Wordle - thanks Farah!

Lullabies

I am a singer.
I don't do it publicly these days as much as I have in the past. Still, I cannot deny an essential part of my being.

My parents tell me that when I was three they could use the record player as a babysitter if they wanted to. I would listen to my Annie LP over and over again.

When I was five I started voice lessons. I was carted to various talent shows and performed in front of hundreds and sometimes thousands of people. If there was a festival, a school music program, a county fair - I was there in my latest dress siging 'Tommorow', 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', some Cabbage Patch song, or the latest song appropriate for a child

As I got older, I still performed in competitions. I also sang on an album recorded in Nashville, Tennessee.
I know there was a path I could have taken. My life would have been extremely different. I applied to Belmont University thinking about majoring in Music Business.

I ended up not doing that. I choose to study math at a small private college closer to home. I specifically didn't choose music becuase I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was for myself and not becuase it was what I had always done.

By my sophomore year in college I added a double major in Music. The whole experience with music in college was broadening and wonderful. I felt like I grew as a musician ten fold.

Once I graduated - I didn't see much opportunity to use music and make a living. I spend my days in an office - using the problem solving and critical thinking skills that I developed during all those math and liberal arts courses. I love my job, but I do miss music.

I know there are ways to supplement my needs. I was in a rock band for a few years with my sister. That was awesome, but time consuming. Once I got married I couldn't see playing gigs at bars every weekend.

I know I need to sing at church. I love singing at church. It is a time when I feel like 'this is what I am supposed to be doing - what I was made for' feeling. The catholic liturgy is beautiful, and when I am at church and not involved with the music I feel sort of like I am undercover. I am supposed to be leading the others from the choir loft or the cantor stand...not from the back pew.

I will be taking action on the church issues. I know that. We have been sort of wandering in search of our own parish for a while. We thought we found one, and my husband went through RCIA there, but now the priest we got to know has been moved to another parish and he mentioned to us that a different parish is building a brand new church five minutes from our house. The parish we have been attending is over thirty minutes from our house - which is fine, but closer is more convenient (especially with gas prices so high) and seems like we would be more apt to take part in more activities (such as the choir).

So what is the point with all this and how does it relate to our current state of infertility/fertility/pregnancy?

Lullabies.
I can't wait to sing with my child. To sing my child to sleep. To hold the baby close and find out the songs it likes the most.

I wonder at what point in this pregnancy will the baby start to recognize when I am signing in the car. I hope it is soothing to the baby.

I know I said a lot for a very small point. I just felt like expressing - so please excuse the long-winded post.
Have a great day.

Turpentine

"Turpentine"
Brandi Carlile

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

Out is Through

"Out Is Through"

Alanis Morrissette

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time that I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stale mate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately

the longest twenty minutes

I had my second OB check up today. I went to a different office than last time because I wanted to come this week and tomorrow is a holiday and he is always at the other office on Thursdays.

I think I would have felt a little more comfortable if I knew the nurses (not that I know the ones at his office too well yet...oh how I miss my wonderful nurses at the RE - they knew me by name and we discussed recipes while doing ultrasounds.

I gained only two lbs. My blood pressure is good.
These are good signs.

Then he brought out the doppler. This is what I have been waiting for.
He tried to find a heartbeat. It was not happening. I started getting nervous. Clumsy me...I pulled up my pants with the gel still all over my belly. I was a little embarassed, but mostly frightened more than I could imagine.

He told me that he could tell it was definitely larger, but that he couldn't find the heartbeat. He said not to worry (as if), it is sometimes hard to hear until week 16 or 18.

He scooted me off to the ultrasound room where a nurse got the machine ready and handed me the traditional piece of sheet. All of this was old hat to me, but of course, she had no idea.

I then removed my bottoms and waited. In my attempt to remain calm I whispered 'Hail Mary's' and tried to telepathically will the door open and the doctor to come in. It was my worst nightmare becoming a reality. I watched as the minutes and seconds moved on the empty ultrasound camara peering at me like a black hole in the sky.
I at once loved and hated the Anne Geddes Baby on the wall, hiding from everyone through a veil of hydrangeas and other purple flowers - like my dear subset - hiding its heart from me.

I shed a few tears, and cursed the fact that the only makeup I decided to wear this morning was mascara. I longed for DH to be there, and felt doom settle in on how I would get back home if my worst fears came to a fruition.

After the longest twenty minutes I have spent it a good deal of time, my doctor came in. He started to do the transvaginal, but decided to go on the belly.

Low and behold, the little bugger was squiggling around in there, almost swimming. He still didn't get a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating, and the size and shape of all looked good.

Here is what we saw (at least from one angle):



It looks sort of like a little alien, doesn't it? I mean it is the cutest alien I hav ever seen, but nonetheless slightly alien. He said most of the bones are still cartilage right now, and that the bone marrow should be filling soon. That is why it looks so fuzzy.

I know this post sounds like a drama queen. I am sure I come off like a big baby myself, but I really feel like I needed to record this event. It is like being on a teeter totter some days.

Perhaps I should by that poster to remind me who is hiding behind it. Perhaps the baby didn't want me to just hear a heartbeat, it wanted to come out from hiding and show itself and that was the only way.

Thanks all, for being so supportive.

Note - Just started posting the pictures through picassa. I do not know if you can select them or not. I hope I am not showing every picture on my computer too.

Note to self - Verify that you are not making your entire picture library public.

Patience

Our vacation was wonderful. We go to FL every year to visit DH's great Aunt who is 92. We may not go there next year, because every year she seems to push us out of the door after three hours, and it seems like an awful lot to take an entire weeks vacation for just three hours. Perhaps we could just go for a weekend next year. Then we could spend a week doing something different than the same old same old.

Nonetheless it was a good trip. A good balance between visiting relatives and spending time alone. We did have at least one night at a little motel in St Petersburg with no inlaws or sisters and aunts to visit with. And we got plenty of time with the family too.

It has been four weeks since I saw a doctor. Four weeks since I had an ultrasound.
I have no symptoms of a M/C but I am so worried. I have my second OB appt on thursday. I can't wait, just to monitor the heartbeat.

I wanted to buy a fetal heart monitor, just to abate my fears. I did buy an inexpensive one, only to open the package and see in the box that it says it won't be useful until the third trimester.

It is always in the back of my mind that something will go wrong. I know it is because we had such a hard time getting here (not nearly as hard as some people, I know) and because the start was so rocky.

I also worry about everything that I do. I am not perfect. I know I am not the perfect vessel to carry a child. For instance, I longed for seafood on our trip to the ocean (I didn't eat the shark DH caught, but I did other food, and I know it is ok and not to overdo it - but I wanted it so much - and I probably had more in that week than normally recommended - even of the safe but low quantity fish).

If there is anything wrong with our child, I will always feel responsible. I know that things happen and that babys are born with defects all the time, and most of them are not attributable to anything directly done by the mother, but I will immediately feel responsible. I am getting the tests done to check on anything that they can these days, but I would never make a decision to terminate. I am only checking so I will be aware.

And so, I wait. I am trying to be patient.
I am thirteen weeks tomorrow. I am out of the first three months. I have no spotting, no major pains. As far as I know I have nothing to worry about, but alas, I do worry.

I never realized how long the nine months would seem. Every day, potty break, every uterus expansion. I am aware. I am probably more aware than most people are (except for us IF). I hope, I pray, and rely on faith. I say I will feel responsible, but i also try to rationalize and keep myself sane. I know that things happen that we have no control over. At times we do not even have control over thigns that people think we have control. I have no switch that just flips and poof I am pregnant so I will constantly do all things for the life growing inside of me. I thought that is the way it would be. But now I just have a switch that flipped and poof everything I do I wander if I am causing a lifelong issue.

I don't want you to think I am out partying it up all the time. I am not. At all. I am just way over thinking everything - and for the love of flowers I am worrying about every small thing.....

Anyone have a fetal monitor that they purchased and don't need for say - four months?

Anyone recommend a good fetal monitor that is under 200 bucks?

If all goes well at my appt on Thursday - I will be inclined to tell more people - friends, co-workers who are not aware.

It will change in two minutes.

This u/s was taken last Friday. It was the first time DH had gone with me, and we had a really great time. You could see little arm and leg buds and the little subset was moving around a lot. It was hard to get a good steady picture, but everything looked great. The top picture shows the side view of the subset. The bottom one shows a top or bottom view (not sure), with a good strong heartbeat.

Little subset is 10 weeks this week. It is officially a fetus.

Sadly, this is the last u/s I will have for quite a while. It feels sort of wierd to not go see my RE for a long time (years or maybe never). I will miss WN1. I didn't get to see her for the last two times. I will have to stop by early next year, if all goes well.
I am really just trying to relax and stop worrying that everything will come crumbing down. I have no m/c symptoms. All of the u/s have shown a healthy heartbeat and accurate growth rates. Right now I am focusing on the first of July, when I will be approaching 14 weeks. One trimester at a time.

On a personal front, I think my progesterone levels have started to soar this week. THe only indication I have of this is that my emotions have been in upheaval the entire week. At first I could sense the bitchiness but not act on it. Now I am jumping at any opportunity before I can stop myself. And the next minute I will be in tears of frustration or sadness or worry. Nothing is wrong, work stuff is just work and not really something I care so much to cry about. My husband may just be making a joke and I take it all the wrong way.

This morning I was trying to get the scanner to work on the new vista machine and it wouldn't work. I got up at 5am and dh woke up around 545. He suggested we go to the gym and albeit did get kind of cranky trying to get me to get dressed. And this caused me to eventually just break down. Frack Vista! Wasting my time! Frack DH! Being mean to me when he gets up! AAAHHH! We worked it all out, but did not get to the gym.

He is realizing that although I am carrying this subset - it will affect him. I am really going to try to keep my emotions leveled, with the understanding that I need a little leeway because it isn't always possible.

This Saturday we are going on vacation. We are taking a road trip to Florida to visit DHs parents and great aunt and my sister and aunts. Last year when we made our annual trek I had to do a huge software deployment. That is what I do for money - I manage a software product. We got our most recent deployment out this past weekend, so I shouldn't have to worry about working at all. The deployment is why I have been so bad at posting frequency over the past few weeks.


PS - I ended up having to bring my laptop up to the office to get the scan to work....ugh. Dear HP - I most certainly do have HP Products installed on that machine - so why won't your Solution Center open????