.
I went to all three years of the Lilith Fair.
I went to the beatification of the foundress of my college in Rome.
I wish I could eat potatoes without guilt.
I work in software.
In fourth grade I started an underground newspaper in my classroom.
My brother D went to Iraq at the beginning of the war. My sister L leaves on January 3rd.
My brother T and I were in the same grade from first grade on and we walked together in graduation (it was amazing we didn’t trip each other).
My dad had ten siblings and my mother had six. Our family is freaking humongous.
My dad is a retired truck driver and my mother is a homemaker. They are AWESOME at being parents. I only hope I can do as well as they did.
My dance group used to perform at the half-time of the Pacer games - when I was around six years old
My favorite Chipmunk is Alvin.
My favorite color is blue.
My favorite flower is the Gladiola.
My favorite holiday is Easter.
My favorite pizza is garlic, liced tomatoes, mushrooms and extra cheese.
My favorite type of sandwich is the Rueben.
My husband and I are playing each other for my family's fantasy football championship game.
My husband and I grew up fans of arch rival college teams.
My mom's sister married my dad's brother. It is totally legal - just strange to explain.
My mother's middle name is Nona, the latin word for Nine. She subsequently had nine children.
Our house burned to the ground when I was in kindergarten. I have no baby pictures of myself.
The only bone I have ever broken was my arm when I was three. I fell off of a slide.
Zelda Twilight Princess was the funnest video game I ever played.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Beautiful Ovaries and murmuring hearts

Pre post notes:
Thanks for all the well wishes and birthday messages! My tens digit has officially changed! I was out of town all last week for work and we drove safely back from Chicago on my birthday through the wonderful snow on my birthday. I finally recovered from the trip (oh and partying:)) on Tuesday and now I am home for the rest of the year.

OK - back to post:

I always find it funny when my RE compliments my organs...during the HSG I had very nice fallopian tubes...and today after my surgery (while still groggy from the drugs) she said I had beautiful ovaries. It makes me giggle...:) of course - ugly ovaries that function properly might be a bit more practical - but I will take what I can get.

The painting above is 'A Waltz of the betrayer' by Annie Lin. Her comment on the painting is: "I tend to transform my images to a more metaphorical, anxious, aggressive, and restraint image. The composition and meaning, "masculinity" and "femininity”, inner and outer, subjective and objective, are all interwoven. The whole painting is in the process of wrapping and opening; which is similar to a psychological stage of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring."

Although this set of paintings is geared toward the normal process from sexual pleasure, to the machine that exists inside our body for reproduction, it really speaks to me about the journey my DH and I are on.

Her final painting in the series (you can see them at is a metaphoric womb showing the relationship between mother and child - hormonally and emotionally. I hope one day I can relate to that painting as well.

'A Waltz of the betrayer' - has a slightly different meaning to me than her personally intention. With PCOS, the definition feminine or masculine becomes blurred. I don't see a lot of people blogging about the hormonal side effects, but I know we all experience them to some effect.

The random hairs that appear on my chin (or sometimes that slightly detectable 'stash) always make me feel self-conscious (sometimes to the point of obsession - can we say tweezer-girl??). The inability to ovulate and have normal periods or establish the right womb environment to carry a child can really make me question my femininity. For the most part I can reason those insecure thoughts out of my head, but month after month, or morning after morning takes some perseverance.

Today was my laparoscopy. I was very nervous, because I have never been put under general anesthesia. Heck! I have never even had an IV before. Everything went well, although I do have an abnormal heart beat which was concerning to my anesthesiologist. I remember back when I was around 16 and my family doctor first diagnosed me with PCOS. At that same time they did a bunch of tests on my heart because the heartbeat was so slow and irregular. 14 years later and it is still slow and irregular (although slow now is 49 - 50 beats per minute, where it used to be 42-45 beats per minute). It has always had this extra fluctuation or murmur, that can sometimes confuse a machine (like treadmills or monitors). All was well then, so I supposed it is good now.

Everything went fine today and I am now set to rest with some nice vicodin for the next few days. Once I finally got into the operating room they put an oxygen mask on my face. The air was blowing in my eye and she told me I could close my eyes. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up, while still in the OR. Sounds silly, but that was all I was worried about (the waking up part)- so I have been fine since then.

I have a better understanding of the process and reasoning behind doing this surgery (thank goodness!). My ovaries were rather large (but lovely - haha!). The process was done to aspirate my cysts. This means that over then next three to six months my ovaries won't be spewing out all those male hormones, and my body will get a chance to act like a normal non-PCOS person.

The procedure was not nearly as invasive as others you see when googling ovarian drilling. They used sound to make small incisions into all of the cysts on both ovaries. This causes them to dissipate into my system. Over time they will eventually build back up. Until then, as long as I do ovulate (which this will help to initiate too) my reproductive system will function in the normal feminine manner. Since I have been ovulating on my own (no clomid or anything like that) for a few months now, I have a really good feeling about this procedure. I do think it is a positive step to get us closer to our ultimate goal.

I also had a D&C to clean out my uterine lining. I think that is probably a good thing. This is all like one big fresh start.

So for now - my ovaries are "in the process of wrapping and opening" and my heart is "in the state of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring."

P.S. I know that I am not citing my sources according to MLA or APA styles, and I am not sure what the legal ramifications of posting a picture from another site are, but it spoke to me too much not to risk it. Any suggestions on how to do these things in the future (good how-to links on siting sources and posting pictures in blogs) are greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Drilling it is....

AF came two days early this month. That is not a bad thing - maybe these cycles will actually shorten to 28 days.

So anyways, since she did come, I expect to go into surgery on December 20th. I am kind of nervous, because I have never had surgery of any kind before. I don't expect this to be that big of a deal, but I may turn into a super baby afterwards, you never know.

Speaking of AF, my husband's great Aunt, whom he is very close with, is named Florence. Every time I think of AF, I just have to giggle a bit.

I am headed off to Chicago for meetings and company outings the rest of the week and weekend. It should be fun and intersting. I have to make a quick trip to the American Girl doll store for my Mom to pick up some Christmas presents.

My birthday is on Sunday, so I will be looking forward to getting home to hang with my wonderful husband and parents (and whomever else shows up) to blow out the birthday candles. I turn the big 3-0. It is so crazy to think of thirty years. My best friend since kindergarten and I went to the Tori Amos concert to celebrate our big year.

Maybe when I turn 31 I will be a never know.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

No one said it would be easy

I had a thought on my way home this morning.

Most of the time, in my life, things have come easy to me. Things that other people might call really hard, like term papers and math tests - I can do those - no sweat. I can sing a song to thousands of people - no big deal.

All these things might be hard for a lot of people - and they do not really phase me that much. I don't mean that I don't have to work at stuff (especially the work stuff - time cures a lot of things), but I am just saying that it may not of been as hard for me as some people.

I guess what I mean is that I know in a lot of ways, I know I have led a very blessed life. Some things do come easier to me than they do to other people. Except for this one thing....

We have been trying for two years to have a child. I think I have tried harder to succeed at this than I did through my entire journey to a Mathematics degree. I have had to modify my entire lifestype (not with entire success) and still we are not getting the grade we hope for.

I am not used to that. I don't mean to say I am spoiled. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my hand, and my daddy is still a retired truck driver with nine children - but as far as having the ability to achieve or do something - I have never had to work this hard.

I kind of got an "A" a month ago or so...and then someone said I was cheating or something and I toatally failed. I am not used to failure. Every month that goes by without a pregnancy seems like a failure to me. And maybe I take it harder because I am not used to failure.

OK - I won't annoy you anymore with my 'Woe is my spoiled brat' whining - and I will continue to work as hard as I can - I just needed to vent.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Intoxicating, hot, complex and crazy - just like me!

Your Score: Juniper Berries

You scored 75% intoxication, 25% hotness, 75% complexity, and 75% craziness!

You are Juniper Berries! You're a drunk. No, really. Cool it with the hooch. Just kidding. You're really good at adding flavour to boring old life. You can be astringent at times, but once the harshness passes, you're quite relaxing. And you smell good, too.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Miracle Chair

I am thinking about heading off to Naples to have a seat in the miracle chair.


Actually, I find this post very interesting. I think I am starting a novena tonight. I know our family and friends have said many prayers for the expansion of our family. And, of course, we have prayed ourselves. Still, I like the idea of structured specific prayers that helps us focus on our goals and gives us hope and peace of mind through meditation.

Don't get the wrong idea though - I am not uber-catholic or anything. I have a lot of things I should work on (especially from a spiritual perspsective), and consistency is one of them (like you can tell with the Blog, eh?).

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What happened to November?

This month has flown by. The first half was the end of my time off cycle and this second half has been filled with inlaws and Thanksgiving. I did manage to make a Martha Stewart turkey and all of the fixings. It was stressful, but tasty.

I am mid-2WW.
I am hoping that I won't have to have the ovarian drilling next month. It wouldn't happen if this cycle was successful. We will see. I am feeling positive either way.

I am so happy for all the BFPs out there....go get 'em tigers! Other that - it is pretty calm around here...

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Magician

You Are The Magician

You are powerful and wise - beyond what anyone can see.
Deeply complex, you have the resources to connect to the spiritual and material world.
You posses the knowledge to manipulate your life and the lives around you.
You also have a great healing power, should you choose to use it.

Your fortune:

You have unhidden powers that you have yet to tap into.
Soon, you will better understand how to use your intellect and intuition.
Believe it or now, you will discover how you can manipulate yourself and others for good.
You are at the beginning of a path of spiritual enlightenment.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Spooky UTIs and Scary Ovarian Drilling

So last week I ended up with the dredded UTI. It wasn't a horrible one, but it did strike at an inopportune time. I started my anti-biotics on Friday, and should have started the progesterone suppositories on Sunday - three days post LH surge - but I didn't think it was appropriate. So we have decided to wait to try next cycle. DH has a bad cold too, so BD wasn't really in the cards either. I am ok with that.
1. The suppositories would have aggrivated my UTI.
2. It is usually recommended to wait after a miscarriage (even though my RE was ok with us trying right away since it was such a very short pg).
3. RE suggested that three full months on MET usually provides the best results.

That leads to my second topic. I had my RE appt today. The good news...I lost eight pounds again! I was glad to see that. I am averaging around 4 pounds a month. I am ok with this - because I feel like it will be easier to keep it off. Slow and steady wins the race.

She got on me for not doing taking the UDO supplements as best as I could. I really tried at first, but when I put it with my food it just made everything seem icky. And it is not something you want to down by itself. I swore that I would make it more of a priority - that I WILL do it. She suggested putting it in juice. So I tried that tonight with some grapefruit juice and it seemed much easier to down. I have to take a teaspoon twice a day.

I also started Vitamin D supplements, 2000 IU. She sort of chastised me about the Vitamin D too, because she said her handbook suggests taking it...but that handbook is 30 pages It has so much stuff in it that I am probably missing more than a few things. It is all GREAT stuff. But life changing is hard, and I am doing the best I can. I sort of felt like the bad student.

And I decided to switch to cinnamon supplements rather than just adding it to my coffee. I never knew cinnamon was so good for you, but evidently it is GREAT for people with insulin resistance! Check it out!

Don't get me wrong, she was not mean or nasty or anything, and she was positive to me about my weight and all that stuff. But, my hormone levels are still out of whack and these things she says will help to get them balanced. I wouldn't change doctors for the world. I just wish I could get it all down and get my hormones at the levels she thinks is necessary for a healthy and happy Beth and future baby.

So she suggested that the next step that she recommends before the end of the year is to have Laproscopic surgery on my ovaries.
We are still thinking about it. My inital reaction was that I didn't think it was the right time,but then I heard what she was saying, and I took the literature. I wanted to talk to the DH about it. She does not do intense drilling, but very small cuts into the ovary. Evidently it helps to reverse all excess male hormones and gets rid of some of the old eggs. In my case it could increase our pregnancy rate significantly within the first four months - AND with the hormonal balance, give the pg more stay-put-ability.

I have never had any type of surgery before. I would be recovered in a few days. And since we have already met the deductible, it will be less money to do it now.

So I am saying all these positive things, but we are still deciding. We are leaning towards doing it, but not 100 percent yet.

Some halloween/nfl cheer - as I watch the original movie and patiently wait for the big game this sunday: pumpkin
And here's a picture of the pups for good measure:
Animals 021

I am going to see Tori Amos on Friday evening. I am so excited. My best friend from Kindergarten and I are going in celebration of turning 30 this year. Today is her birthday - so Happy B-day C! We are going to have a fantabulous time! And since we are holding off on TTC this month - I can have all the gewurztaminer and hefeweizen I want - well at least a few glasses without feeling guilty...

I hope you had HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!

Friday, October 19, 2007

On to the next thing

Well I did start a new cycle last monday afternoon.
On Tuesday I was supposed to go in for another beta, but the dr's office did not send in the lab request, so I waited for the labs for nothing. Since I was having pretty bad cramps at the time I took the day off. I didn't see the point in getting another beta when it was pretty clear the little bugger didn't take. Still my doctor wants me to go back and get one more beta this week when I get my b/w done for the next visit. She wants to see that it is at zero.

My right ovary seems to have some sort of pain every day. Not excruciating pain, but little stabs. I don't know if this is normal. I am guessing that since my body is starting to function properly that I am experiencing the pains of normal reproductive organ processing and not some crazy problem where my ovaries start working and then they just keep on spewing out eggs. I know this is not possible, I just don't quite get these little stabs from my girl down there. I am looking forward to that beta just to calm the fears that creep in saying that either my period was not a period or something else is wrong that my dr needs to know about. I am a hypochondriac sometimes, so I know my fears are probably silly - I just need to know for sure.

I asked the nurse at my clinic if maybe I should use Progesterone in the last part of my cycle and she said she would check with the Doc and get back to me.

The doctor said that was fine (they called this Wednesday). She prescribed Progesterone suppositories. I guess they have to be specially made. I had to pay for them over the phone to the pharmacy that will make them and ship them to my pharmacy. It was strange to get a phone call from some random pharmacy, but they cost less than 5 bucks. I was so surprised about that. Something so inexpensive could help, so I am all for trying.

Does anyone have any opinions on the effectiveness of suppositories compared to injections? At this point, since we were lucky to get pregnant in the first place, I am ok with the suppositories because even if it isn't as effective because it is really just an extra something. Everything I read about the nightmares of shooting PIO into your bottom every evening kind of scares me. I am just looking to find out what I am getting myself into and what others think about the differences between the two methods - or oral progesterone if you have done that.

In other news, my insurance FINALLY processed the first few b/w charges. My insurance saga began all the way back in August. It took 5 faxes and approximately five thousand phone calls (not to mention contacting old insurance companies and actually getting them to send me faxes - yes I managed to pull off that impossible feat by persistance and annoyance).

I love contacting my insurance company. They are so helpful and competant. I am so surprised that people are so geared toward customer service these days! From cable to big insurance companies - I just can't believe how wonderful the these corporations are treating their customers. And if you believe any of the previous sentences in this paragraph, I am sorry - it was all a lie.

I am thinking we should crack open some champagne in celebration.

Random comment - This is the second weekend in a row where there is no Colts game on Sunday. It doesn't feel like a weekend when that happens during the season. We fill our time with other fun things (like the feast of the hunter's moon or hanging with the Providence Associates).

Friday, October 5, 2007

Going down, down, down

Beta #2

I don't really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like - oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don't know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn't started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed - but still occurred.

You know what though...I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs - that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can't deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn't very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses - a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it - or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past - and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn't post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn't more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him - sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying - we will keep on - but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me - but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me - and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me - but I can't make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don't think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Beta #1 - 21

There are a lot of questions going through my head right now.
I did not really expect this.
I am totally excited, since I have never seen a BFP AND we did not do any treatment other than diet, exercise and metformin. I am really just astonished, but leary because this is a very low number.
We will see what number 2 says tomorrow.
It could be that I just ovulated really late - since my cycle is so strange.

And I always thought it would take more than two people for us to get this accomplished...

God is good.
God will still be good if tomorrow's numbers are lower.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Autumn Splendor

This weekend we are going to a college football game. It is so wonderful out. The crisp feeling of the air. I turned off the air conditioner.

Autumn is just beginning in Indiana and all is well.

The baby shower last weekend was great. I miss my friend - she is sooo beautiful with her belly all round and high. She is always beautiful, but there is a special beauty to seeing her as a mother-to-be.

It reminds me of the Patience card in my Osho Zen Tarot deck:

This week was crazy busy at work, as it usually is coming off of a vacation. Although this time I really felt organized about it. Over the past year I have implemented this system that allows me to manage my inbox. I can't believe how much it reduces my stress. (Outlook users - I use an addon called 'ClearContext' - it is amazing.)

Still, with work being busy and working out after dinner, I had little energy left to blog. Also, it is that time of the month when I am waiting to ovuluate. Last month I totally felt the O pains happen.

So far it is day 15 and I have no rumblings in the under-carriage just yet. Since my cycle is not very, um, cyclical, right now I do not think I am on the normal 14 days for ovulation. I expect it to come around Sunday.

I started my new drug regime (upping my Met to 2000mg, adding prednisone, and continuing my synthroid). It takes a little time for my body to get used to the higher dosage of MET - but it is alright. I am used to needing a bathroom near at all times.

I also just bought a new book that my doctor recommends - 'The Insulin Resistance Diet'. I plan on modifying my low carb diet to reflect this type of diet that is high in fiber and protein and sticks to complex carbs (when carbs are eaten).

I plan on reading it on the way up to the football game.

I am looking forward to a great weekend!

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Baby Showers, etc

So I am heading out of town today to a good friend's baby shower.

I am excited for her, and I am really trying to keep positive about the trip.

I haven't been able to share a lot with her about our struggles with IF. In fact, I don't think I have told her at all. She lives a few states away and we seem to have both gotten sucked into our own lives. We email each other every few months or so. When she emailed saying she was pregnant it took me a few weeks to respond. I am sure many infertiles can understand, it is hard for me to hear of someone getting pregnant.

It always reminds me of our failures. We have had three pregnancies in my immediate family since we started TTC. There have been at least 5 kids concieved and born in my small company since we started TTC. Each time it is like a little stab...

Today though, I am glad that I have not told her. I want to celebrate her journey into motherhood and I never ever want her to feel like she should feel bad for me because of her own success. I am happy for her and I can't wait to meet her little one when it comes. She will be such an amazing mother - I just know it. She is strong, empathetic, intelligent, and amazing.

And when I do get to join her as a mother, I know she will be just as happy for me. Maybe then I will bring our own journey to light - and how it has changed and is still changing my life.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Do you do UDO?????

I had my RE visit yesterday.

I lost eight pounds since my last visit. YAY! Also my blood pressure was somewhere around 130/72. I was really enthused by that because high blood pressure was something that really wigged me out enough to take this whole loosing weight and working out seriously. Before I first started I took my BP and it was 155/95. It freaked me out - I mean I am not even 30 yet and I was dangerously close to heart attack levels. After about three months of working out I have successfully got my Blood Pressure under control. woo hoo!

I supposed to start taking UDOS 369 Supplements. Anyone ever been told to take it? It is an oil that you have to mix in a shake or pour over your food. I put it on my peas and carrots yesterday and I could barely taste it - actually it sort of made it taste better. My RE swears by it - she said she got practically all her nurses in the hospital to take it and they all swear by it now too.

It is supposed to:
Increase energy, performance, and stamina.
Strengthen the immune system.
Lower most risk factors for cardiovascular disease.
Improve brain function: mood, intelligence , behavior, and vision.
Aid in weight reduction.
Regulate organs and glands.
Speed recovery and healing.
Support healthy child development.
Improve digestion.
Decrease infection.
Keep bones strong.
Protect genetic material.
Ease PMS.
Produce beautiful skin, hair, and nails.

My insulin levels are really high. She said my GTT showed that my body is spilling out insulin to try and battle sugar - but the sugar still is not being processed completely. Typical Insuin Resistance - I suppose. I am to up my Metformin Dosage to 2000 mg - which is standard issue for PCOS. This should help with insulin resistance and getting my ovaries back into the right hormonal balance.

Also, my DHEA-S is sky high. This causes high free testosterone levels. I have been prescribed a low dose of prednisone. The prednisone should be able to suppress those androgens without suppressing cortisol et al.

She is very positive about my status. We have to get all of these things under control and at the correct levels before we can think about ovulation stimulation drugs. If we can get these corrected - it may not be necessary. After three months (around November) if these things are leveled out properly and I am still not prego - then we look at the next steps (probably letrezole and gonatropids, and/or IUI).

Oh and the hubby's swimmers are mobile and plentiful. Also - my eggs are healthy and plentiful. All good news.

I am thinking this is all really good. Patience is important. I want to continue to live a more healthy life. I want to be in as good of a condition as I can when I get pregnant. It will only make the pregnancy less stressful and the baby more healthy.

Today is a big day - NFL season opener in Indy. I am going to see Kelly Clarkson and Faith Hill - oh and Peyton Manning and Bob Sanders too. :) Party time!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Cycle Day 1

Well AF finally came today. That makes this cycle 31 days. I go to the RE this week. Maybe she will help me figure out these wacky cycle lengths. I never know what stage I am at. I can say I had serious female part issues this cyle - I wonder what was going on. Can there be remnants from the HSG? Maybe I just completely missed the O because the cycle is off.

I keep listening to this song during my workout....It really makes me appreciate my life, my husband, all of the love and blessings that have been bestowed upon me my whole life. I am hopeful. And whatever happens - I am blessed.

Best of Whats Around
Dave Matthews Band

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you're feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you're around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you're missing all the rest

Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind's eye is

Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she's safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We'll make the best of what's around

after post note - I just realized this is the second month in a row that CD1 falls on the first day of the month, maybe my ovaries prefer the gregorian calendar....

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Sucker for a song

I saw this on a fellow infertile's Blog a few weeks ago (I didn't keep track of who it was- I am sorry!). Since then the song has been in my head and has really had an effect on me. It is so wonderful to become part of this whole community - to see that there are people out there experiencing the same feelings and struggles as we are.

Sometimes it can be really lonely - feeling like you are the only person on the planet that has this type of problem. I sent this to my Mom because I wanted her to get a better understanding of how it feels. She is very supportive, but she had nine children - so I always feel like she can never understand. I forget though - that she also had six miscarriages and she always had to deal with people asking her when she was going to STOP having children. For me it is when are you going to START. I guess there is some similarities. She is a good mom - so I try not to push to much.

I would die for that
Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep

A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret

But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die For that

And I've been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete
With every test and checkup
Told not to give up
He wonders if it's him
And i wonder if it's me
But all I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I'd give up
I would die For that

Sometimes it's hard to conceive
When all that I've got
And all I've acheived
What I want most of all
Before my time is gone
Is to hear the words
I love you, Mom.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Beantown and Little Bean?

I had to go to Boston for work last week. It was a great visit. I was able to enjoy Lobster Newburg at the Union Oyster House. I know that isn't really a low carb dish - but when someone else is footing the bill - what can you do?

I don't know if I am pg yet. I don't think so - I did an EPT on Sunday that came back negative. I am still being positive though, because my under carriage has been rumbling for the past two weeks - with these faint cramps like I am getting ready for AF. Maybe it is AF, I can never be sure. My cycle is so erradic - past three cycle lengths were 29, 34, and 35 - so I have no idea what to expect this time.

I am not expecting a positive outcome this cycle - just thinking of how cool (not to mention thrifty) it would be, but the real goodies will start next week. That is when I will go for my second visit with my RE. I am anxious to find out what her suggestions for next steps will be and her review of all of my tests (plus the hubby's).

Oh - and did I mention I am on vacation ALL WEEK next week?
Yay for me! A whole week away from work that will not be spent in a family members extra bedroom.

Halelujiah! Somebody give me an AMEN!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Ovulation, Ready, Set, Hike!

I think I might have actually ovulated all on my own this cycle.
I had some sharp pains on my right side on Thursday night. And, then I had some other weird pains for the next few days.

It is strange though because my last few cycles were much longer than this - Thurs would be around day 16. I haven't felt those types of pains for a while.
I did the whole OPK thing and I got positive results - but the results didn't come for at least 5 minutes - I guess that is normal.

It would be amazing if we actually got pregnant without stims, etc. I have heard that many people who have PCOS can increase their pregnancy chances by loosing weight and I have lost a little over 20 pounds at this point. Also I had that HSG - so I guess my chances are increased in that respect too - the little swimmers have a clearer path.

I am kind of slowing down on the weight loss now - but that is ok with me because I would rather lose it slowly and healthily than in a way that is just going to come back if I change my diet.

Don't get me wrong - I realize this carb watching diet is going to have to continue the rest of my life if I want to be healthy and not get Type II Diabetes - but I don't want to have to obsess about it either. Also, we have continued our regular workout schedule and it is awesome. It gave me an excuse to get an iPod - and I feel so much better - I can't believe I spent all that time feeling like such ass.

The OPK thing reminds me of an incident I had earlier this year. I took what I thought was a pregnancy test and it had a slight pink line. I was really amazed because - as you know - I have never gotten a postive before. At that time my hubby and I were wondering if it could really be true. It was the night after the Colts beat the Ravens in the Playoffs - and I pondered the possibility of a baby AND a Super Bowl in the same year. We both decided we would prefer the baby.

Afterwards I realized it was an OPK and that I was NOT pregnant and that I hadn't even ovulated (I guess the line on the OPK has to be really dark when you are ovulating to detect the LH surge - this was just very faint). We got the Super Bowl though - so it wasn't all bad.

I am keeping my hopes up that my ovaries can make the big come back like Peyton in the AFC Championship. Or maybe they are more like my boy, Bob Sanders - the playmaker in all the big games that has to miss most of the season.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

La Insulin Résistance!

I was at lunch today with a friend trying to explain insulin resistance. The only thing I kept thinking about was little cells fighting for a here you go - my version of La Insulin Résistance - the protesting fat and liver cells.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Insurance Hell - Already???

I think I mentioned in a previous post that we have new insurance. I was really excited about it because we opted for the one with the slightly larger deductable that covers infertility up to 90percent. I am not sure what that means, but if I know insurance companies - they will do anything they can to get out of paying for something.

So anyways - switching insurance companies is nothing new to me. This is our 4th insurance in the last two years. And I know all about how they will hold off on paying something just because they say you have to give them this paperwork that shows you had insurance before, even though you sent said paperwork three months ago. So in order to prevent any delays in paying for my treatment and getting things in gear I decided to make a pre-emptive strike - old Georgie ain't the only one that can take down tyrants.

Being the kick ass professional woman that I am, I typed up a nice, informative fax. I included our current member number, and listed out each of our insurance companies - with member ids, group ids, company information and contact information. I also included a certificate of coverage for the majority of the companies. I called my new insurance company and talked to some guy (in Manila) who gave me a fax number to send my beautifully informative six page with cover letter fax to.

I sent the fax on July 27th - prior to my insurance company even getting any bills for us. I hadn't heard anything and I had been checking the website to see if anything posted there - claims and such. Finally last week I decided to call and make sure all was well. Of course on they said they had not received the fax. They told me to fax it again.

I asked how he would know that it was received if I sent it again - since no one got it in the first place. He said I could call back that night. At that point you know he is just trying to get me off the phone. I said to him - 'but I am sure you aren't in the same building as that fax machine - I am sure you won't be able to know that one fax was received out of all of the faxes your big corporation gets every day.' He said - 'Oh Yes! Just call back tonight.' I think I hung up on the poor guy, but it was just so silly that he thought I would believe that.

So I send the fax again. That evening, after once again being made to feel like I could not speak properly by the automated answering system that could not understand when I said the word 'member' (think of me screaming 'MMEEEEMMMBBBER' into the phone on the eighth try - I swear they are going to have to pay for blood pressure medicine pretty soon if they don't shape up)I finally talk to a person. She tells me that they will take up to three days to process any faxes. Of course they do. Who would have thought they could have a quicker turn around time than 72 hours. I mean even that is sort of pushing it for an insurance company - they move about as fast as the government.

So I call back today, I spoke to a very nice woman. She said they didn't get my fax. She also said that since I had already sent it twice - that I needed to speak to a supervisor - woohoo! someone actually cared! So I talked to this man who I could tell was actually in the US and he was great.

I wanted to say amazing - but then I thought - 'Can you really say that an insurance company's employee is amazing?' Let's leave amazing to Providence and such.

Anyways, he told me that they gave me the wrong fax. Evidently now I AM delayed because they are waiting on pre-existing insurance information.

You can't win - I tell ya - not when it comes to ninja insurance companies that can stealthfully escape any attempt at paying for medical care.
And I haven't even gone for my post work up yet. Wait until they actually get something that the diagnosis is Inferility - since now it is all under the PCOS umbrella - they will be even worse then - I am sure!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Hi there, nice to meet you, now listen to my life story...

I have been reading infertility blogs for some time now. I decided I am going to give it a shot. Writing is not my talent, but I feel so drawn to share my experiences too.

My PCOS journey....
Diagnosed in high school - but didn't really do anything about it.
Married 2 years ago - trying to concieve since marriage - no dice.
Started Metformin within last year.
Was going to GP - whom I really like. Changed insurance companies. Went to seminar at fertility clinic - decided to be more agressive in our reproductive therapy.

I started seeing a new RE in July. I have completed the full workup and am scheduled to go back for the post workup visit September 5th.

IF has been very tough on my husband and I - no surprise there. We have seen three family pregnancies and what seems like dozens of friends become parents since we started TTC. Luckily our relationship is very strong. We have enjoyed this kidless time immensly and our bond has only become stronger.

My REs workup:
1. Ultrasound - showed 'string of pearls' cysts
2. Three hour GTT and a bunch of other bloodwork - later asked to re-test DHEA-S and 17 OH-Progesterone levels due to being high on first check.
3. Cycle Day Three bloodwork - not sure what it was checking.
4. HSG - This SUCKED. My RE couldn't keep the speculum in - and she had to insert the Catheter 4 times. My stomach muscles clenched so hard they hurt for two days. Good thing though - I got the all clear sign on they tubes - so if there is ever actually an egg produced - there is a clear path for it to follow to my lovely uterus.
5. Semen analysis - I told husband that his test was WAY better than mine.

When go back in early September I am hoping that the next steps will be to take some ovulation stimulators (NOT CLOMID). I guess I have a higher percentage for pregnancy for the next three months because of the HSG flush.

So we finally got our first bills. I never understand how a blood test can cost so much money. I am curious what the insurance company is going to say. I know I have a deductable - but then they should pay the covered cost after that. We figured we might as well get started because the cost is going to be there -regardless.

Also, I have totally re-vamped my lifestyle recently. I try to keep to a low carb diet (but I occasionally take a 'carb day'). I also began working out on a regular basis including cardio and weight training. I feel great - and I am very hopeful that all of this will benefit my life and my fertility status. I quit smoking in March. I have lost 21 pounds so far. I feel better than I have for the past 5 years.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will be plus baby within the next year - but not getting too set on it. I know it is a journey....