Inexplicable

It is hard to explain how it feels to see the face your child for the first time.
I can't wait to hold her.

Here is a close up of Z's face...I think she has my nose...


Here she is, curled up and kicking it...


And here are her big feet...I think she got these from her dad....


Happy Halloween!

Starbuck gets the joke

When the leaves come falling down...

Today we went to a popular state park for autumn vistas. Of course, I took the opportunity to try out the new D60.
Below is a slideshow of my favorite pictures.


The video quality doesn't do the D60 justice, so if you want to look at the pictures themselves, take a peak (actually the first two are of my doggies, but they are cute too!)...

Fall 2008

Love's Recovery

For some reason I have had this song playing in my head for a few weeks....

It is really beautiful. It doesn't really speak about my life these days...a few quips from it are my favorite, and they will always speak to me....

'There I am in younger days, star gazing,
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be.
Not counting the unmarked paths of misperception,
my compass, faith in love's perfection,
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen....'

I have a very vivid memory that I relate to this line...It is me, walking in the mid - evening with my best friend on our beautiful college campus...It was the end of summer vacation before my junior year. I had spent a lonely hot summer living on a campus where there were perhaps 6 other students. My best friend had graduated in May and part of me was wondering what I would do with my time in the coming year. That is the me that I see in the 'There I am in younger days', but the picture perfect maps were never very clear during those years. I sometimes felt swallowed by the unknown...the possibility. I could be a nun (I was very serious, people - no joke)...I could get married (yeah right)...I could be boldly independent.

I never became a nun....as my current state shows (LOL). I never felt confident enough to take the first commited steps, and I suppose it came down to point that NOT making a decision IS making a decision.

And I did get married...once I finally understood the point...once I understood that marriage could be whatever my partner and I made it to be...and not the same old scary confinement that loomed over me during those days.

And these days I am thankful that there is not so much unknown in my life. The unknown of infertility and pregnancy is tough enough. If I was still wondering about major life directions, I would be more insecure. I try to remember everyday how blessed I am. I try not to let the unknown how little Z is and when we will go into labor and whether I will need surgery and whether she will be early. I am thankful for these worries. And there will always be whatifs in my life. I just don't worry about the past whatifs too much and try not to worry about the future ones....


'Tell all the friends
who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather'

Not that my life is static - I look forward to the changes that will occur...in my family - with little Z, with career possibilities, what new places we will live in and visit, there are so many opportunities again - and I do make a choice every day to be married - it's not perfect - but it is beautiful, and I am able to grasp my strength and not let unknowns cause insecurities...

The arrival...of the D60 that is....

My new toy was delivered tonight. Thankfully it is in tact and I have been playing around with it. I say 'thankfully' primarily because the UPS person left it with my neighbor without my consent. I am not surprised, because she works for UPS, so she probably told them that I would be ok with it. It sort of bothers me, because it looked like someone tried to cut the tape on the sides of the box to get a peek at what was inside. A lot of nerve...eh? I suppose I have a case for a complaint to UPS, but I really don't want to bother with it. All is well that ends well, as I have my new camera and it is intact. I want to believe that her intent was to be helpful because she knows I work a ways away. I just wish she would have asked me this evening and then offered to have them drop it there tomorrow. OK. Moving on...

I have had a chance to play around with it.
Here are some pictures for your delight. I have a lot to learn about all of the settings, but just playing around with it is fun too.

Starbuck....


Gus....


Grace...


The Big Belly...

OK - No more whining

Sorry for the whiney post. I know those days just come and go.

I went to my Terre Haute for a play last night. It was a nice rendition of a play they did when I was there (I Sleep but My Heart Watches). It was about the life of the foundress of my college, Saint Mother Theodore Guerin (the eighth Catholic Saint from North America). I wasn't exactly in it when they did it because I went to Italy for MTGs Beatificaion the week before, so I was supposed to sing a solo at the end. Then a very close person to me died the day of the dress rehearsal so I ended up not being in it at all. Needless to say, it was a very hard time for me.
And this year they put the production together at the last minute in honor of Sister Sue. I made it a point to be there in homage to Sue and Mother Theodore and the wonderous place that is Saint Mary-of-the-Woods.
I am glad I went, even though it meant staying up way later than I have been able to these days. The play started when I am usually falling asleep. I got home at 11:30pm, but I wasn't too exhausted.

In other news, I made a big purchase today that is related to our little Z. I ordered my first DSLR camera. I went with the Nik.on D60. I can't wait to start learning how to use it. I talked DH into getting it now so I would have plenty of time to understand all the bells and whistles before little Z gets here. I am just so excited. :) It is something I have been dreaming about for a while...I took some photography classes a few years back and since my current camera will cost 200+ to fix, I figured now was the time.

I ask for Providence to smile upon me...

Today was my 28 week appt. I got a Rhogam shot and had my normal (non-PCOS early) 1hr Glucose test. I had a little food before I went in because they said I could at my last appointment. Also, I had around three sips of coffee. All of the sudden the sips of cream and sweetener with my coffee was going to completely mess up my test. I knew it was ridiculous because I barely drank any of it, and my emotions just about tipped over so they went ahead and did the test.
It put me in an unsettled mood for the rest of the appointment. I was on the verge of tears over nothing and I couldn't help it. I realize now that I have been like that for a few weeks. This past Saturday I had coffee with a mentor from college and the whole time I felt like I was just shy of tears. Some of it was natural - grieving, etc, but other teetering moments I think were directly related to hormones and the unknown.
So back to my appt. Not much else happened. You know, I am astonished at how little they actually do at these appointments. I mean is it worth it really? I could get a dopler and listen to the heartbeat. I could track my weight gain and check my blood pressure. I sort of feel lost when I go there, like I am supposed to learn more, that there is more to it, but there isn't. I just go and they check my blood pressure and they check my weight and they listen to Z's heartbeat. I am thankful for listening to Z's heartbeat (it was 140) but these things don't calm any of my fears.

I do suppose my next visit (in two weeks - now that I am in the seventh month) will give me more to either worry or feel better about - since we have the 3D/4D ultrasound.

Nothing will calm my fears until she is sleeping beside me or crying because she wants to be fed. And even then my fears will be different - the ones I don't speak of here - the ones about what I will do wrong...

I do not mean to sound so disappointed and definitely not ungrateful. I am thankful that Z's heartbeat was nice and strong. I am thankful that the little frog is jumping inside me everyday and jabbing my belly out. I think these next 12 weeks are going to fly by. I do feel it already happening.

I have my registry set up. I chose only tar.get, because it was just too much work to keep track of what was where with the big baby super store, and I completely dislike wal.mart.

I have a work baby shower Nov 13th.
My family and friends will be having one on Dec 6th. Seeing that it is October 17th - that DOES NOT seem like too far away. It is almost kind of scary. On the other hand - 12 weeks seems like an eternity.

And I have this crazy apprehension that no one will want to come to my shower. That no one even really wants to throw me a shower. That it is all a pain that I am forcing people to endure. I know it is silly - because everyone that comes will be great and it won't matter how many people are there - and people do want to come and celebrate little Z.

I think it all ties into the closeness of those tears. My insecure self is shining through - the one who always fears that no one will like her or that everyone who she thought cared really was just pretending and laughing at her behind her back. It sucks. I know I will manage - and if it gets too tough I will set an appointment with my therapist.

'My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage,
my greatest hope, greatest cause to grieve,
and my heart flew from its cage, and it bled upon my sleeve...'
-Indigo Girls