Saturday, February 28, 2009

To create ourselves anew

I am amazed at how much she has grown. She is cooing. Not laughing yet, but she is close and it is so cute...

Our first week back to work went well. One night I even had DH pick her up and I hung out with a few friends for a little bit. I decided I won't do that too often, because once I left I just wanted to be home, and the drive home took too long. :)

Today has been wonderful. We woke up with the Zerker, then we have just been hanging out all day. No rush, no stress, just wonders. I hope we win the powerball so we can do this every day for the rest our lives. LOL!

Oh and she is rising from the ashes too...
(As you can see she wasn't really in the mood for pictures when we got back from church on Ash Wednesday...)

My blog is moving! I mentioned that I will be moving to a new blog once the Zerker is here. I think it is time. I will be working on the layout and officially transitioning very soon...Keep an eye out if you want to follow along. :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I went back to work yesterday. I have a LOOONG post half way written. I will have it up before long.
In the meantime, this is hilarious....
funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

Sunday, February 22, 2009

hi ho hi ho

I went back to work on Monday.
The Zerker is being cared for three days a week by a friend (T).
I will work from home the other two days. I am sure that will take some figuring out, but I do feel blessed to be able to do it, for a while at least.

During her first week I went to visit a day care and see if we were interested in taking her there. We decided home care was best, plus T is a super mommy and I know she will treat Zerker like her own.

That first week I came home sobbing thinking of someone else watching my baby. And, while I love her so much I want her around every minute, I also know that we can't do that right now. So going back at 6 weeks is not the worst thing in the world.

I have been going a little crazy the past few weeks, and I think going back to work will help distract me from that. I think if I had planned on staying home fulltime for a longer period of time I would have been able to get involved in more things (especially after the six week mark) like mommy - baby gym stuff or volunteering or all of the other cool stuff that mommies and babies do, but since I knew I had to go back to work I couldn't get involved in all that stuff. So these weeks have been fabulous for the Zerker and I getting to know each other, but I have sort of lost my normal get up and go type of personality and I need to get off of the couch.

Having such a short amount of time at home has made it seem like this week was when our real day to day life begins. This is the life we have been waiting for.

And I sort of feel like I am setting an example for the Zerker (although I know she is too young) to show that you can find some balance, bring home the bacon and fry it too or something like that. Please note that I am not dissing SAHMs at ALL. Becoming a mother to the zerker and staying home these weeks has only increased by admiration for SAHMs of the world.

If I waited longer then it would probably be harder on both of us, especially the Zerker. Going now gives her a chance to get used to T and not having me there 24-7from an early age.

I figured I would be a mess all day on monday (the longest I had ever been away from her was about an hour), but really, I wasn't. My boss is super cool and wants to ease me back into my work (actually he wants me to transition to something else which is freaking awesome) so I am not overly stressed this week and next at work. For the first time in a long time when I was going home I was excited (sort of like waiting to check and see what Santa brought you or what was in your easter basket or whether you got the part in the play or made the dance team)...driving home I didn't drive too fast, but I wanted too...I wanted to race to Ts and give the Zerker a big hug.

ANd when I got home monday night I just kept her with me nursing for hours until I started to fall asleep. I didn't want to even let DH nuzzle her. I will get over that! I didn't realize how tired I was until DH was tired too and it was too I do have to pace myself.

Today I work from home. Since I am pacing getting back into things there isn't a whole lot to do, so I was able to take a nap with Z (really needed it) and give her a bath (she hates it - i had to nurse her a bit just to calm her down after that...). I have a playmat here in the office along with her carrier and a bouncer. Right now though she is in my (Did I tell you friends that I got one???I love it!)She was nursing while I was working at first, but I didn't like how her head was and she was falling asleep anyways so she is just snuggled up to my belly/chest while I type/work away.

She is starting to wake more to come!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

One month

I have been writing this post since would think that being at home all the time I have plenty of time to blog. I don't really feel like I have much time. When I do get a break I feel like I should be doing other things like eating or showering.

Over a month has passed since the Zerker entered our lives.

I am sort of getting used to being a mommy, but it is also sinking in...Oh my! I am a Mom! I get scared that I am doing something wrong or that something will happen to her. It is a lot of responsibility.
I hate that it is RSV season. I am constantly in fear that the normal baby boogers and weird way infants breathe are signs of a cold. I worry that I am not taking her temp correctly. Worry worry worry....I figured I would be worried about her forever, and I was right.

Before she falls into a deep sleep she sometimes does this weird whimper while sleeping. It reminds me of when my dog has dreams in his sleep. Is that normal? (The baby whimper, not the dog dreams...) I worry that she has apnea or something. She is probably fine. I just sit around her while she sleeps and make sure she is breathing 20 times a night.

I started to say 'We' turned a new corner, but to be honest the Zerker turned the corner on her own. On Saturday she went to sleep at 8:30. At 12:30am I woke her up, fed and changed her, and put her back to sleep. She did it with no problem. She slept well until 4:00am and then I fed her, changed her and put her back to sleep. (She is sleeping in her carrier, but on her own!) she wasn't asleep but she put herself to sleep without a big fuss. Since then every night she has slept a little longer so that now she is just waking up once in the night at about 3am. And when she does wake up, I feed her and change her and then she goes right back to sleep. It is wonderful. She is wonderful. I am proud of her. She didn't even know that is what I needed...I guess she is growing up! Oh no!

I have one more week before I go back to work three days a week. We'll see how it goes. I am nervous. I know it will be tough at first, but I also know it is necessary.

Her personality comes out more and more every day. She seemed to enjoy me singing the song 'Baby face' to her today. Funny...that was the first song I ever performed at a show when I was three.

I worry how this little wonder will affect my relationship with DH. I get so uptight. I act like a byotch one minute and then apologize the next. I guess I will get the hang of it and will be able to handle it all without taking anything out on him. It isn't like he is doing anything wrong, if anything he is doing awesome. It is really tough. I am not quite sure how my parents managed nine kids.

I feel like my insecurities are very heightened these days. I revolve between being overly sensitive and totally over anything that is thrown at me. I don't want to come off as too needy, but I also want to be given a little extra love. I think this week was a little better. Last week I only left the house once for about thirty minutes. I think that caused a little bit more of the crazies. This week the Zerker and I took the ergo baby carrier and went to old navy one day and to the grocery another day, plus I had a doctor's appointment another day. Today I was so proud of myself because I managed to finally pick up all of my clothes off of the floor of my closet, organize, put away and wash the pieces that needed it. I was probably a little too proud, DH didn't seem to think it was as impressive as I did. Of course, he didn't see the hours of tending to the Zerker, letting her cry a bit here and there and getting her calmed enough to chill in a bouncer or take a nap to finish. Also I did the dishes, so I think that I accomplished huge amounts.

OK this post is long and winding. Sorry. (There I go again!)

Friday, February 6, 2009

Four weeks!

From Week 4

Don't hate me because I am beautiful....

I can't help myself...

Wink, wink, nod, nod...