Saturday, July 26, 2008

peace for a few weeks..and the great doggie lockdown

The doctors appt went well. My husband went with me.
I gained three pounds, that makes five total. The doctor was very happy with that number so far.
My blood pressure was good.
He found a good strong heartbeat (156 - 158) very easily with the doppler.

I will sleep a little more peaceful for at least a few more weeks.
Our next appointment and the big ultrasound is August 22nd.

This morning I went to take the dogs to get groomed. I realized I needed to move the car behind my car. I put the dogs in the car and ran into the house to ask my sister to move the car. When I went back out to the car the dogs had jumped to the front passenger seat where I had put the keys. One of them inadvertantly stepped on the remote lock clicker on the seat.
Ugh. What a way to start the morning!
I searched around for the extra keys, but unfortunately we could not find them (my husband never put his copy on his keychain).

We called a locksmith ASAP. It was 9:15am. They said it would be 20 to 30 minutes. After 15 minutes they had text messaged me saying there was a locksmith assigned. I waited patiently until after 10am. When they did not show up, I called the company again. They said the locksmith was on his way and would be calling me shortly. I waited 10 minutes, then called again. This time they actually got the locksmith to call me. He was over 45 minutes away (he seemed to think it would only take 25 minutes from an area I know is much farther) and he did not have the correct address. Nor did he seem to be able to take directions, he just wanted the address to put into a GPS. Our address is in a newer subdivision and cannot be found on GPS systems usually.
I was getting very, very frustrated at this time. I called to talk to the manager of the company because I wanted to know why it was taking over an hour and 15 minutes to get to our house and why they waited 45 minutes before even calling a locksmith.
I was so worried about the dogs. We thought we would have to break a window if they weren't there very soon. The car was in the garage, so it wasn't in direct sun, but it was getting pretty hot.
As I proceeded to call the manager back one more time I heard my husband yell from the garage.
We had been trying to get the dogs to step on the clicker again. They finally did, and luckily he was right there to open the door.
Needless to say, we made two duplicate keys today.

I can't believe July is almost over!
Happy second half of the summer everyone!
Thanks for all your well wishes.

Monday, July 21, 2008

lack there of

I know they say the second trimester is the the honeymoon time of pregnancy. I know that it isn't a big deal to loose some symptoms.
That is what they say....
I know that symptoms or the lack there of is normal for 16 weeks.
But I still worry.
My lower belly has expanded a little bit, but not too much. I have a lot of belly there already, so it isn't noticeable.

I still get up a few times a night to pee and sleeping on my stomach is not really an option - because I feel the little bubble there - but I don't really feel like much is going on.
I have no bleeding. I have no cramping.

I worry...worry...worry.
I have a dr appt on friday. I wish it was friday.
No help from the doppler yet...of course it isn't a good one that should work....

If I lay a certain way on my back I can feel the tightness in a certain spot...ugh this waiting is hard. I don't mean to complain, I just always fear the worst.
I worry about making it to term. I worry about having a healthy baby if we do make it to term.

I just needed to let it out.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Wordle - thanks Farah!

Friday, July 11, 2008


I am a singer.
I don't do it publicly these days as much as I have in the past. Still, I cannot deny an essential part of my being.

My parents tell me that when I was three they could use the record player as a babysitter if they wanted to. I would listen to my Annie LP over and over again.

When I was five I started voice lessons. I was carted to various talent shows and performed in front of hundreds and sometimes thousands of people. If there was a festival, a school music program, a county fair - I was there in my latest dress siging 'Tommorow', 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', some Cabbage Patch song, or the latest song appropriate for a child

As I got older, I still performed in competitions. I also sang on an album recorded in Nashville, Tennessee.
I know there was a path I could have taken. My life would have been extremely different. I applied to Belmont University thinking about majoring in Music Business.

I ended up not doing that. I choose to study math at a small private college closer to home. I specifically didn't choose music becuase I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was for myself and not becuase it was what I had always done.

By my sophomore year in college I added a double major in Music. The whole experience with music in college was broadening and wonderful. I felt like I grew as a musician ten fold.

Once I graduated - I didn't see much opportunity to use music and make a living. I spend my days in an office - using the problem solving and critical thinking skills that I developed during all those math and liberal arts courses. I love my job, but I do miss music.

I know there are ways to supplement my needs. I was in a rock band for a few years with my sister. That was awesome, but time consuming. Once I got married I couldn't see playing gigs at bars every weekend.

I know I need to sing at church. I love singing at church. It is a time when I feel like 'this is what I am supposed to be doing - what I was made for' feeling. The catholic liturgy is beautiful, and when I am at church and not involved with the music I feel sort of like I am undercover. I am supposed to be leading the others from the choir loft or the cantor stand...not from the back pew.

I will be taking action on the church issues. I know that. We have been sort of wandering in search of our own parish for a while. We thought we found one, and my husband went through RCIA there, but now the priest we got to know has been moved to another parish and he mentioned to us that a different parish is building a brand new church five minutes from our house. The parish we have been attending is over thirty minutes from our house - which is fine, but closer is more convenient (especially with gas prices so high) and seems like we would be more apt to take part in more activities (such as the choir).

So what is the point with all this and how does it relate to our current state of infertility/fertility/pregnancy?

I can't wait to sing with my child. To sing my child to sleep. To hold the baby close and find out the songs it likes the most.

I wonder at what point in this pregnancy will the baby start to recognize when I am signing in the car. I hope it is soothing to the baby.

I know I said a lot for a very small point. I just felt like expressing - so please excuse the long-winded post.
Have a great day.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Brandi Carlile

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

Out is Through

"Out Is Through"

Alanis Morrissette

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time that I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stale mate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately

Thursday, July 3, 2008

the longest twenty minutes

I had my second OB check up today. I went to a different office than last time because I wanted to come this week and tomorrow is a holiday and he is always at the other office on Thursdays.

I think I would have felt a little more comfortable if I knew the nurses (not that I know the ones at his office too well yet...oh how I miss my wonderful nurses at the RE - they knew me by name and we discussed recipes while doing ultrasounds.

I gained only two lbs. My blood pressure is good.
These are good signs.

Then he brought out the doppler. This is what I have been waiting for.
He tried to find a heartbeat. It was not happening. I started getting nervous. Clumsy me...I pulled up my pants with the gel still all over my belly. I was a little embarassed, but mostly frightened more than I could imagine.

He told me that he could tell it was definitely larger, but that he couldn't find the heartbeat. He said not to worry (as if), it is sometimes hard to hear until week 16 or 18.

He scooted me off to the ultrasound room where a nurse got the machine ready and handed me the traditional piece of sheet. All of this was old hat to me, but of course, she had no idea.

I then removed my bottoms and waited. In my attempt to remain calm I whispered 'Hail Mary's' and tried to telepathically will the door open and the doctor to come in. It was my worst nightmare becoming a reality. I watched as the minutes and seconds moved on the empty ultrasound camara peering at me like a black hole in the sky.
I at once loved and hated the Anne Geddes Baby on the wall, hiding from everyone through a veil of hydrangeas and other purple flowers - like my dear subset - hiding its heart from me.

I shed a few tears, and cursed the fact that the only makeup I decided to wear this morning was mascara. I longed for DH to be there, and felt doom settle in on how I would get back home if my worst fears came to a fruition.

After the longest twenty minutes I have spent it a good deal of time, my doctor came in. He started to do the transvaginal, but decided to go on the belly.

Low and behold, the little bugger was squiggling around in there, almost swimming. He still didn't get a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating, and the size and shape of all looked good.

Here is what we saw (at least from one angle):

It looks sort of like a little alien, doesn't it? I mean it is the cutest alien I hav ever seen, but nonetheless slightly alien. He said most of the bones are still cartilage right now, and that the bone marrow should be filling soon. That is why it looks so fuzzy.

I know this post sounds like a drama queen. I am sure I come off like a big baby myself, but I really feel like I needed to record this event. It is like being on a teeter totter some days.

Perhaps I should by that poster to remind me who is hiding behind it. Perhaps the baby didn't want me to just hear a heartbeat, it wanted to come out from hiding and show itself and that was the only way.

Thanks all, for being so supportive.

Note - Just started posting the pictures through picassa. I do not know if you can select them or not. I hope I am not showing every picture on my computer too.

Note to self - Verify that you are not making your entire picture library public.