Post Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was almost like a goofy movie! Fire in the oven, pies flying across the room...I mean...Really! It was hilarious. Sometimes you gotta laugh - you would cry your eyes out if you didn't.

My tree is up! The rest of my decorations are out (the little that there are - almost all center around Rudolph - I am obsessed)!

I went to my GestDiabetes class last week. It really wasn't anything new for me except going over how many carbs I was allowed throughout the day and when/how to check my sugars. I did that class with the nutritionist last year for PCOS/Insulin Resistance, and it is only a slight modification (a simpler process than the one my RE gave me).

My sugar levels seem all over the place. If I had already gone to the endocrinologist I would have had to send them my numbers (I was told if I was over a certain number for two days in a row I was to contact the doctor). I do have at least one level to blame on Thanksgiving stuffing. Another to blame on disgusting fast food when we were running from work to our expectant parent class. (It was the grossest meal I have had in a long time!) I really hope they don't make me take insulin. They should be calling to schedule my appointment tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go for my 34 week appt (although I am almost 35 weeks - the holiday got me all off schedule). I was thinking about checking with my doctor about the back pain. Tylenol is not going to help this type of pain. Some days I can barely walk. I am not sure what to do. How do I work out to get my sugar levels down if I can't transfer my weight to one of my legs without writhing in agony?

I have been riding an emotional roller coaster, and DH is riding right beside me. I feel bad for him. Saturday I simply passed the time. I had no urge to do anything at all - just felt so blah. I watched cheesy christmas movie after cheesy christmas movie. I should have been cleaning my house in preparation for my shower next Saturday. I do better at that stuff at the last minute, when there is no option to go sit down for a break.

Alien squirmer is extremely active at various times throughout the day. She is just as cute as possible, and I really wish she were sitting on my lap rather than inside it.

New Name Ideas

I am in the brainstorming period of creating a new blog. I never liked the name of this blog too much - felt like it didn't reflect all of me - and isn't as quirky as intended.

Anyways, with the kidlet on the verge of emerging, I think it will soon be time to move on to a different blog. The new one is not about the family - because it is mostly about me - of course it will be about my journey into motherhood with little Z, but it will also be about love (wonderful DH - indirectly), providence, work, and just about everything encompasses me. (Egotistical - right??) I guess what I mean is it isn't like it will be 'The Kyle Family' blog (although it will include fun facts about the kyle family).

If/when we decided to have another child and we have issues (highly likely) - this blog will still live on...

So for now I am building lists of possible names. I want to carefully select this one, rather than 'getting it over with' because I am afraid I will chicken out like I did before. I will not make the switch until little Z sleeps, eats and poops safely at home.
I am also thinking about switching to wordpress. Any suggestions regarding pros/cons of blogger to wordpress?

Insurance

Yesterday I was in such a bad mood. Nothing that bad went on, yet I was very irritable. I know I was a down right baby at times.

One thing that happened though really has me worried.
DH told me his company is switching insurance carriers on Jan 1st. I guess they switch plans every year, but the plans with the same carrier didn't seem to vary too much. This year, though, they happen to have switched the entire carrier.

I am not really sure where to go from here on this. I am due January 6th/9th.
We have been paying a monthly payment in estimation of what our entire maternity cost will be for our current plan. Now that seems to go out the window.

A 38th week induction is starting to sound very convenient. If I knew little Z would be ok, I would totally go for it.

I have switched insurance plans four times in the past three years. Every time it is a nightmare getting them all of the paperwork. I am sure I won't want to deal with it when I am taking care of a newborn and recovering from giving birth.

Plus, the last I heard, the new plan is with the carrier that is having issues with the hospital I am delivering at. If those issues are not resolved and they are no longer a preferred provider I may have to switch everything around. I think (pray,hope) they will (damn well better) resolve it. Ugh.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am thankful to have insurance. Our current plan was wonderful - they covered most of our fertility costs. It was a blessing while we had it. And the other plan is just as good (yet, I doubt it has the fertility treatments) and I am blessed to have health insurance in the first place. (although people who don't have insurance sometimes don't realize what we are paying for this stuff...160+ bucks every pay period...not cheap...)

I just needed to vent.

A bad day

I promise I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I promise I know how lucky we are that little Z is coming.

But, damnit if my back didn't hurt like a mutha yesterday.
I could hardly walk because at times I couldn't put pressure on one of my feet.

We went to the gymn in the morning and I walked on the treadmill for about 18 minutes. Then I walked over to the grocery and picked up items for the week. I think all of that excercise is what wore my back out for the day. Shopping alone usually makes me ache for the rest of the day.

I say 'all of that excercise' like I was running a marathon or something. I don't know if I can keep going to the gym regularly if it makes me an invalid for the rest of the day. Perhaps I should walk on the treadmill in the evening instead.

I have known for a while that my back is on it's way to an early retirement. At thirty years old I shouldn't have these pains. I know it is because of the 15 years I spent as a child in dance and gymnastics (especially all of that tumbling on concrete and high school gymnasiums without a mat).

Anyways, have a great day all!

Gestational Diabetes

I failed the 3 hour Glucose test.
I guess I failed two of the drawings. Neither of my failures were extreme, but just enough to tip the balance.


What does that mean?
Well, today my doctor said I have only gained 16 pounds. I think I might have said 18 before, but now that I look at it, he is right. So most likely I am doing fine and it won't be a huge deal. I really think all of the weight I have gained is baby weight - if anything I feel smaller in my face and arms and legs.

I have to go see an endocrinologist. The nurses are supposed to call to set up an appointment. I will know more then. I am guessing I will have to start monitoring my sugar and go back to my old PCOS diet, stick to sugar free or low sugar items and unfortunately no more potatoes. :(


I get to have an ultrasound at my 36 week appt to check out her size instead of just belly measurements. She will probably NOT be small, but I don't think she will be gigantic. The doctor keeps saying that GD babies tend to have big trunks...I don't quite know how to imagine that, but we will see. If she does get too big I will have a C-Section. I don't mind having a c-section. All I want is to have a safe and healthy delivery of our little girl.

I think I have started to feel emphathetic clausterphobia, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine her being crammed in my belly.

My work baby shower was yesterday and it was great! I will post on that this weekend.

I ordered our car seat today. I decided at the last minute that I was not going to use the travel system I had originally registered for because:
1. I really wanted a Chi.cco car seat, and I couldn't imagine paying over 300 bucks for the travel system.
2. I didn't really like it that much. I loved the pack n play that was part of the set, but I just registered for that travel system because it was easier, and how silly is that.

I picked up a bab.y tr.end sna.p n go stroller to go with the car seat. I know those are not listed as ones that are compatible, but everything I read from other users said they were able to make it fit. I found it on craigslist and got it for 20 bucks. It is well worth it if it works. If not, we will find something else.

Homecoming

This post has nothing to do with infertility or my pregnancy.
Yet, this is a very important post to me.

My sister is home.

She has been gone since January 3rd.

She has been in Iraq, serving our country.

She has a loving husband and two teenage daughters that have missed her drastically.

She won't be home-home until the end of the month.
Here are some photos of the homecoming.

My two beautiful nieces....



With anticipation....



Not enough words in our vocabulary....



All smiles...


Doing her duty (she is a PA officer)...


A slight pause...

First Class

We had our first expectant parents class last night.
It was good to go over all of the stages of delivery. Even talking about pregnancy stuff was good because the doctor's visits seem so brief. My doctor is VERY soft spoken and gentle (which I hope comes in handy some day), but it leaves room for information that I substitiute Dr Google for and never feel secure.

The movie wasn't that bad. We have three more weeks of that class and then a class on breastfeeding and a class on Newborn care. I hope we make it to the last of those classes. At that point I will be 36 weeks...and it will be the week after my Family Baby shower. If she comes before that I will 1. have to go to a different hospital (I learned that at the class) 2. NOT be ready.

Next week we tour the facility and learn ways to manage pain. (I am really trying to just not think about the pain. I figure it will be bad, it will not last more than a day or so, and then we will have a gift.)

We are 31 weeks. I have decided to forget about which day of the week we 'turn' that week, because it was originally a Tuesday, but then changed to a Friday, so around Tuesday I say we are in the next week.

It all seems a little trivial at this point....she could come at 37 weeks she could come at 38 weeks, and whenever she comes she is here...I just hope it is after 36 weeks...(I feel like I should be singing 'She'll be coming around the mountain')


On election night it was more interesting to watch my belly than the TV at first...she was squirming so much I felt like I was in an alien movie.

DH is adorable...he keeps saying 'I just wish she was here right now....'

Held in Providence

This weekend I will be going through a commitment ceremony to become a Providence Associate. I have been thinking about how Providence moves in my life

I sent this in an email to a friend/mentor this morning...this is my reflection so far...on where I am and how Providence guides me...

Once my cardinal direction was settled (marriage/secular life) I definitely became more grounded. The journey is always enlightening, but to me a lot of times it was a struggle - the unknown/fear. Not that everything is known now, nor that things do not change, but for now I don't have to make those decisions.

Of course other decisions/issues arise. I do feel like I was prepared for them. Struggling with infertility was not going to shake my core, threaten my complete stability...at least not so much that I would end up in a hospital. I may end up at a therapist, but I think that is a good/normal thing.

Infertility - it is hard to explain...when you spent ten years trying to improve your self image, it doesn't help when your own body is working against you to achieve a goal...the feelings of guilt and worry...but I do feel like the whole time I managed to keep my head above water. I do feel like I was more positive about how things would end up than negative. I wanted to try and get around it with the least amount of 'displacement'... that doesn't mean it wasn't tough. I can see how many marriages are tested with infertlilty...it is hard for two people to keep hope at the same level and focus and direction without surrendering...

And to lose a child...to experience that...it wasn't easy...even more of a toll on your self esteem. You can get pregnant, sure, but you just aren't fit to carry it - other people do it all the time, but your body can't provide more than a few weeks of shelter...and then the idea of what that means, and how to place it in your life. Was that a baby? Was it just some hormones? How do you process it, giving the emphasis that you need without being swallowed?

So when we finally came to the point that we were going to use medications, the first week of the treatment I was at the woods. I think that has a big part of how we got to where we are today. I was at that retreat, and I wasn't ignoring the issue, but I was also preparing/centering for what was to come. I went to every shrine and prayed and lit candles. I didn't have control, but I wanted to make sure I got as many entities aware and rooting for us.

And then we did concieve. And there was the ordeal of having odd numbers. The faith that I had to have to make my doctor wait before she forced me to terminate when she thought it was ectopic...because that wasn't how I felt...because I felt like this baby deserved a little more time to wait and see.

I haven't been able to enjoy the pregancy like most women...I have fought the urge of being succumbed by fears, waiting for the other shoe to drop...being aware and doing the best that I personally can to make everything ok, but still knowing that it is not in my control...

And then she was/is growing strong inside me...she is kicking and nudging my insides..and I have been blessed...our prayers were answered...but life always has strange ways

Because then Sue died. And the mixture of new life and stinging death has surrounded me...I woke up the other morning with the smell of Sue's perfume in my nose...and the memory of the scent lingered day long...I have dreams about once a week where she visits and it is comforting and saddening at the same time...

And as the time of Z's birth gets closer, I feel more confidence, but not complete...there is fear...

And during all of this I am held in Providence...there is trust...




Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Daylight Savings Time

I awoke at 3:30am. I knew I wouldn't be easy for me to go back to sleep so I came downstairs to watch TV until I felt sleep again.

Little did I know that it was not 3:30 am.

So here I am sitting up from 2:30am to 4am.

I swear it is 5! 5 is not so bad!

My extra hour of sleep would normally be welcome (sans pregnancy). These days though I can't stay awake past 9pm, and I always wake up early (not quite so early as 3:30 everyday).

Two years ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but then Indiana lawmakers decided it was time for the Hoosiers to join the rest of the country (except Arizona) and roll back/spring forward our clocks. Perhaps if I had lived with this clock rolling/springing process my whole life it would be easier. Ugh.

OK. I am going back to sleep now.

1 Hour GTT

I forgot to mention that I failed my one hour glucose test. Darn. I really thought that I might be able to get around all that sugar watching crap. And, I definitely didn't want to have to sit through the three hour test.

My score was 150.

Those nurses will NOT want to be around me by the second hour. No breakfast! All Morning! I will not be a very nice marsupial.

BTW - That is how I have felt every so often...like a kangaroo - with a Zoe ...um ...joey in my pocket...


Did you know that female marsupials have two vaginas?


Did you know that the plural of vagina is vaginae?