I saw this on a fellow infertile's Blog a few weeks ago (I didn't keep track of who it was- I am sorry!). Since then the song has been in my head and has really had an effect on me. It is so wonderful to become part of this whole community - to see that there are people out there experiencing the same feelings and struggles as we are.
Sometimes it can be really lonely - feeling like you are the only person on the planet that has this type of problem. I sent this to my Mom because I wanted her to get a better understanding of how it feels. She is very supportive, but she had nine children - so I always feel like she can never understand. I forget though - that she also had six miscarriages and she always had to deal with people asking her when she was going to STOP having children. For me it is when are you going to START. I guess there is some similarities. She is a good mom - so I try not to push to much.
I would die for that
Kellie Coffey
Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep
A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret
But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die For that
And I've been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete
With every test and checkup
Told not to give up
He wonders if it's him
And i wonder if it's me
But all I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I'd give up
I would die For that
Sometimes it's hard to conceive
When all that I've got
And all I've acheived
What I want most of all
Before my time is gone
Is to hear the words
I love you, Mom.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Beantown and Little Bean?
I had to go to Boston for work last week. It was a great visit. I was able to enjoy Lobster Newburg at the Union Oyster House. I know that isn't really a low carb dish - but when someone else is footing the bill - what can you do?
I don't know if I am pg yet. I don't think so - I did an EPT on Sunday that came back negative. I am still being positive though, because my under carriage has been rumbling for the past two weeks - with these faint cramps like I am getting ready for AF. Maybe it is AF, I can never be sure. My cycle is so erradic - past three cycle lengths were 29, 34, and 35 - so I have no idea what to expect this time.
I am not expecting a positive outcome this cycle - just thinking of how cool (not to mention thrifty) it would be, but the real goodies will start next week. That is when I will go for my second visit with my RE. I am anxious to find out what her suggestions for next steps will be and her review of all of my tests (plus the hubby's).
Oh - and did I mention I am on vacation ALL WEEK next week?
Yay for me! A whole week away from work that will not be spent in a family members extra bedroom.
Halelujiah! Somebody give me an AMEN!
I don't know if I am pg yet. I don't think so - I did an EPT on Sunday that came back negative. I am still being positive though, because my under carriage has been rumbling for the past two weeks - with these faint cramps like I am getting ready for AF. Maybe it is AF, I can never be sure. My cycle is so erradic - past three cycle lengths were 29, 34, and 35 - so I have no idea what to expect this time.
I am not expecting a positive outcome this cycle - just thinking of how cool (not to mention thrifty) it would be, but the real goodies will start next week. That is when I will go for my second visit with my RE. I am anxious to find out what her suggestions for next steps will be and her review of all of my tests (plus the hubby's).
Oh - and did I mention I am on vacation ALL WEEK next week?
Yay for me! A whole week away from work that will not be spent in a family members extra bedroom.
Halelujiah! Somebody give me an AMEN!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Ovulation, Ready, Set, Hike!
I think I might have actually ovulated all on my own this cycle.
I had some sharp pains on my right side on Thursday night. And, then I had some other weird pains for the next few days.
It is strange though because my last few cycles were much longer than this - Thurs would be around day 16. I haven't felt those types of pains for a while.
I did the whole OPK thing and I got positive results - but the results didn't come for at least 5 minutes - I guess that is normal.
It would be amazing if we actually got pregnant without stims, etc. I have heard that many people who have PCOS can increase their pregnancy chances by loosing weight and I have lost a little over 20 pounds at this point. Also I had that HSG - so I guess my chances are increased in that respect too - the little swimmers have a clearer path.
I am kind of slowing down on the weight loss now - but that is ok with me because I would rather lose it slowly and healthily than in a way that is just going to come back if I change my diet.
Don't get me wrong - I realize this carb watching diet is going to have to continue the rest of my life if I want to be healthy and not get Type II Diabetes - but I don't want to have to obsess about it either. Also, we have continued our regular workout schedule and it is awesome. It gave me an excuse to get an iPod - and I feel so much better - I can't believe I spent all that time feeling like such ass.
The OPK thing reminds me of an incident I had earlier this year. I took what I thought was a pregnancy test and it had a slight pink line. I was really amazed because - as you know - I have never gotten a postive before. At that time my hubby and I were wondering if it could really be true. It was the night after the Colts beat the Ravens in the Playoffs - and I pondered the possibility of a baby AND a Super Bowl in the same year. We both decided we would prefer the baby.
Afterwards I realized it was an OPK and that I was NOT pregnant and that I hadn't even ovulated (I guess the line on the OPK has to be really dark when you are ovulating to detect the LH surge - this was just very faint). We got the Super Bowl though - so it wasn't all bad.
I am keeping my hopes up that my ovaries can make the big come back like Peyton in the AFC Championship. Or maybe they are more like my boy, Bob Sanders - the playmaker in all the big games that has to miss most of the season.
I had some sharp pains on my right side on Thursday night. And, then I had some other weird pains for the next few days.
It is strange though because my last few cycles were much longer than this - Thurs would be around day 16. I haven't felt those types of pains for a while.
I did the whole OPK thing and I got positive results - but the results didn't come for at least 5 minutes - I guess that is normal.
It would be amazing if we actually got pregnant without stims, etc. I have heard that many people who have PCOS can increase their pregnancy chances by loosing weight and I have lost a little over 20 pounds at this point. Also I had that HSG - so I guess my chances are increased in that respect too - the little swimmers have a clearer path.
I am kind of slowing down on the weight loss now - but that is ok with me because I would rather lose it slowly and healthily than in a way that is just going to come back if I change my diet.
Don't get me wrong - I realize this carb watching diet is going to have to continue the rest of my life if I want to be healthy and not get Type II Diabetes - but I don't want to have to obsess about it either. Also, we have continued our regular workout schedule and it is awesome. It gave me an excuse to get an iPod - and I feel so much better - I can't believe I spent all that time feeling like such ass.
The OPK thing reminds me of an incident I had earlier this year. I took what I thought was a pregnancy test and it had a slight pink line. I was really amazed because - as you know - I have never gotten a postive before. At that time my hubby and I were wondering if it could really be true. It was the night after the Colts beat the Ravens in the Playoffs - and I pondered the possibility of a baby AND a Super Bowl in the same year. We both decided we would prefer the baby.
Afterwards I realized it was an OPK and that I was NOT pregnant and that I hadn't even ovulated (I guess the line on the OPK has to be really dark when you are ovulating to detect the LH surge - this was just very faint). We got the Super Bowl though - so it wasn't all bad.
I am keeping my hopes up that my ovaries can make the big come back like Peyton in the AFC Championship. Or maybe they are more like my boy, Bob Sanders - the playmaker in all the big games that has to miss most of the season.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
La Insulin Résistance!
I was at lunch today with a friend trying to explain insulin resistance. The only thing I kept thinking about was little cells fighting for a revolution....so here you go - my version of La Insulin Résistance - the protesting fat and liver cells.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Insurance Hell - Already???
I think I mentioned in a previous post that we have new insurance. I was really excited about it because we opted for the one with the slightly larger deductable that covers infertility up to 90percent. I am not sure what that means, but if I know insurance companies - they will do anything they can to get out of paying for something.
So anyways - switching insurance companies is nothing new to me. This is our 4th insurance in the last two years. And I know all about how they will hold off on paying something just because they say you have to give them this paperwork that shows you had insurance before, even though you sent said paperwork three months ago. So in order to prevent any delays in paying for my treatment and getting things in gear I decided to make a pre-emptive strike - old Georgie ain't the only one that can take down tyrants.
Being the kick ass professional woman that I am, I typed up a nice, informative fax. I included our current member number, and listed out each of our insurance companies - with member ids, group ids, company information and contact information. I also included a certificate of coverage for the majority of the companies. I called my new insurance company and talked to some guy (in Manila) who gave me a fax number to send my beautifully informative six page with cover letter fax to.
I sent the fax on July 27th - prior to my insurance company even getting any bills for us. I hadn't heard anything and I had been checking the website to see if anything posted there - claims and such. Finally last week I decided to call and make sure all was well. Of course on they said they had not received the fax. They told me to fax it again.
I asked how he would know that it was received if I sent it again - since no one got it in the first place. He said I could call back that night. At that point you know he is just trying to get me off the phone. I said to him - 'but I am sure you aren't in the same building as that fax machine - I am sure you won't be able to know that one fax was received out of all of the faxes your big corporation gets every day.' He said - 'Oh Yes! Just call back tonight.' I think I hung up on the poor guy, but it was just so silly that he thought I would believe that.
So I send the fax again. That evening, after once again being made to feel like I could not speak properly by the automated answering system that could not understand when I said the word 'member' (think of me screaming 'MMEEEEMMMBBBER' into the phone on the eighth try - I swear they are going to have to pay for blood pressure medicine pretty soon if they don't shape up)I finally talk to a person. She tells me that they will take up to three days to process any faxes. Of course they do. Who would have thought they could have a quicker turn around time than 72 hours. I mean even that is sort of pushing it for an insurance company - they move about as fast as the government.
So I call back today, I spoke to a very nice woman. She said they didn't get my fax. She also said that since I had already sent it twice - that I needed to speak to a supervisor - woohoo! someone actually cared! So I talked to this man who I could tell was actually in the US and he was great.
I wanted to say amazing - but then I thought - 'Can you really say that an insurance company's employee is amazing?' Let's leave amazing to Providence and such.
Anyways, he told me that they gave me the wrong fax. Evidently now I AM delayed because they are waiting on pre-existing insurance information.
You can't win - I tell ya - not when it comes to ninja insurance companies that can stealthfully escape any attempt at paying for medical care.
And I haven't even gone for my post work up yet. Wait until they actually get something that the diagnosis is Inferility - since now it is all under the PCOS umbrella - they will be even worse then - I am sure!
So anyways - switching insurance companies is nothing new to me. This is our 4th insurance in the last two years. And I know all about how they will hold off on paying something just because they say you have to give them this paperwork that shows you had insurance before, even though you sent said paperwork three months ago. So in order to prevent any delays in paying for my treatment and getting things in gear I decided to make a pre-emptive strike - old Georgie ain't the only one that can take down tyrants.
Being the kick ass professional woman that I am, I typed up a nice, informative fax. I included our current member number, and listed out each of our insurance companies - with member ids, group ids, company information and contact information. I also included a certificate of coverage for the majority of the companies. I called my new insurance company and talked to some guy (in Manila) who gave me a fax number to send my beautifully informative six page with cover letter fax to.
I sent the fax on July 27th - prior to my insurance company even getting any bills for us. I hadn't heard anything and I had been checking the website to see if anything posted there - claims and such. Finally last week I decided to call and make sure all was well. Of course on they said they had not received the fax. They told me to fax it again.
I asked how he would know that it was received if I sent it again - since no one got it in the first place. He said I could call back that night. At that point you know he is just trying to get me off the phone. I said to him - 'but I am sure you aren't in the same building as that fax machine - I am sure you won't be able to know that one fax was received out of all of the faxes your big corporation gets every day.' He said - 'Oh Yes! Just call back tonight.' I think I hung up on the poor guy, but it was just so silly that he thought I would believe that.
So I send the fax again. That evening, after once again being made to feel like I could not speak properly by the automated answering system that could not understand when I said the word 'member' (think of me screaming 'MMEEEEMMMBBBER' into the phone on the eighth try - I swear they are going to have to pay for blood pressure medicine pretty soon if they don't shape up)I finally talk to a person. She tells me that they will take up to three days to process any faxes. Of course they do. Who would have thought they could have a quicker turn around time than 72 hours. I mean even that is sort of pushing it for an insurance company - they move about as fast as the government.
So I call back today, I spoke to a very nice woman. She said they didn't get my fax. She also said that since I had already sent it twice - that I needed to speak to a supervisor - woohoo! someone actually cared! So I talked to this man who I could tell was actually in the US and he was great.
I wanted to say amazing - but then I thought - 'Can you really say that an insurance company's employee is amazing?' Let's leave amazing to Providence and such.
Anyways, he told me that they gave me the wrong fax. Evidently now I AM delayed because they are waiting on pre-existing insurance information.
You can't win - I tell ya - not when it comes to ninja insurance companies that can stealthfully escape any attempt at paying for medical care.
And I haven't even gone for my post work up yet. Wait until they actually get something that the diagnosis is Inferility - since now it is all under the PCOS umbrella - they will be even worse then - I am sure!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Hi there, nice to meet you, now listen to my life story...
I have been reading infertility blogs for some time now. I decided I am going to give it a shot. Writing is not my talent, but I feel so drawn to share my experiences too.
My PCOS journey....
Diagnosed in high school - but didn't really do anything about it.
Married 2 years ago - trying to concieve since marriage - no dice.
Started Metformin within last year.
Was going to GP - whom I really like. Changed insurance companies. Went to seminar at fertility clinic - decided to be more agressive in our reproductive therapy.
I started seeing a new RE in July. I have completed the full workup and am scheduled to go back for the post workup visit September 5th.
IF has been very tough on my husband and I - no surprise there. We have seen three family pregnancies and what seems like dozens of friends become parents since we started TTC. Luckily our relationship is very strong. We have enjoyed this kidless time immensly and our bond has only become stronger.
My REs workup:
1. Ultrasound - showed 'string of pearls' cysts
2. Three hour GTT and a bunch of other bloodwork - later asked to re-test DHEA-S and 17 OH-Progesterone levels due to being high on first check.
3. Cycle Day Three bloodwork - not sure what it was checking.
4. HSG - This SUCKED. My RE couldn't keep the speculum in - and she had to insert the Catheter 4 times. My stomach muscles clenched so hard they hurt for two days. Good thing though - I got the all clear sign on they tubes - so if there is ever actually an egg produced - there is a clear path for it to follow to my lovely uterus.
5. Semen analysis - I told husband that his test was WAY better than mine.
When go back in early September I am hoping that the next steps will be to take some ovulation stimulators (NOT CLOMID). I guess I have a higher percentage for pregnancy for the next three months because of the HSG flush.
So we finally got our first bills. I never understand how a blood test can cost so much money. I am curious what the insurance company is going to say. I know I have a deductable - but then they should pay the covered cost after that. We figured we might as well get started because the cost is going to be there -regardless.
Also, I have totally re-vamped my lifestyle recently. I try to keep to a low carb diet (but I occasionally take a 'carb day'). I also began working out on a regular basis including cardio and weight training. I feel great - and I am very hopeful that all of this will benefit my life and my fertility status. I quit smoking in March. I have lost 21 pounds so far. I feel better than I have for the past 5 years.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will be plus baby within the next year - but not getting too set on it. I know it is a journey....
My PCOS journey....
Diagnosed in high school - but didn't really do anything about it.
Married 2 years ago - trying to concieve since marriage - no dice.
Started Metformin within last year.
Was going to GP - whom I really like. Changed insurance companies. Went to seminar at fertility clinic - decided to be more agressive in our reproductive therapy.
I started seeing a new RE in July. I have completed the full workup and am scheduled to go back for the post workup visit September 5th.
IF has been very tough on my husband and I - no surprise there. We have seen three family pregnancies and what seems like dozens of friends become parents since we started TTC. Luckily our relationship is very strong. We have enjoyed this kidless time immensly and our bond has only become stronger.
My REs workup:
1. Ultrasound - showed 'string of pearls' cysts
2. Three hour GTT and a bunch of other bloodwork - later asked to re-test DHEA-S and 17 OH-Progesterone levels due to being high on first check.
3. Cycle Day Three bloodwork - not sure what it was checking.
4. HSG - This SUCKED. My RE couldn't keep the speculum in - and she had to insert the Catheter 4 times. My stomach muscles clenched so hard they hurt for two days. Good thing though - I got the all clear sign on they tubes - so if there is ever actually an egg produced - there is a clear path for it to follow to my lovely uterus.
5. Semen analysis - I told husband that his test was WAY better than mine.
When go back in early September I am hoping that the next steps will be to take some ovulation stimulators (NOT CLOMID). I guess I have a higher percentage for pregnancy for the next three months because of the HSG flush.
So we finally got our first bills. I never understand how a blood test can cost so much money. I am curious what the insurance company is going to say. I know I have a deductable - but then they should pay the covered cost after that. We figured we might as well get started because the cost is going to be there -regardless.
Also, I have totally re-vamped my lifestyle recently. I try to keep to a low carb diet (but I occasionally take a 'carb day'). I also began working out on a regular basis including cardio and weight training. I feel great - and I am very hopeful that all of this will benefit my life and my fertility status. I quit smoking in March. I have lost 21 pounds so far. I feel better than I have for the past 5 years.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will be plus baby within the next year - but not getting too set on it. I know it is a journey....
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