Monday, June 30, 2008


Our vacation was wonderful. We go to FL every year to visit DH's great Aunt who is 92. We may not go there next year, because every year she seems to push us out of the door after three hours, and it seems like an awful lot to take an entire weeks vacation for just three hours. Perhaps we could just go for a weekend next year. Then we could spend a week doing something different than the same old same old.

Nonetheless it was a good trip. A good balance between visiting relatives and spending time alone. We did have at least one night at a little motel in St Petersburg with no inlaws or sisters and aunts to visit with. And we got plenty of time with the family too.

It has been four weeks since I saw a doctor. Four weeks since I had an ultrasound.
I have no symptoms of a M/C but I am so worried. I have my second OB appt on thursday. I can't wait, just to monitor the heartbeat.

I wanted to buy a fetal heart monitor, just to abate my fears. I did buy an inexpensive one, only to open the package and see in the box that it says it won't be useful until the third trimester.

It is always in the back of my mind that something will go wrong. I know it is because we had such a hard time getting here (not nearly as hard as some people, I know) and because the start was so rocky.

I also worry about everything that I do. I am not perfect. I know I am not the perfect vessel to carry a child. For instance, I longed for seafood on our trip to the ocean (I didn't eat the shark DH caught, but I did other food, and I know it is ok and not to overdo it - but I wanted it so much - and I probably had more in that week than normally recommended - even of the safe but low quantity fish).

If there is anything wrong with our child, I will always feel responsible. I know that things happen and that babys are born with defects all the time, and most of them are not attributable to anything directly done by the mother, but I will immediately feel responsible. I am getting the tests done to check on anything that they can these days, but I would never make a decision to terminate. I am only checking so I will be aware.

And so, I wait. I am trying to be patient.
I am thirteen weeks tomorrow. I am out of the first three months. I have no spotting, no major pains. As far as I know I have nothing to worry about, but alas, I do worry.

I never realized how long the nine months would seem. Every day, potty break, every uterus expansion. I am aware. I am probably more aware than most people are (except for us IF). I hope, I pray, and rely on faith. I say I will feel responsible, but i also try to rationalize and keep myself sane. I know that things happen that we have no control over. At times we do not even have control over thigns that people think we have control. I have no switch that just flips and poof I am pregnant so I will constantly do all things for the life growing inside of me. I thought that is the way it would be. But now I just have a switch that flipped and poof everything I do I wander if I am causing a lifelong issue.

I don't want you to think I am out partying it up all the time. I am not. At all. I am just way over thinking everything - and for the love of flowers I am worrying about every small thing.....

Anyone have a fetal monitor that they purchased and don't need for say - four months?

Anyone recommend a good fetal monitor that is under 200 bucks?

If all goes well at my appt on Thursday - I will be inclined to tell more people - friends, co-workers who are not aware.