Monday, May 26, 2008

Campfires and Beans

My u/s on Friday was great. Heartbeat measured around 150 bpm. My RE seems to think everything looks pretty good. The coolest thing was that in the picture this time you can actually see a little bean. It is so cute. It makes it that much more real, you know?
This weekend we went camping at a State Park near the town where I grew up. Actually, our house burned down when I was five and we lived in the Inn at the park for a few months waiting for a rental while our new house was being built. I have never camped there before, and to be honest I haven't even gone through all of the trails.
I spent my childhood and adolescent years going to the playground, the pools and the falls there, but I rarely went on the deep trails.
We went on a walk that took us probably 3.5 to 4 miles down canyons and up the creek (which was higher than usual with all of the rain in these parts lately).
Our dogs loved it. Well, at least our Golden Retriever, Starbuck, did. He gets in water any chance he can. Gus, the miniature Aussie, was trepidatious at first, but eventually got over the fear of the water.
We had a nice night at the camp and headed to my brother's house for a race day party. We are in Indiana, so Memorial Day is almost better known for being 'Race Day' weekend rather than Memorial Day weekend. And, every year since several years before I was born my family has had a big party on the property where I grew up. My brother owns the house that was built after the fire (a log cabin in the middle of the forest) and the patio that is down there was built by my grandfather, father and uncles on the weekends they used the property for camping. That was before they decided to all move down and live there for good.
My hubbie won 40 bucks in the pool for the race. Go Scott Dixon!
I grew up in this rural setting. I miss the quiet. I miss the solitude. And I miss the inability to see neighbors until you go out of your house and walk down the road. When I was growing up I always wished I had friends next door, but now I would move to that environment in a heartbeat. (If only we could find it within driving distance of our work - oh and with high speed internet access).

Anyways, by Sunday night I was toast. I slept in the tent with the dogs while everyone else sat around the fire.
This morning I got up earlier than everyone and drove down to that same Inn that I lived in when I was five. I had the buffet breakfast and watched the birds through the window. It was lovely.

It was a good weekend.

I have my last appt with my RE on Thursday. I will be meeting with the Nurse of my OB on Friday. I hope things continue to go well.

Friday, May 16, 2008

We got the beat!

Today was great.
I had my u/s with wonderful nurse 1. The RE was not at the office today. At first she didn't see a heartbeat, but she saw definite growth patterns and a fetal pole. The fetal pole measured six weeks 1 day, and the sac size was fine.

She was showing me what she was looking at, how there was development and areas she could see progressing, when all of the sudden she found the heartbeat. It was about 90 bpm, which she said was fine for the size of the fetus.
When I was paying my co-pay she gave me another picture (I now have three on my refridgerator, it is nice to put them up there with all my nieces and nephews).

She made it a point to show me the difference between last week and this week. I know it is just a little dime sized blob, but ten days ago it wasn't even visable, and seven days ago it was like the size of a pea. So it was pretty impressive.

After my appt she asked me who I was going to use as an OB.
I was kind of taken back by the question, but I did give an answer. She (wonderful nurse) seemed pretty excited. I told her I was still was not ready to be overly excited. She said she would be excited for me.
As I was walking out, her excitement kind of got to me. I mean, if she is less cautious, maybe I can be too.

Wow! I am really pregnant. And the chance of miscarriage have been greatly reduced by finding that little rhythm section.
I know we aren't totally in the clear, but I do feel like letting out a big sigh of relief.

I haven't seen my RE this week at all. The last time I saw her was last friday during the great gestational sac seek and find. I wonder how she feels about the suggestions she made about giving me the methoxetrate. I hope she doesn't take it personally, because I know her heart was in the right place. I also know that the woman is very wise and she has helped me so much since I started seeing her. I wouldn't be pregnant if it weren't for her. I love her holistic approach, and the way she goes through stages of treatment to make sure we do it in the simplest means necessary.

I will see her next Friday, and I think I have another ultrasound. I am not sure how much longer they will monitor me or when I will have to go to my OB.
Thanks everyone, for your well wishes and prayers.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

5118?? 37

I think the nurse said 5118 for the beta. She called when I was not at my desk so I couldn't write it down. Not doubling but a good rising.
37 was the progesterone. Not bad.

A few weeks ago when the beta went down my RE told me to stop my Progesterone Suppositories. I did. I have not taken them for two weeks. I was sort of worried once I thought about that. I think low progesterone is a part of most miscarriages - well and I guess the reason PCOS people have a lot of miscarriages.

I feel a bit better knowing it is still in a normal range. I contemplated calling my doctor twice this week asking if I should start taking the suppositories (I am really not all that jazzed about that - I have to go to the bathroom enough during the evening- let alone like i did when i had the suppository.

Anyway - not much else in news.
I am just trying to focus on getting through the next hurdles. I know viability is still a concern for months and months to come....

Ultrasound tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


I had my u/s this morning with WN1. She said it was definitely more defined. She thought she could see some changes within the sac and a possible start to a heart.
She did not see a definte heartbeat.

I am waiting to hear from her on what the DR says to do. I am guessing she will say to do betas on Wed and Friday and schedule another u/s for Friday. (My poor little arm veins!)

We have to keep watching until they can determine viability.

She is concerned because it is definitely smaller than a 6week sac (although the u/s machine marked it at 6weeks0days - which is what I would be today - I guess the u/s machines have a wide margin of sizes for the first 4 - 6 weeks) and with the odd numbers at the beginning it is hard to tell.

She suggested the possibility that I ovulated later on my own after the trigger and that this is actually a week behind what we would expect post trigger. It is possible. We definitely had s*x that next weekend, although not for the express purposes of procreation.

It is so hard to wander through this time of unknown. It is hard not to start getting excited and thinking of a future and where we will be in early January. Yet, I feel like if I don't wait, don't remain cautious, I will end up being crushed. I know I am strong enough to handle loss. I just wish I could be really excited....

I think of all those fertiles in the world that can just take a home test and proclain their status to the world. It seems so simple.

Of course, just recently in my family we learned the hardships of being overly optimistic with fertility. I don't want to go into details, but I think what they experienced would be harder than our potential loss. At least it is not completely out of the blue for me. It is never easy, in any case.

Monday, May 12, 2008

So that is what everyone has been complaining about

I have to confess. The only time in my life before this pregnancy that I have felt soreness in my breasts was the first chemical pregnancy that I did, or if I over-did it on chest press exercises.
I don't know why. Maybe it is because I have gynormous breasts, perhaps they just disapate the pains. Maybe it is because of the PCOS and my irregular periods.
I never got it when people complained of sore breasts.

Now I can't run down the stairs without my breasts letting me know that they are there, and that they do not appreciate my disregard for their presence.

I just wonder why I am not one of those people who gets it every month. on to contemplate who will win the Super Bowl next year.

Double your pleasure...

I think that was the number for this number. I know it was greater than 2700. Seems good to me.
The phone call to my RE was wierd.
Last friday when I went for a visit everything was moved around in the waiting area, and there was even this cute little coffee table in the u/s room.
I guess they closed an office on the southside of town and moved all the people and some of the furniture to the one I visit.
There were new people there, although I didn't have to really work with them then.
Today, though, when I called to find out my numbers, I got some different nurse on the phone. I have never talked to her before. She was nice, but obviously didn't know my case. She said she read that my doctor had recommended the shot last week. I was sort of put off guard by that one, but explained to her that she did on Tuesday, but that was cancelled after my u/s on friday. That they had found a gestatioal sac and they are monitoring my betas and I have an u/s for tomorrow morning. She said -'Oh! Ok, well your number rose well! 2718 (or something like that - I cannot remember it because I was flustered from her original statements - I know it was more than 2X1313)'

She then proceeded to tell me that I should just plan on coming in for my u/s tomorrow.

Gee, thanks for the recommendation, Ms. Nurse-who-has-no-clue-what-I-have-gone-through!

You know, she really wasn't that bad. I am just kind of spoiled. The entire time I have gone to my RE I have dealt with two wonderful nurses. Lets say, Wonderful Nurse #1 (WN1) and Wonderful Nurse #2 (WN2). I think they rotate between the north and west offices. I also think I was one of the first u/s that WN2 ever did - last July when they were checking for my big bulky Poly Cystic Ovaries.

For the past two u/s WN1 has been there. During the first great sac search last Tuesday she was so sweet. She looked and looked and then DR came in and they both looked. She told me that she had never seen a sac in a beta less than 1000. Then DR told me that she had seen sacs at beta less than 50 (I really doubted this - but she was so focused on making sure I didn't loose a tube).

WN1 did my second u/s last friday. She seemed really worried that I didn't trust her judgement because of what the DR said about the sacs. I told her that everything that I read said exactly what she said - and that I was completely comfortable with her. So comfortable that we began discussing recipes during the U/S!!! lol

So, needless to say, I do not want some random nurses jumping in on my bidness. I like my WN1 and WN2. They suit me just fine. They remember what has been going on, and they don't mistakenly tell me that my Dr wants me to take baby zapping medication when not necessary.

Friday, May 9, 2008


No signs of ectopic in u/s today.
Beta 1313
Sac found in correct location of the uterus.
Another round of beta's and u/s scheduled for next week.
Oh, and RE says it is definitely not a pseudosac. And, she said she was happily eating her advice from Tuesday.

Thank you all for being so supportive. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I awoke crying this morning. I am not crying for myself. I know eventually things will work out. I just feel so sorry for the little one. It really tried. It did the best it could. And now, if we can't see it by Friday it will not live anymore.

What could this child have grown to become? Perhaps a nobel prize winning physist - solving the worlds energy problems (my husband has been planning to start our children on math before they talk). Perhaps a great novelist or musican. Or most importantly, a kind and loving individual who wishes to help their fellow human beings.

I just feel so sad for it. I wish I could pick it up and move it to the right place. Give it a little push and make it all better. And I know it is not possible. I know the reality is that even if I didn't take a shot, the little one would not live. It would never survive in the wrong place. And it would take me with it. I just wish I could see it for a second, tell it that it was wanted, that it was loved.

My beta today was 857. That is more than doubled from Monday.
If it is up to 1500+ and we do not see it in my uterus on Friday then I will proceed with the shot.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


i just got back from my u/s.
Couldn't find the sac.
Based on my numbers my RE thinks it is ectopic. I pretty much agree. I have asked if it is ok to do beta draws on wed and friday and another u/s on friday just in case. If I continue to double I should be at 1500 by then. They should be able to see a sac.
If they don't, then I will proceed with Methotrexate.

This sucks.

I don't want to be one of those desperate people who won't listen to their dr and then wind up loosing a tube. But I also don't want to make a decision that is hasty and loose a child that could have happened.

I think up scenarios of how the numbers could have risen and fallen....perhaps there were two at two different times...perhaps the first one didn't make it...and the second is now rising properly but later.

Is it possible to ovulate a different follicle days later? I wish I knew more. Why didn't I study biology and human anatomy instead of mathematics and music? Damn. I guess I should just teach this thing to double consistently.

Monday, May 5, 2008

What the Frak? - Updated

25DPO 05May 378

So it is doubling. Low, but doubling.
CBC is good. Liver function is good.

Not sure what to think.

Thank you for all of your support!

I have a u/s tomorrow, and I am sure I will have to continue betas every two days for a while until the number rises and the outcome looks good or the number goes to zero.
They are not sure if the u/s will tell much at this time. If it is ectopic it will be hard to see anything. Heck I don't know if they will see anything at all....

Friday, May 2, 2008

I see a bad beta rising, again.

I went in for another beta today, expeciting it to fall.
It was 119.
Now the doctor really doesn't know what to expect.
I am to be on ectopic alert. I don't see how it could explode at this point if it is ectopic - it is too small???

I have to get another beta on Monday and go in for an U/S on Tuesday. They don't know what to expect.

It is still really really low, so most likely it is not viable or it is ectopic. But it is odd that it would decrease and then increase again.
It is wierd.
Also, my bbs started hurting today. Strange days....
Here is what it has done so far:

15DPO 25APR 41
18DP0 28APR 59
20DP0 30APR 51
22DPO 02MAY 119

I have a cold that started on 18DPO. I am no fertility expert. I have no idea what is going on.
Have a good weekend everyone.