Thursday, July 3, 2008

the longest twenty minutes

I had my second OB check up today. I went to a different office than last time because I wanted to come this week and tomorrow is a holiday and he is always at the other office on Thursdays.

I think I would have felt a little more comfortable if I knew the nurses (not that I know the ones at his office too well yet...oh how I miss my wonderful nurses at the RE - they knew me by name and we discussed recipes while doing ultrasounds.

I gained only two lbs. My blood pressure is good.
These are good signs.

Then he brought out the doppler. This is what I have been waiting for.
He tried to find a heartbeat. It was not happening. I started getting nervous. Clumsy me...I pulled up my pants with the gel still all over my belly. I was a little embarassed, but mostly frightened more than I could imagine.

He told me that he could tell it was definitely larger, but that he couldn't find the heartbeat. He said not to worry (as if), it is sometimes hard to hear until week 16 or 18.

He scooted me off to the ultrasound room where a nurse got the machine ready and handed me the traditional piece of sheet. All of this was old hat to me, but of course, she had no idea.

I then removed my bottoms and waited. In my attempt to remain calm I whispered 'Hail Mary's' and tried to telepathically will the door open and the doctor to come in. It was my worst nightmare becoming a reality. I watched as the minutes and seconds moved on the empty ultrasound camara peering at me like a black hole in the sky.
I at once loved and hated the Anne Geddes Baby on the wall, hiding from everyone through a veil of hydrangeas and other purple flowers - like my dear subset - hiding its heart from me.

I shed a few tears, and cursed the fact that the only makeup I decided to wear this morning was mascara. I longed for DH to be there, and felt doom settle in on how I would get back home if my worst fears came to a fruition.

After the longest twenty minutes I have spent it a good deal of time, my doctor came in. He started to do the transvaginal, but decided to go on the belly.

Low and behold, the little bugger was squiggling around in there, almost swimming. He still didn't get a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating, and the size and shape of all looked good.

Here is what we saw (at least from one angle):

It looks sort of like a little alien, doesn't it? I mean it is the cutest alien I hav ever seen, but nonetheless slightly alien. He said most of the bones are still cartilage right now, and that the bone marrow should be filling soon. That is why it looks so fuzzy.

I know this post sounds like a drama queen. I am sure I come off like a big baby myself, but I really feel like I needed to record this event. It is like being on a teeter totter some days.

Perhaps I should by that poster to remind me who is hiding behind it. Perhaps the baby didn't want me to just hear a heartbeat, it wanted to come out from hiding and show itself and that was the only way.

Thanks all, for being so supportive.

Note - Just started posting the pictures through picassa. I do not know if you can select them or not. I hope I am not showing every picture on my computer too.

Note to self - Verify that you are not making your entire picture library public.