Friday, October 17, 2008

I ask for Providence to smile upon me...

Today was my 28 week appt. I got a Rhogam shot and had my normal (non-PCOS early) 1hr Glucose test. I had a little food before I went in because they said I could at my last appointment. Also, I had around three sips of coffee. All of the sudden the sips of cream and sweetener with my coffee was going to completely mess up my test. I knew it was ridiculous because I barely drank any of it, and my emotions just about tipped over so they went ahead and did the test.
It put me in an unsettled mood for the rest of the appointment. I was on the verge of tears over nothing and I couldn't help it. I realize now that I have been like that for a few weeks. This past Saturday I had coffee with a mentor from college and the whole time I felt like I was just shy of tears. Some of it was natural - grieving, etc, but other teetering moments I think were directly related to hormones and the unknown.
So back to my appt. Not much else happened. You know, I am astonished at how little they actually do at these appointments. I mean is it worth it really? I could get a dopler and listen to the heartbeat. I could track my weight gain and check my blood pressure. I sort of feel lost when I go there, like I am supposed to learn more, that there is more to it, but there isn't. I just go and they check my blood pressure and they check my weight and they listen to Z's heartbeat. I am thankful for listening to Z's heartbeat (it was 140) but these things don't calm any of my fears.

I do suppose my next visit (in two weeks - now that I am in the seventh month) will give me more to either worry or feel better about - since we have the 3D/4D ultrasound.

Nothing will calm my fears until she is sleeping beside me or crying because she wants to be fed. And even then my fears will be different - the ones I don't speak of here - the ones about what I will do wrong...

I do not mean to sound so disappointed and definitely not ungrateful. I am thankful that Z's heartbeat was nice and strong. I am thankful that the little frog is jumping inside me everyday and jabbing my belly out. I think these next 12 weeks are going to fly by. I do feel it already happening.

I have my registry set up. I chose only tar.get, because it was just too much work to keep track of what was where with the big baby super store, and I completely dislike wal.mart.

I have a work baby shower Nov 13th.
My family and friends will be having one on Dec 6th. Seeing that it is October 17th - that DOES NOT seem like too far away. It is almost kind of scary. On the other hand - 12 weeks seems like an eternity.

And I have this crazy apprehension that no one will want to come to my shower. That no one even really wants to throw me a shower. That it is all a pain that I am forcing people to endure. I know it is silly - because everyone that comes will be great and it won't matter how many people are there - and people do want to come and celebrate little Z.

I think it all ties into the closeness of those tears. My insecure self is shining through - the one who always fears that no one will like her or that everyone who she thought cared really was just pretending and laughing at her behind her back. It sucks. I know I will manage - and if it gets too tough I will set an appointment with my therapist.

'My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage,
my greatest hope, greatest cause to grieve,
and my heart flew from its cage, and it bled upon my sleeve...'
-Indigo Girls