Friday, October 5, 2007

Going down, down, down

Beta #2

I don't really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like - oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don't know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn't started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed - but still occurred.

You know what though...I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs - that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can't deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn't very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses - a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it - or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past - and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn't post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn't more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him - sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying - we will keep on - but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me - but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me - and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me - but I can't make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don't think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.