Un-Simple Procreation

Hiatus

2009-03-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

Hello all, as promised I am putting this blog on hiatus until we choose to concieve another child....Don't fret! I have moved!
Follow along with my sometimes wacky, sometimes normal life (oh and keep up with how our beautiful little Zerker grows - because I know that is why most people read! lol)

To create ourselves anew

2009-02-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at how much she has grown. She is cooing. Not laughing yet, but she is close and it is so cute...

Our first week back to work went well. One night I even had DH pick her up and I hung out with a few friends for a little bit. I decided I won't do that too often, because once I left I just wanted to be home, and the drive home took too long. :)

Today has been wonderful. We woke up with the Zerker, then we have just been hanging out all day. No rush, no stress, just wonders. I hope we win the powerball so we can do this every day for the rest our lives. LOL!

Oh and she is rising from the ashes too...
(As you can see she wasn't really in the mood for pictures when we got back from church on Ash Wednesday...)

My blog is moving! I mentioned that I will be moving to a new blog once the Zerker is here. I think it is time. I will be working on the layout and officially transitioning very soon...Keep an eye out if you want to follow along. :)

Distraction

2009-02-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

I went back to work yesterday. I have a LOOONG post half way written. I will have it up before long.
In the meantime, this is hilarious....

more animals

hi ho hi ho

2009-02-22T18:36:00.001-08:00

I went back to work on Monday.
The Zerker is being cared for three days a week by a friend (T).
I will work from home the other two days. I am sure that will take some figuring out, but I do feel blessed to be able to do it, for a while at least.

During her first week I went to visit a day care and see if we were interested in taking her there. We decided home care was best, plus T is a super mommy and I know she will treat Zerker like her own.

That first week I came home sobbing thinking of someone else watching my baby. And, while I love her so much I want her around every minute, I also know that we can't do that right now. So going back at 6 weeks is not the worst thing in the world.

I have been going a little crazy the past few weeks, and I think going back to work will help distract me from that. I think if I had planned on staying home fulltime for a longer period of time I would have been able to get involved in more things (especially after the six week mark) like mommy - baby gym stuff or volunteering or all of the other cool stuff that mommies and babies do, but since I knew I had to go back to work I couldn't get involved in all that stuff. So these weeks have been fabulous for the Zerker and I getting to know each other, but I have sort of lost my normal get up and go type of personality and I need to get off of the couch.

Having such a short amount of time at home has made it seem like this week was when our real day to day life begins. This is the life we have been waiting for.

And I sort of feel like I am setting an example for the Zerker (although I know she is too young) to show that you can find some balance, bring home the bacon and fry it too or something like that. Please note that I am not dissing SAHMs at ALL. Becoming a mother to the zerker and staying home these weeks has only increased by admiration for SAHMs of the world.

If I waited longer then it would probably be harder on both of us, especially the Zerker. Going now gives her a chance to get used to T and not having me there 24-7from an early age.

I figured I would be a mess all day on monday (the longest I had ever been away from her was about an hour), but really, I wasn't. My boss is super cool and wants to ease me back into my work (actually he wants me to transition to something else which is freaking awesome) so I am not overly stressed this week and next at work. For the first time in a long time when I was going home I was excited (sort of like waiting to check and see what Santa brought you or what was in your easter basket or whether you got the part in the play or made the dance team)...driving home I didn't drive too fast, but I wanted too...I wanted to race to Ts and give the Zerker a big hug.

ANd when I got home monday night I just kept her with me nursing for hours until I started to fall asleep. I didn't want to even let DH nuzzle her. I will get over that! I didn't realize how tired I was until DH was tired too and it was too late...so I do have to pace myself.

Today I work from home. Since I am pacing getting back into things there isn't a whole lot to do, so I was able to take a nap with Z (really needed it) and give her a bath (she hates it - i had to nurse her a bit just to calm her down after that...). I have a playmat here in the office along with her carrier and a bouncer. Right now though she is in my er.go.baby.carrier.... (Did I tell you friends that I got one???I love it!)She was nursing while I was working at first, but I didn't like how her head was and she was falling asleep anyways so she is just snuggled up to my belly/chest while I type/work away.

She is starting to wake up...so more to come!

One month

2009-02-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

I have been writing this post since Monday....one would think that being at home all the time I have plenty of time to blog. I don't really feel like I have much time. When I do get a break I feel like I should be doing other things like eating or showering.

Over a month has passed since the Zerker entered our lives.

I am sort of getting used to being a mommy, but it is also sinking in...Oh my! I am a Mom! I get scared that I am doing something wrong or that something will happen to her. It is a lot of responsibility.
I hate that it is RSV season. I am constantly in fear that the normal baby boogers and weird way infants breathe are signs of a cold. I worry that I am not taking her temp correctly. Worry worry worry....I figured I would be worried about her forever, and I was right.

Before she falls into a deep sleep she sometimes does this weird whimper while sleeping. It reminds me of when my dog has dreams in his sleep. Is that normal? (The baby whimper, not the dog dreams...) I worry that she has apnea or something. She is probably fine. I just sit around her while she sleeps and make sure she is breathing 20 times a night.

I started to say 'We' turned a new corner, but to be honest the Zerker turned the corner on her own. On Saturday she went to sleep at 8:30. At 12:30am I woke her up, fed and changed her, and put her back to sleep. She did it with no problem. She slept well until 4:00am and then I fed her, changed her and put her back to sleep. (She is sleeping in her carrier, but on her own!) she wasn't asleep but she put herself to sleep without a big fuss. Since then every night she has slept a little longer so that now she is just waking up once in the night at about 3am. And when she does wake up, I feed her and change her and then she goes right back to sleep. It is wonderful. She is wonderful. I am proud of her. She didn't even know that is what I needed...I guess she is growing up! Oh no!

I have one more week before I go back to work three days a week. We'll see how it goes. I am nervous. I know it will be tough at first, but I also know it is necessary.

Her personality comes out more and more every day. She seemed to enjoy me singing the song 'Baby face' to her today. Funny...that was the first song I ever performed at a show when I was three.

I worry how this little wonder will affect my relationship with DH. I get so uptight. I act like a byotch one minute and then apologize the next. I guess I will get the hang of it and will be able to handle it all without taking anything out on him. It isn't like he is doing anything wrong, if anything he is doing awesome. It is really tough. I am not quite sure how my parents managed nine kids.

I feel like my insecurities are very heightened these days. I revolve between being overly sensitive and totally over anything that is thrown at me. I don't want to come off as too needy, but I also want to be given a little extra love. I think this week was a little better. Last week I only left the house once for about thirty minutes. I think that caused a little bit more of the crazies. This week the Zerker and I took the ergo baby carrier and went to old navy one day and to the grocery another day, plus I had a doctor's appointment another day. Today I was so proud of myself because I managed to finally pick up all of my clothes off of the floor of my closet, organize, put away and wash the pieces that needed it. I was probably a little too proud, DH didn't seem to think it was as impressive as I did. Of course, he didn't see the hours of tending to the Zerker, letting her cry a bit here and there and getting her calmed enough to chill in a bouncer or take a nap to finish. Also I did the dishes, so I think that I accomplished huge amounts.

OK this post is long and winding. Sorry. (There I go again!)

Four weeks!

2009-02-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

OMG!

From Week 4

Don't hate me because I am beautiful....

I can't help myself...

Wink, wink, nod, nod...

Once in a Lifetime

2009-01-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today the Zerker is christened. My brother is in town from DC to be the God Father. (He is actually my godfather too!) And, my sister will be the god mother.

I am not going to tell you that these days are easy...:) Ugh! Sometimes I am pushed to the point of frustration, but it only seems to happen between 3 and 4am, other than that I am cool. It is also a tough time for DH - who really has no previous experience with babies - and doesn't quite understand that it is normal to not always know what she wants and to not always be able to get her to sleep at 4am right away.

She turned three weeks yesterday! She was pronounced healthy at her doc appt on Thursday, where she weighed 7lbs 14 ozs (almost a pound up from her birth weight).

I do feel like she and I are bonding more every day. I swear she would talk to me if she could, her eyes just look like they are trying to tell me something. My milk does not seem to be doing that well despite fenugreek and attempting to pump. I know I don't pump as often as I should - it is really hard to find the time after supplementing and trying to get her back to sleep or not crying. She is not one of those perfectly content babies that never cries. Sometimes she is quiet and attentive and looking back with that soulful expression. And I DO think she smiles sometimes. I don't care if other people call it gas...

Everyday that goes by I get closer to going back to work. Ugh. Trying not to think about it....

I did get a bonus this week from work! Woo hoo! It meant that DH agreed that I could order the er.go.baby.car.rier! Yay! We have been waiting and trying to save as much as possible in this economic climate.

In honor of the Zerker's baptism - some talking heads...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-28T09:43:00.000-08:00

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

2009-01-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

This post is sort of long...sorry. I started it a few days ago and it seems to have a mind of its own....

Things are going well. I am very tired, as you might have noticed in that last post.
I (and the Lactation Consultant) think I have low supply.
Zoe has been doing marathon nursing sessions this week. I just can't seem to satiate her. Most likely because Strike 1 PCOS, Strike 2 Nipple shield, Strike 3 C-Section.

By marathon I mean that she would be feeding for an hour, sometimes and hour and a half. And then it would seem like within the hour she would want more food. I was having trouble finding time and energy to pump on that schedule. I know it is pretty normal for a newborn to be cyclical...eat, poop, sleep, eat poop, sleep...wash, rinse, repeat...but this week she was more like eeeeeaaaaaat, poop, sleep, eeeeeaaat, poop, sleep....

I went to the LC today. She helped me with better latching technique. Hopefully I can wean the nipple shield at least on one side. I was able to latch without it when I came home. I am not totally against the nipple shield forever (I like saying 'Activate the Lactaction Shields' when I use it) ...just willing to try anything to get her more food.

She IS getting enough though. She weighed in at 7lbs7ozs. She has gained a half pound over her birth weight in two weeks. Yay! That makes me happy.

Yesterday I ventured out into the world for something other than a doctors appointment. I went to my sister's for a short visit (where I proceeded to leave my lump sum short term disability check and not realize it was gone until today - can we say 'too tired to think straight??') and then to visit my co-workers. The Zerker was perfect at work - sleeping the whole time. :) On the way home I got seriously concerned that I was way too tired to be driving. I made it home ok, but I really need to get better at gauging it. I am not used to these hours or the breastfeeding and I guess I don't realize the toll that it takes on me until it just hits me and I can't do anymore. Needless to say when we got home and I fed her again I went to sleep and then slept for more hours later when DH got home. We have begun using the supplementer to finger feed her so that she can still suck but not get over fed. DH can do that, and it gives him a chance to get involved.

This morning I felt completely refreshed because I did get several hours of sleep.
I went to the LC today. After a normal feeding session timeframe Zerker had only recieved about an ounce of milk. She has advised the following process: nurse on both sides for up to 15 minutes each, then supplement with an extra ounce by finger feeding and then pump for fifteen minutes...sounds familiar...nurse, supplement, pump...wash, rinse, repeat...I am also supposed to start taking fenu.greek and ask my ob for a rx of reg.lan.

She doesn't take the bottle nipple well at all. It comes out too fast, then she spits it all back up. In two weeks I will work toward getting her to take a bottle better. I didn't even know there were such things as 'slow flow' or 'medium flow' or 'fast flow' bottle nipples. It isn't something people discuss, they should make onesies that say 'I like fast nipples' on them.

I am so glad it is the weekend. DH is home. I have missed him a lot. I am pretty sure I could never be a housewife. It just isn't my game. I don't think I would be a very good housewife/SAHM housekeeping wise either. Of course, when you spend every other hour nursing and the other hours changing diapers and such, you can't get much else done. Also, just miss the company of my DH.

These weeks are flying by. I wish time could slow down. It is wonderful to have her here every day. I know this post sounds like whining. I promise I don't mind any of these problems. I don't mind the no sleeping. Every coo, and every cry is totally worth it. If time would slow down then my bits and pieces of sleep would last longer too!

I mean how could you not just love this person?

Even if sometimes she is this person:

And sort of turns me into this person:

tired

2009-01-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

Week 1 Captured and Zoe's Quilt

2009-01-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

If breastfeeding or boob talk bothers you - then do not read this post. Personally I am beginning to think that breastfeeding is one of the most amazing and natural things on the planet!

So the first week is over. It went pretty well. I think we are handling being newbie parents really well. The nipple shields are helping out tremendously and I am now the proud owner of a Med.ela Pum.p N St.yle. So I am totally styling with these big suction cups attached to my breasts a few times a day.
Zoe had a doctor appt on Thursday. I guess they have breastfeeding babies go in during the first week to monitor their weight. You know what the amazing thing was??? From tuesday to thursday she gained 5.5 ounces! Now that is what I call Nipple Shield Magic!
Pumping is going ok. I don't seem to get more than an ounce at a time with the pump. I am not sure how long I am actually supposed to pump? I figure the amount will increase as my supply increases. Should I be worried? I am going to see the LC again this coming week, so hopefully I will be a bit more confident.

I am not worried about Zoe just yet though. There seems to be plenty of supply when she is nursing. If anything she doesn't take in the whole breast supply at the time (not that a breast can ever be empty). I have taken to just giving her one breast at a time because it seems to satisfy her and then from what I have read she gets more 'hind milk'.

I am now the owner of squirting boobs in the morning. Zoe eats about every two to three hours throughout the day. I am not one to set a schedule, I just sort of take her cues. There are times when I have tried to keep her up or I woke her up because I wanted to feed her later or felt like she needed to eat (or my breasts told me she needed to eat). It doesn't really work that well anyways - I mean she is always up for eating at first, but if she isn't hungry she eventually just stops suckling and just snuggles...and if she is tired she is going to sleep whether I try to keep her up or not - she will just be more grouchy on the way.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I got the Nikon. It is amazing! I almost feel like I won't need to get formal pictures taken - because I can do the settings myself - it is SOOO COOL. I might invest in another flash for it, but I need to research it first. Speaking of the Nikon - I did a little photog session yesterday and this result (I used the 'old movie' feature in Mo.vie.Mak.er - the pictures are actually much crisper than what you see)...

So I think I mentioned back when we were getting the nursery ready that instead of buying a crib set we were having a quilt made out of mary engelbreit fabric. I had been searching Etsy for different quilts and then decided that it would be better to have one made. Then of my co-workers suggested another person we will call her Maria...Maria is a friend and retired former co-worker. She totally was up for making the quilt for us. She took the ME fabric, she and I shopped for the rest of the fabric and the backing and she did all the hard work. I have never quilted in my life. She is awesome at it. She made the quilt as a gift for Zoe. Isn't that great? I have found in the past week that the blankets that were made for her are so EXTRA Special. Another co-worker crocheted a blanket for her and one of my aunts made her a blanket too. They are snuggly and cute. I wish I had the patience to make those wonderful things! Guess what came in the mail today? Zoe's Quilt! Here are some pictures of the quilt.

I have another post brewing about my personal highlights so far.

my new desktop background

2009-01-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

praise to the goddess of nipple shields

2009-01-14T14:32:00.000-08:00

So yesterday morning I started to write this long dreadful post about how I was freaking out of breast feeding. After a two hour attempt on Monday evening of getting the Zerker to latch I had resorted to giving her formula to sustain her.

Then yesterday afternoon I had an appt with the Lactation consultant. She gave me some nipple shields and it ahs been a lifesaver. Now I really need a pump (which we are picking up tomorrow) so that I can make sure my breasts are getting completely unloaded each time, because little Z doesn't seem to eat as much sometimes and I don't want to lose the progress in supply that I have made. The manual pumping is not working.

The night I gave her the bottle I think I cried more than she did. (not during the latching attempts - I was maintaining calm for the little chica at that time) but in feeling like a failure and frustrated that I would miss out of on the awesome experience of nursing her directly from the breast. I didn't expect to enjoy that so much before she was born. Now I don't want to miss out on it.

DH is wonderful. Right now I think he is getting a little stir crazy and I realized today that I needed to chill out on being demanding to him. He really is amazing - and so caring...he would do anything for the Zerker and me. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky finding him.

And now I KNOW my hormones are about to put the crazy on. Being close to tears at various times because of little things - knowing it is only hormones but having little control over it...I haven't broken down and I will keep an eye on it. It isn't about the Zerker at all - just feels to me like I do when I am PMSing.

I need to wake up Zerker to make her eat. My milk makers are telling me that she HAS TO EAT.

Our Journey to the Zerker

2009-01-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

A little treat regarding our recent additions. Her initials spell ZERK, so she will be deemd the Zerker. Introducing my little glow worm....:)

She is here....

2009-01-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

First and foremost - this is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen...

The past few days have been a whirlwind.
I went in for the induction on Thursday evening. My water broke on its own before midnight that night and I had steady contractions on my own with only the one cytotec application. I had some nubain and low grade narcotics throughout the evening to get me through the first few centimeters of dialation. By 4:30am I was dialated to 4cm, but I chose to wait until 7am for the epidural.

They started pitocen at low levels and I got my epidural. I continued on with the intention of a vaginal delivery.

That isn't what ended up happening.

At around 11am my nurse went to change my IV and she couldn't get it to flow into my hand. Something was wrong with it (from what I could tell after the next few moments she did not do what she was supposed to do by flushing it or something...) The next thing I new she was having troubling finding the baby's heartbeat on the monitor, her supervisor called in a bunch of other nurses, they stuck me under oxygen, threw in on my side and started doing something to my cervix. Needless to say I was freaked out. I had no idea what was going on. Praying the hail mary over and over again while they were workign away. Then something came to me about what they were doing. They were putting an internal monitor on Z. Nothing was wrong with her. She probably just moved in a way that the nurse couldn't reach. I balled for a few minutes just getting over the scarieness of that situation.

So that was around 11am, at that time I was dialated to 8cm. When they inserted the monitor they had to stop the pitcoen. When they re-started it they coulnd't start it at the same level as before because it could cause strain on the baby.
It took some time to get my contractions back to the regularity they had been coming at. Over the next hour or so I dialated to about 9.5 cm. There was a problem though...she was still to far up and my doctor didn't think my pelvis was going to be wide enough to fit her,

He gave us 3 hours to see what happened. Within the next three hours nothing really changed. She wasn't going to fit. And I have BIG hips - so evidenty a big butt does not mean you have child bearing hips!

At 3:30pm it was decided that I was going to have a c-section.
C-section began at 4pm.
Zoe Ellen Ruth Kyle was delivered at 4:18pm EST.

Weighing in at a mere 6 lbs 15 ozs - 19 inches long...

Hearing her cry right after she came out was probably the most beautiful and relieving sound I have ever heard. Hearing my husband gasp 'She is beautiful' was so amazing, I can't really explain.

All fingers and toes accounted for. Beautiful color. Really Big Feet.

Breastfeeding is going well so far. I will write more later. It is a very emotional time - adjusting my outlook on life...being so blessed...

Induction

2009-01-07T02:48:00.000-08:00

I saw my doctor yesterday. I am still surprised at his gentleness compared to the other doctors. He didn't measure my belly or poke me until it hurt - I guess the other two weren't that familiar with me. He checked my cervix and there was no more progress in the dialation. So.....

da da da-da

I am scheduled for an induction beginning tomorrow (Thursday) evening.
I am supposed to go in at 7:30 pm to begin cytotec application for softening of the cervix. Then I suppose we will see where it goes.
I have heard that for some, that is all it takes to get things started. That would be cool - since I have heard pitocen can cause some crazy pain...like labor isn't crazy pain anyways...I guess women who have experienced both natural and induced would be able to explain the difference - but it seems to me like every birth is different so it would be hard to completely contribute it to the drug.

They won't break my water until sometime on Friday. I assume she will be here on Friday.

So her birthday will probably be 01/09/2009. Not bad. I had been hoping for an even date, but this one has a ring to it.

I put her birth date into a numerology calculator and this is what it said....

9 January 2009
Your date of conception was on or about 18 April 2008 which was a Friday.

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 3.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Love always and deeply.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 2, 5 & 11.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 7, 8 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2454840.5.
The golden number for 2009 is 15.
The epact number for 2009 is 3.
The year 2009 is not a leap year.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Goose; your plant is Bramble.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 13 Tevet 5769.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 14 Tevet 5769.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.19.15.17.16 which is
12 baktun 19 katun 15 tun 17 uinal 16 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Friday, 12 Muharram 1430 (1430-1-12).

Celebrities who share your birthday:
A.J. McLean (1978) Dave Matthews (1967) Crystal Gayle (1951)
Jimmy Page (1944) Joan Baez (1941) Susannah York (1941)
Bob Denver (1935) Richard Nixon (1913) Gracie Fields (1898)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 8th, 17th, 26th.
Your opposition sign is Cancer.
Your opposition number(s) is 2 & 7.

There are 2 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 0 candles.

Those 0 candles produce 0 BTUs,
or 0 calories of heat (that's only 0.0000 food Calories!) .
You can boil 0.00 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Garnet

The Mystical properties of Garnet

Garnet is used as a power stone
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is

Fir Tree, the Mysterious
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

T Minus 1

2009-01-05T05:14:00.000-08:00

Looking at that ticker, and knowing it says '1' is pretty amazing.

I have been quiet around here, mostly because there is little to report on the baby front and I have been trying to absorb as much time with the family as possible.

My husband went back to work on Friday. He did have the weekend off, but now he is off to the daily grind while I sit at home and wait for something to happen.

Last friday I had my 39 week checkup. They put me on the NST for a while and everything seemed fine. I am not having any contractions (well i mean there are a few here and there and there is very very small actions happening, but nothing of any importance). I am dialated to about 1cm.

My doctor has been on vacation for my last two appointments, and I sort of feel like I am a woman without a plan. He said previously was he didn't think he would let me go much past the first of the year. It is January 5th. Tomorrow is my due date. I have an NST scheduled tomorrow morning and an appointment later in the day. I am going to finish packing up my bag with all of my hospital needs and little Zs first outfits. I am putting that suitcase in my car and taking it to my appointment. Perhaps it is wishful thinking, but I would not mind one bit for him to send me directly to Labor and Delivery for an induction after my appointment. Otherwise I am hoping he schedules the induction for later in the week.

I am getting worried about her size and how big her head is. I know you never can really tell, and if a vaginal delivery doesn't work out they are very experienced with heading toward the c-section in time. I am trying not to read about all of the things that can go wrong. I can make all that stuff up on my own - so there is no point in making a bigger deal about it.

In other news, we bought a new car for the DH this past week. A 2009 Honda Civic Sedan. It is Atomic blue - and it is beautiful. I am so happy for him. He has had a no frills Dodge Neon in which the lock on the driver side door didn't work for ages. We kept putting money into it until we decided to take advantage of the year end financing options they have out now that made it hard to pass up. Plus - I don't see how we could do wrong with a Civic. It is always great to mention to people about your new car and get stories of how they know people who drove theirs without problems for 200,000 to 300,000 plus miles.

We thought about trading in my car too and getting a new Honda Fit or Toyota Matrix. I test drove the Fit, and while it would have been a great car for the 25 year old Beth, the 31 year old didn't like it enough to trade in my current car. I have a 2005 Pontiac Vibe. I didn't realize how much I love my car until I considered getting rid of it, and I liked it too much to chuck it to the curb for fancy dancy newness.

Since I didn't get a new car I did get a bonus...I got my car detailed. Ziebart was having a year end special of half price on interior detailing. It looks amazing! Like a brand new car! I have to admit my car was just disgusting. We have two long-haired dogs - the type of hair that just doesn't come up with those car-wash vacuums. And I had let it get out of hand. I am not making excuses. I commute 45+minutes to work every day (or at least I do when I am not on leave) and at times it feels like I live in that car. Since Z will be here soon, and I didn't feel comfortable installing the carseat in that dirty back seat, I talked DH into letting me get it done. Like I said they had a special, but they still charged me extra and needed more time because my car was just THAT dirty. (I know I should be ashamed.) Now I am all excited to go for a drive in my fresh smelling like-new car!

Needless to say, the dogs will be relagated to the cargo back and OUT of the back seat from now on. And I am going to seriously work on keeping my car clean.

I leave you with a few pictures.

On Christmas Eve we went to a party at my brother's house. Here is a picture of my immediate family - parent's down...well all but one sister who couldn't make it in from Florirda for the holiday...yes - I am the youngest of nine, so there are eight siblings and two parents in this photo...

Here is a belly picture at 39 Weeks - 5 days (Saturday). It is important - because it is the last time I will wear my Bob Sanders jersey while pregnant with Z. And, while it is sad that the Colts lost their first playoff game, I am personally ready to move on to something a little more important - like being a mom. (If you knew how obsessed with the Colts I have been in the past, you might surprised at that statement- probably not). Saturday evening was a somber time in our house, but it is much easier for DH and I to get over with the anticipation of Little Z.

Single Digits

2008-12-28T07:02:00.000-08:00

This is just a quick post to note how freaking crazy it is to look at that baby ticker and see it in the single digits.
I said to DH that I will miss her being inside me. She is my pal...we hang together...he said well she will be even more of my pal....and I said oh yes, but she will be much more noisy and perhaps won't like the same music as me!

Christmas was wonderful.

We probably have to get a new car for DH this week.

I may get one too.

He is probably going to get a new civic - and I am looking at the matrix (although I still love my car - a pontiac vibe and the only real benefit would be newness and a moonroof...so we will see - i mean childcare and diapers are coming too - so perhaps i should wait...oh the tantilization! and there are such good financing options out there right now...)
alas - we will see what will happens...

38 Weeks and Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T04:58:00.001-08:00

I am so creative with the titles, eh?

It is crazy to look at that baby floating around on the blog and see that it says 13 days until the due date.

It is also fricking fantastic. I am so content that she is hanging out in my gut long enough to ensure that her teeny lungs are prepared to deal with the world! All that worry about pre-term labor! Ha! I should have worried about more important things - like whether I would win my Fantasy football league (I am totally kidding...oh but I DID beat DH this week in the championship game of my family fantasy football league! WOO HOO!)

No sign of the girlet. I mean I have vague nausea and some slowing down of the whole digestive system, but no contractions - not even a lot of braxton hicks. I don't think she will be here until next year. My OB said he would NOT induce until after the first of the year. No worries. She will come when she is ready - or he will force the issue when he thinks he should. I, on the other hand, have no say in this! (Sort of sucky - huh? I mean it is my body! LOL)

I haven't sent my sugar levels to the endocrinologist since last week because - um I am not at work and I don't have easy access to the fax machine. I wish they would give me an email address. What are they gonna do? Come here and beat me up? It is christmas for bejeasus sake and I am 38 weeks pregnant! My sugar levels are fine and it really all seems like a bunch of over-concern.

I am not really that uncomfortable. My next OB appt is friday. I have to see a different doc because of course scheduling a week in advance on a holiday week gives you a very low percentage of getting an appt with your actual doctor. It isn't a big deal. Actually, I thought we were supposed to have visits with other doctors in the practice anyways in case they were the ones on call when you were ready to deliver - so it is probably a good thing. It will give me a chance to meet at least one more and shake hands before that doc ends up with their head peering at my hooha and making major decisions in the birth of our child.

Current worries and prayer wishes:
1. That I am near the hospital and don't get stuck in some bad weather when I go into labor.
2. That girlet is too big to fit through my hooha and I have to have an emergency c-section. I almost wish she had measured larger so there would be no question.
3. Complications in birth - oh it is so scary! We should have more control over this!

Christmas Eve is and has always been probably the biggest deal in my family since before I was born. We ALWAYS have a big party at my childhood home (my brother and his family live there now). It is a log cabin in the woods (hence the being a way from the hospital and going in to labor fear). It is probably one of my favorite days of the year. I am excited - even if I can't drink it up with my cousins this year - I am so happy to get together with everyone and have a great time! One of the highlights of the night is all of the kids and women dancing and singing 'Must Be Santa!'- a song from the Sing Along with Mitch Christmas album....

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Full Term for my Birthday

2008-12-16T03:14:00.000-08:00

Today I turn 31! I also am 37 weeks pregnant! Full term! Yay!

I can't think of a better gift!

Psycho Kity

2008-12-15T07:05:00.001-08:00

My cats are crazy today.
One is racing through the house. Another thought it would be alright to climb up in the christmas tree.

Here is what I say:

I had to take this off - it was driving me nuts playing automatically when the blog loaded....

Woodsies and Onesies

2008-12-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to the annual Woodsie Christmas party. A woodsie is the nickname of a woman who attends my undergrad college - Saint Mary of the Woods College.

This is not a formal college event, but a small gathering of some of the wonderful ladies I went to school with. I was in choir with all of them, and although I was a few years older than most of them, they have welcomed me into their gatherings. It is a delight.

Here is a quick pic of the group....we were so color coordinated with reds/blues and bookend blacks :) ...

And today I did a small craft project.

I made four onesies for little Z. I have been looking at different funny onesies on cafepress and various other sites. I decided rather than paying 20 bucks for them I could just buy a pack of onesies and some iron on transfers and make my own!

Here is all four of them...proof they are onesies....

And here they are individually...
Righteous Baby - my hommage to Ani Difranco's record company....little Z will be one tough chick....

A little Pink Floyd for the DH (it is his favorite band)...

A reference to DH and I being from opposite sides of the state (at least when it comes to college athletics)....

And a math geek's way of showing love....(both DH and I are pretty geeky - especially when it comes to math...I majored in it and he still does problems for 'fun')...

I did one more, only to realize after I had ironed it on that I had deleted a letter prior to printing the iron on...You don't spell grandchild without an L. It was definitely a challenge...I had to figure out how to reverse all of the lettering and pictures prior to printing. I know the typo wasn't in the original document, so I must have deleted it when I had to transfer it to powerpoint to get it to print properly. Ugh. Now do I keep a onesie with a typo? I mean I am going to make other one for public consumption, and maybe some more since I have quite a bit of the iron on stuff left over. I coud just use it as an undershirt i guess... It is funny really.

Enjoy!

watershed

2008-12-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

I wrote the green portion in August. This post has been stirring for a while. I feel like it is time to click 'Publish' and let go.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how the baby will affect my life. I am not so silly to think that I will be able to jump back into everything I did before and move on. I am excited at adding this new role to my life. And I do dream all day long about those wonderful times when I get to be the mother of a person.

But, I have spent so much time not being a mother. I sometimes think it was easier for my Mom because she got married when she was 19 and began having babies. Of course I don't think having nine babies was easy for her, but at least for forming her sense of self. I have spent so much time trying to go through a path that helps me to prepare for this...going to college, getting a job and starting my career....waiting to begin a serious relationship until I knew I was ready...knowing when I was ready and being lucky enough to find that relationship in a relatively short manner of time.

I have worked my entire career at one company. I have paid my dues along the way with time, energy and persistence. I waited through the times it sucked and always remained flexible enough to be in the position to move up to the next rung on the ladder.

When I went to college, I really had no idea what I was going to do. I studied Math and Music. I didn't really have a job or even a type of job lined up when I graduated. I spent a year volunteering through Americorps and the began the search for something. This was the first company that I started at after that. I do feel blessed. I do know that I trusted in Providence enough to take me to where I was supposed to be.

And when I got to this company, I started realizing how different it was for women in the corporate world. I know things have gotten much better, but I see first hand how differently things are done based on gender. I figured out that I would probably have to work three times as hard to get ahead, so that is what I did.

And now...I still feel like the above. It is the path I have walked. I worked my arse off to get where I am and I can't ever worry that this next step is something in contradiction to those efforts. There are days when I fear that I will be seen differently - perhaps not as respected- when I come back to work, but I am sure that is just me making the worst of a situation. I don't want special treatment, but I also know the law is pretty clear and I also know that my work is not like that - my boss is great- the whole place is like a family - and they want what is best for me, as long as I doing what I am paid to do.

I am curious and excited to see where it will lead. I have to go back to work (it isn't an option right now financially, I am an equal breadwinner in this household) after 6 weeks of maternity leave. I know it will be tough. I am already torn. Part of my identity is what I do. If that just stopped when I became a mother, then I would be even more scared of the transition. But there is new part of my identity that will soon emerge. And it is wonderful and meaningful.

And I know I will want to be the one with her at all times. My work is flexible. I will work from home with Z two days out of the work week. She will either be at a day care facility or the home of a friend for three days out of the week. My boss is flexible enough that if I felt I needed to modify that when I return, he would work with me on it, perhaps going part-time or only going into the office half days for a period of time.

I can see us getting to a different point in a few years financially where I could always work part time or even stay home if that is what we wanted to do. Perhaps if we have a second child it would be best. I have toyed with the idea of home-schooling Z when the time comes. We really want to make sure she is prepared in Math and Science and want to take part in her education.

But - that is the future, and right now I am on the fork in the road - the watershed - and i am not going to agonize - I am just excited to see where we go....

Thought I knew my mind
Like the back of my hand
The gold and the rainbow
But nothing panned out as I planned
And they say only milk and honeys
Gonna make your soul satisfied
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide

Twisted guardrails on the highway
Broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someones tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent
They say that its never too late
But you dont, you dont get any younger
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And theres always retrospect
(when youre looking back)
To light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh
You start at the top
Go full circle round
Catch a breeze
Take a spill
But ending up where I started again
Makes me wanna stand still

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Stepping on a crack
Breaking up and looking back
Til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
Til every step you take becomes a twist of fate

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agonys your heaviest load
Youll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

And when youre learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

Gonna have to wait a bit :)

2008-12-12T07:01:00.000-08:00

I had my 36 week appt today along with the measurement u/s...and the results are in.

She is weighing in at 6lbs 9ozs. Right on schedule. Her belly is a little fat, and her legs are short. The fluid levels are ok and all is well.

Looks like I won't be needing to schedule a C-Section. I am glad about that.

Oh and I had that swab strep test. No biggie. (Still -yuck)

And I am about 25% effaced. No dialation. Some thinning of the lining.

I didn't gain any weight. I guess that is normal for this time period.

I go to weekly appts now.

Now is when the patience comes. It reminds me again of this...

This may sound silly - because who really thinks I have control over how this happens....but I was at a point where I really wanted to force the issue...I wanted to be induced at the earliest sign that my Doctor was ok with it. I figured the insurance issues and all that would be a nightmare.

Then I reached a point of calmness. And after today's appointment I feel better about it all. I will not induce unless necessary (you can ask me again at 40 weeks - I may have a different point of view and I am ok with that). I want to wait until Z is ready. She will be here soon. And, then we are on to a different world.

Yeah!

2008-12-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

My mom is coming home tonight.

It took them a few days to get her CO2 levels down and her Oxygen levels to where they needed them to do a stress test.

They did the Non-Stress Stress test today and gave her the all clear on her heart.

She has/had pneumonia and it has been causing so much stress on her lungs/heart that it really weakened her.
She is feeling much better. Looking better too.

Thanks for all the prayers!

36 Week Belly Pic

2008-12-10T05:12:00.001-08:00

My Mom

2008-12-09T03:53:00.000-08:00

Here is a part of the shower story that I didn't tell because...I don't know...maybe I was in denial or something.
At my shower my mother was feeling awful. I sort of didn't know what to do because I know if it wasn't my shower she wouldn't have been away from home.

My mom has been on oxygen for about a year now. She had a really bad time in the hospital last year with pneumonia and COPD. She has good days and bad. Her oxygen tank on Saturday was really low and we ended up having to call the company that delivers them. Luckily they were able to make it before the people started to arrive, but it was scary and she was worried we would have to call 911.

It was obvious she was not feeling well. I did't know what to do. Having a house full of people doesn't bode well for taking care of a sick momma.

I am very close with my mom. I am her baby girl (actually youngest of all) and we have done some wonderful things throughout my life. She is my biggest fan and I have always been amazed at her strength and warmth. She birthed nine children (with five miscarriages in between) and built a home that was an awesome environment for a child to grow up in.
Here is a pic of me and my Mom from back in my college days...

So yesterday when I stopped by for lunch she wasn't feeling up to walking into the kitchen to chat. I helped her pick out some clothes and brush her hair so she could go to the doctor when my dad got back from an errand.

Last night my dad called and said that they ended up putting her in the hospital. They say it is congestive heart failure and that she probably had a heart attack. I will know more later. I am going to visit her at lunch.

Right now I just hope they are making her comfortable and figuring out what the best thing to do to make her feel better is. I hate it when she feels so bad. I feel so out of control. I can't think of all of the possibilities. There is no life without my mom. And, little Z has to know her Nana well and have lots of wonderful years of playing with Nana's dolls and having Nana come to her dance recital or soccer game or whatever she chooses to take part in.

All prayers are welcome...

December Showers bring Poinsettias?

2008-12-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

OK I know the title isn't that witty....

Saturday was my family and friends baby shower. As I posted on Saturday before everyone came, it was at my house and it was snowing!

A few people couldn't make it because of the weather, but there were just enough people there so that no one had to sit on the floor and everyone could fit around the living room for games!

It was a little stressful having it at my house, and I think had I to do over again I wouldn't have chosen that, but it was a great time!

The cake was VERY yummy. DH just threw the last few pieces out yesterday because it is too much of a temptation with Gestational Diabetes! It was simple enough - white cake/butter cream icing from Meijer (had a stork on it), but darn that was good!

The games were actually pretty fun. My sister Lisa (the one that came back from Iraq) is always good for keeping people laughing! If she wasn't here something would have been missing! LOL

The gifts were bright and fun!

Some notable items of the day...the hooter hider! I especially tried to make sure my mom saw this, because she and I had this long discussion about whether breastfeeding in public was acceptable. My mom is a prude. She doesn't even kiss my dad with an open mouth, and they have been married for almost 47 years! And while I don't think breastfeeding is anything to be prudish about, I think it is funny that she has all of these notions about it. She had nine kids and didn't breastfeed a single one. She also tells me she has been watching baby delivery tv shows, but she won't watch the actual birth because she thinks it is completely inappropriate to show that sort of private thing on tv. It's a different world than where she came from...she claims it was better when everything was private and somewhat shameful (not her words). I am on the fence...I would definitely prefer not having Viagra commercials on TV.

Anyways...the hooter hider (and my big belly) from my woodsie lil sis Erika (pictures also courtesy of Erika - thanks chica!)....

The diaper bag from my brother and SIL - she let me pick out the pattern from Vera Bradley and I LOVE IT! It has little owls on it....

And the last thing to show (Although, there were many wonderful things and if you are reading this and you were here or sent something THANK YOU SO MUCH for coming and for your wonderful gifts for Z!!!!) is the dollhouse bookcase...I put it together yesterday and got pastel blue, pastel green and white bins to put in it for storage...

Pre-Shower Musings

2008-12-06T08:34:00.001-08:00

Today is my family and friends baby shower.

It started snowing around 7am and I am hoping that all who can make it arrive safely.

The house is pretty much ready. I didn't get everything on my list of 45 things done, but it is presentable. I just hope people don't go snooping through our messy master bath and all my clothes that need organizing in my closet! :)

I still need to organize little Z's room a bit so people can check it out.

We moved the dogs crate and the ferret into our room for the day.

I am on the verge of a head cold. I felt it coming yesterday. Now I am all snotty and my head is a bit full. All the dusting and sweeping and de-hairing of carpets and upholstery didn't help. Having three cats, two double-coated dogs and a ferret makes for a tremendous amount of hair. Perhaps we should have put a warning for any allergic people to take their meds before they enter, because there is no way we would ever be able to get it all up.

My mom, sister and BFF are coming early to help decorate and set up the cake and stuff.

I have to give myself insulin injections after dinner because my sugars are not lowering after that meal as they do on others. I am sure I probably eat more then too, and I could limit my carb intake through that, but I am usually more hungry then so we decided to go with the injections. It seems to be going ok.

My latest fear is that my water will break and I won't know. It is hard for me to tell - because I don't know what is normal stuff and what is not normal. So now I am just waiting for something that seems completely out of the ordinary until my next OB appointment on Friday. It is my 36 week appt and I will have an ultrasound and a cervical check. My fear is that what if what I think is normal is not and then I get an infection or something. I just don't want to be one of those hypochondriac preggers that think something is wrong when it isn't. I know it is better to err on the side of caution, but then how do I know I am not over thinking it in the first place.

I had my breastfeeding class this past Wednesday. I think I can do it. I know I need to build up more confidence before she comes so that I am 110 percent ready for it. I hope my PCOS doesn't get in the way, and I hope going back to work doesn't become too great of a challenge. I think the benefits outweigh the obstacles, but I am a little concerned that it will be too much for me.

This next Wednesday we have our last of all the classes.
And then the week after that we will be full term.

I walk around knowing I am on the verge of a watershed moment in my life. Once the labor begins I will not be the same person. My life will never be the same.

How extraordinary.

"And how!" as Dorothy Gale would say....

Post Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was almost like a goofy movie! Fire in the oven, pies flying across the room...I mean...Really! It was hilarious. Sometimes you gotta laugh - you would cry your eyes out if you didn't.

My tree is up! The rest of my decorations are out (the little that there are - almost all center around Rudolph - I am obsessed)!

I went to my GestDiabetes class last week. It really wasn't anything new for me except going over how many carbs I was allowed throughout the day and when/how to check my sugars. I did that class with the nutritionist last year for PCOS/Insulin Resistance, and it is only a slight modification (a simpler process than the one my RE gave me).

My sugar levels seem all over the place. If I had already gone to the endocrinologist I would have had to send them my numbers (I was told if I was over a certain number for two days in a row I was to contact the doctor). I do have at least one level to blame on Thanksgiving stuffing. Another to blame on disgusting fast food when we were running from work to our expectant parent class. (It was the grossest meal I have had in a long time!) I really hope they don't make me take insulin. They should be calling to schedule my appointment tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go for my 34 week appt (although I am almost 35 weeks - the holiday got me all off schedule). I was thinking about checking with my doctor about the back pain. Tylenol is not going to help this type of pain. Some days I can barely walk. I am not sure what to do. How do I work out to get my sugar levels down if I can't transfer my weight to one of my legs without writhing in agony?

I have been riding an emotional roller coaster, and DH is riding right beside me. I feel bad for him. Saturday I simply passed the time. I had no urge to do anything at all - just felt so blah. I watched cheesy christmas movie after cheesy christmas movie. I should have been cleaning my house in preparation for my shower next Saturday. I do better at that stuff at the last minute, when there is no option to go sit down for a break.

Alien squirmer is extremely active at various times throughout the day. She is just as cute as possible, and I really wish she were sitting on my lap rather than inside it.

New Name Ideas

2008-11-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

I am in the brainstorming period of creating a new blog. I never liked the name of this blog too much - felt like it didn't reflect all of me - and isn't as quirky as intended.

Anyways, with the kidlet on the verge of emerging, I think it will soon be time to move on to a different blog. The new one is not about the family - because it is mostly about me - of course it will be about my journey into motherhood with little Z, but it will also be about love (wonderful DH - indirectly), providence, work, and just about everything encompasses me. (Egotistical - right??) I guess what I mean is it isn't like it will be 'The Kyle Family' blog (although it will include fun facts about the kyle family).

If/when we decided to have another child and we have issues (highly likely) - this blog will still live on...

So for now I am building lists of possible names. I want to carefully select this one, rather than 'getting it over with' because I am afraid I will chicken out like I did before. I will not make the switch until little Z sleeps, eats and poops safely at home.
I am also thinking about switching to wordpress. Any suggestions regarding pros/cons of blogger to wordpress?

Insurance

2008-11-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in such a bad mood. Nothing that bad went on, yet I was very irritable. I know I was a down right baby at times.

One thing that happened though really has me worried.
DH told me his company is switching insurance carriers on Jan 1st. I guess they switch plans every year, but the plans with the same carrier didn't seem to vary too much. This year, though, they happen to have switched the entire carrier.

I am not really sure where to go from here on this. I am due January 6th/9th.
We have been paying a monthly payment in estimation of what our entire maternity cost will be for our current plan. Now that seems to go out the window.

A 38th week induction is starting to sound very convenient. If I knew little Z would be ok, I would totally go for it.

I have switched insurance plans four times in the past three years. Every time it is a nightmare getting them all of the paperwork. I am sure I won't want to deal with it when I am taking care of a newborn and recovering from giving birth.

Plus, the last I heard, the new plan is with the carrier that is having issues with the hospital I am delivering at. If those issues are not resolved and they are no longer a preferred provider I may have to switch everything around. I think (pray,hope) they will (damn well better) resolve it. Ugh.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am thankful to have insurance. Our current plan was wonderful - they covered most of our fertility costs. It was a blessing while we had it. And the other plan is just as good (yet, I doubt it has the fertility treatments) and I am blessed to have health insurance in the first place. (although people who don't have insurance sometimes don't realize what we are paying for this stuff...160+ bucks every pay period...not cheap...)

I just needed to vent.

A bad day

2008-11-19T05:07:00.001-08:00

I promise I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I promise I know how lucky we are that little Z is coming.

But, damnit if my back didn't hurt like a mutha yesterday.
I could hardly walk because at times I couldn't put pressure on one of my feet.

We went to the gymn in the morning and I walked on the treadmill for about 18 minutes. Then I walked over to the grocery and picked up items for the week. I think all of that excercise is what wore my back out for the day. Shopping alone usually makes me ache for the rest of the day.

I say 'all of that excercise' like I was running a marathon or something. I don't know if I can keep going to the gym regularly if it makes me an invalid for the rest of the day. Perhaps I should walk on the treadmill in the evening instead.

I have known for a while that my back is on it's way to an early retirement. At thirty years old I shouldn't have these pains. I know it is because of the 15 years I spent as a child in dance and gymnastics (especially all of that tumbling on concrete and high school gymnasiums without a mat).

Anyways, have a great day all!

Gestational Diabetes

2008-11-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

I failed the 3 hour Glucose test.
I guess I failed two of the drawings. Neither of my failures were extreme, but just enough to tip the balance.

What does that mean?
Well, today my doctor said I have only gained 16 pounds. I think I might have said 18 before, but now that I look at it, he is right. So most likely I am doing fine and it won't be a huge deal. I really think all of the weight I have gained is baby weight - if anything I feel smaller in my face and arms and legs.

I have to go see an endocrinologist. The nurses are supposed to call to set up an appointment. I will know more then. I am guessing I will have to start monitoring my sugar and go back to my old PCOS diet, stick to sugar free or low sugar items and unfortunately no more potatoes. :(

I get to have an ultrasound at my 36 week appt to check out her size instead of just belly measurements. She will probably NOT be small, but I don't think she will be gigantic. The doctor keeps saying that GD babies tend to have big trunks...I don't quite know how to imagine that, but we will see. If she does get too big I will have a C-Section. I don't mind having a c-section. All I want is to have a safe and healthy delivery of our little girl.

I think I have started to feel emphathetic clausterphobia, if there is such a thing. I can't imagine her being crammed in my belly.

My work baby shower was yesterday and it was great! I will post on that this weekend.

I ordered our car seat today. I decided at the last minute that I was not going to use the travel system I had originally registered for because:
1. I really wanted a Chi.cco car seat, and I couldn't imagine paying over 300 bucks for the travel system.
2. I didn't really like it that much. I loved the pack n play that was part of the set, but I just registered for that travel system because it was easier, and how silly is that.

I picked up a bab.y tr.end sna.p n go stroller to go with the car seat. I know those are not listed as ones that are compatible, but everything I read from other users said they were able to make it fit. I found it on craigslist and got it for 20 bucks. It is well worth it if it works. If not, we will find something else.

Homecoming

2008-11-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

This post has nothing to do with infertility or my pregnancy.
Yet, this is a very important post to me.

My sister is home.

She has been gone since January 3rd.

She has been in Iraq, serving our country.

She has a loving husband and two teenage daughters that have missed her drastically.

She won't be home-home until the end of the month.
Here are some photos of the homecoming.

My two beautiful nieces....

With anticipation....

Not enough words in our vocabulary....

All smiles...

Doing her duty (she is a PA officer)...

A slight pause...

First Class

2008-11-06T04:51:00.000-08:00

We had our first expectant parents class last night.
It was good to go over all of the stages of delivery. Even talking about pregnancy stuff was good because the doctor's visits seem so brief. My doctor is VERY soft spoken and gentle (which I hope comes in handy some day), but it leaves room for information that I substitiute Dr Google for and never feel secure.

The movie wasn't that bad. We have three more weeks of that class and then a class on breastfeeding and a class on Newborn care. I hope we make it to the last of those classes. At that point I will be 36 weeks...and it will be the week after my Family Baby shower. If she comes before that I will 1. have to go to a different hospital (I learned that at the class) 2. NOT be ready.

Next week we tour the facility and learn ways to manage pain. (I am really trying to just not think about the pain. I figure it will be bad, it will not last more than a day or so, and then we will have a gift.)

We are 31 weeks. I have decided to forget about which day of the week we 'turn' that week, because it was originally a Tuesday, but then changed to a Friday, so around Tuesday I say we are in the next week.

It all seems a little trivial at this point....she could come at 37 weeks she could come at 38 weeks, and whenever she comes she is here...I just hope it is after 36 weeks...(I feel like I should be singing 'She'll be coming around the mountain')

On election night it was more interesting to watch my belly than the TV at first...she was squirming so much I felt like I was in an alien movie.

DH is adorable...he keeps saying 'I just wish she was here right now....'

Held in Providence

2008-11-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

This weekend I will be going through a commitment ceremony to become a Providence Associate. I have been thinking about how Providence moves in my life

I sent this in an email to a friend/mentor this morning...this is my reflection so far...on where I am and how Providence guides me...

Once my cardinal direction was settled (marriage/secular life) I definitely became more grounded. The journey is always enlightening, but to me a lot of times it was a struggle - the unknown/fear. Not that everything is known now, nor that things do not change, but for now I don't have to make those decisions.

Of course other decisions/issues arise. I do feel like I was prepared for them. Struggling with infertility was not going to shake my core, threaten my complete stability...at least not so much that I would end up in a hospital. I may end up at a therapist, but I think that is a good/normal thing.

Infertility - it is hard to explain...when you spent ten years trying to improve your self image, it doesn't help when your own body is working against you to achieve a goal...the feelings of guilt and worry...but I do feel like the whole time I managed to keep my head above water. I do feel like I was more positive about how things would end up than negative. I wanted to try and get around it with the least amount of 'displacement'... that doesn't mean it wasn't tough. I can see how many marriages are tested with infertlilty...it is hard for two people to keep hope at the same level and focus and direction without surrendering...

And to lose a child...to experience that...it wasn't easy...even more of a toll on your self esteem. You can get pregnant, sure, but you just aren't fit to carry it - other people do it all the time, but your body can't provide more than a few weeks of shelter...and then the idea of what that means, and how to place it in your life. Was that a baby? Was it just some hormones? How do you process it, giving the emphasis that you need without being swallowed?

So when we finally came to the point that we were going to use medications, the first week of the treatment I was at the woods. I think that has a big part of how we got to where we are today. I was at that retreat, and I wasn't ignoring the issue, but I was also preparing/centering for what was to come. I went to every shrine and prayed and lit candles. I didn't have control, but I wanted to make sure I got as many entities aware and rooting for us.

And then we did concieve. And there was the ordeal of having odd numbers. The faith that I had to have to make my doctor wait before she forced me to terminate when she thought it was ectopic...because that wasn't how I felt...because I felt like this baby deserved a little more time to wait and see.

I haven't been able to enjoy the pregancy like most women...I have fought the urge of being succumbed by fears, waiting for the other shoe to drop...being aware and doing the best that I personally can to make everything ok, but still knowing that it is not in my control...

And then she was/is growing strong inside me...she is kicking and nudging my insides..and I have been blessed...our prayers were answered...but life always has strange ways

Because then Sue died. And the mixture of new life and stinging death has surrounded me...I woke up the other morning with the smell of Sue's perfume in my nose...and the memory of the scent lingered day long...I have dreams about once a week where she visits and it is comforting and saddening at the same time...

And as the time of Z's birth gets closer, I feel more confidence, but not complete...there is fear...

And during all of this I am held in Providence...there is trust...

Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Daylight Savings Time

2008-11-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

I awoke at 3:30am. I knew I wouldn't be easy for me to go back to sleep so I came downstairs to watch TV until I felt sleep again.

Little did I know that it was not 3:30 am.

So here I am sitting up from 2:30am to 4am.

I swear it is 5! 5 is not so bad!

My extra hour of sleep would normally be welcome (sans pregnancy). These days though I can't stay awake past 9pm, and I always wake up early (not quite so early as 3:30 everyday).

Two years ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but then Indiana lawmakers decided it was time for the Hoosiers to join the rest of the country (except Arizona) and roll back/spring forward our clocks. Perhaps if I had lived with this clock rolling/springing process my whole life it would be easier. Ugh.

OK. I am going back to sleep now.

1 Hour GTT

2008-11-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that I failed my one hour glucose test. Darn. I really thought that I might be able to get around all that sugar watching crap. And, I definitely didn't want to have to sit through the three hour test.

My score was 150.

Those nurses will NOT want to be around me by the second hour. No breakfast! All Morning! I will not be a very nice marsupial.

BTW - That is how I have felt every so often...like a kangaroo - with a Zoe ...um ...joey in my pocket...

Did you know that female marsupials have two vaginas?

Did you know that the plural of vagina is vaginae?

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Inexplicable

2008-10-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

It is hard to explain how it feels to see the face your child for the first time.
I can't wait to hold her.

Here is a close up of Z's face...I think she has my nose...

Here she is, curled up and kicking it...

And here are her big feet...I think she got these from her dad....

Happy Halloween!

Starbuck gets the joke

2008-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

When the leaves come falling down...

2008-10-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today we went to a popular state park for autumn vistas. Of course, I took the opportunity to try out the new D60.
Below is a slideshow of my favorite pictures.

The video quality doesn't do the D60 justice, so if you want to look at the pictures themselves, take a peak (actually the first two are of my doggies, but they are cute too!)...

Fall 2008

Love's Recovery

2008-10-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have had this song playing in my head for a few weeks....

It is really beautiful. It doesn't really speak about my life these days...a few quips from it are my favorite, and they will always speak to me....

'There I am in younger days, star gazing,
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be.
Not counting the unmarked paths of misperception,
my compass, faith in love's perfection,
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen....'

I have a very vivid memory that I relate to this line...It is me, walking in the mid - evening with my best friend on our beautiful college campus...It was the end of summer vacation before my junior year. I had spent a lonely hot summer living on a campus where there were perhaps 6 other students. My best friend had graduated in May and part of me was wondering what I would do with my time in the coming year. That is the me that I see in the 'There I am in younger days', but the picture perfect maps were never very clear during those years. I sometimes felt swallowed by the unknown...the possibility. I could be a nun (I was very serious, people - no joke)...I could get married (yeah right)...I could be boldly independent.

I never became a nun....as my current state shows (LOL). I never felt confident enough to take the first commited steps, and I suppose it came down to point that NOT making a decision IS making a decision.

And I did get married...once I finally understood the point...once I understood that marriage could be whatever my partner and I made it to be...and not the same old scary confinement that loomed over me during those days.

And these days I am thankful that there is not so much unknown in my life. The unknown of infertility and pregnancy is tough enough. If I was still wondering about major life directions, I would be more insecure. I try to remember everyday how blessed I am. I try not to let the unknown how little Z is and when we will go into labor and whether I will need surgery and whether she will be early. I am thankful for these worries. And there will always be whatifs in my life. I just don't worry about the past whatifs too much and try not to worry about the future ones....

'Tell all the friends
who think they're so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather'

Not that my life is static - I look forward to the changes that will occur...in my family - with little Z, with career possibilities, what new places we will live in and visit, there are so many opportunities again - and I do make a choice every day to be married - it's not perfect - but it is beautiful, and I am able to grasp my strength and not let unknowns cause insecurities...

The arrival...of the D60 that is....

2008-10-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

My new toy was delivered tonight. Thankfully it is in tact and I have been playing around with it. I say 'thankfully' primarily because the UPS person left it with my neighbor without my consent. I am not surprised, because she works for UPS, so she probably told them that I would be ok with it. It sort of bothers me, because it looked like someone tried to cut the tape on the sides of the box to get a peek at what was inside. A lot of nerve...eh? I suppose I have a case for a complaint to UPS, but I really don't want to bother with it. All is well that ends well, as I have my new camera and it is intact. I want to believe that her intent was to be helpful because she knows I work a ways away. I just wish she would have asked me this evening and then offered to have them drop it there tomorrow. OK. Moving on...

I have had a chance to play around with it.
Here are some pictures for your delight. I have a lot to learn about all of the settings, but just playing around with it is fun too.

Starbuck....

Gus....

Grace...

The Big Belly...

OK - No more whining

2008-10-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the whiney post. I know those days just come and go.

I went to my Terre Haute for a play last night. It was a nice rendition of a play they did when I was there (I Sleep but My Heart Watches). It was about the life of the foundress of my college, Saint Mother Theodore Guerin (the eighth Catholic Saint from North America). I wasn't exactly in it when they did it because I went to Italy for MTGs Beatificaion the week before, so I was supposed to sing a solo at the end. Then a very close person to me died the day of the dress rehearsal so I ended up not being in it at all. Needless to say, it was a very hard time for me.
And this year they put the production together at the last minute in honor of Sister Sue. I made it a point to be there in homage to Sue and Mother Theodore and the wonderous place that is Saint Mary-of-the-Woods.
I am glad I went, even though it meant staying up way later than I have been able to these days. The play started when I am usually falling asleep. I got home at 11:30pm, but I wasn't too exhausted.

In other news, I made a big purchase today that is related to our little Z. I ordered my first DSLR camera. I went with the Nik.on D60. I can't wait to start learning how to use it. I talked DH into getting it now so I would have plenty of time to understand all the bells and whistles before little Z gets here. I am just so excited. :) It is something I have been dreaming about for a while...I took some photography classes a few years back and since my current camera will cost 200+ to fix, I figured now was the time.

I ask for Providence to smile upon me...

2008-10-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Today was my 28 week appt. I got a Rhogam shot and had my normal (non-PCOS early) 1hr Glucose test. I had a little food before I went in because they said I could at my last appointment. Also, I had around three sips of coffee. All of the sudden the sips of cream and sweetener with my coffee was going to completely mess up my test. I knew it was ridiculous because I barely drank any of it, and my emotions just about tipped over so they went ahead and did the test.
It put me in an unsettled mood for the rest of the appointment. I was on the verge of tears over nothing and I couldn't help it. I realize now that I have been like that for a few weeks. This past Saturday I had coffee with a mentor from college and the whole time I felt like I was just shy of tears. Some of it was natural - grieving, etc, but other teetering moments I think were directly related to hormones and the unknown.
So back to my appt. Not much else happened. You know, I am astonished at how little they actually do at these appointments. I mean is it worth it really? I could get a dopler and listen to the heartbeat. I could track my weight gain and check my blood pressure. I sort of feel lost when I go there, like I am supposed to learn more, that there is more to it, but there isn't. I just go and they check my blood pressure and they check my weight and they listen to Z's heartbeat. I am thankful for listening to Z's heartbeat (it was 140) but these things don't calm any of my fears.

I do suppose my next visit (in two weeks - now that I am in the seventh month) will give me more to either worry or feel better about - since we have the 3D/4D ultrasound.

Nothing will calm my fears until she is sleeping beside me or crying because she wants to be fed. And even then my fears will be different - the ones I don't speak of here - the ones about what I will do wrong...

I do not mean to sound so disappointed and definitely not ungrateful. I am thankful that Z's heartbeat was nice and strong. I am thankful that the little frog is jumping inside me everyday and jabbing my belly out. I think these next 12 weeks are going to fly by. I do feel it already happening.

I have my registry set up. I chose only tar.get, because it was just too much work to keep track of what was where with the big baby super store, and I completely dislike wal.mart.

I have a work baby shower Nov 13th.
My family and friends will be having one on Dec 6th. Seeing that it is October 17th - that DOES NOT seem like too far away. It is almost kind of scary. On the other hand - 12 weeks seems like an eternity.

And I have this crazy apprehension that no one will want to come to my shower. That no one even really wants to throw me a shower. That it is all a pain that I am forcing people to endure. I know it is silly - because everyone that comes will be great and it won't matter how many people are there - and people do want to come and celebrate little Z.

I think it all ties into the closeness of those tears. My insecure self is shining through - the one who always fears that no one will like her or that everyone who she thought cared really was just pretending and laughing at her behind her back. It sucks. I know I will manage - and if it gets too tough I will set an appointment with my therapist.

'My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage,
my greatest hope, greatest cause to grieve,
and my heart flew from its cage, and it bled upon my sleeve...'
-Indigo Girls

Just add baby (oh and clothes and wipes and all the other stuff babies need)

2008-10-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

I have been somewhat obsessing about the nursery these past few weeks. I think it has given me a way to pass the time.

So I have lots of pictures to show today. They are kind of dark, because it wasn't the best light and my camera flash isn't working. Still, I think you get the idea.

Here is the mural that my mom and I worked on...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I really like the way it turned out. My mom's flowers and butterfly are really cute. I drew the bumblebee and the sun and stenciled in the words. The quote is from a Beth Orton song if you are not familiar, 'Live as you Dream'.

The crib and it's canopy...

From Un-Simple Procreation

It took a few attempts to figure out how to get the canopy to stay up. I ended up putting a dry through anchor into the ceiling and attaching a metal loop thingy (my extensive hardware knowledge is evident) to it. Then I used picture wire to attach it to the loop. I know we will have to move it when she gets big enough to try and rip it down. I guess I will hang something else up there then.

Some cherries on the wall...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I know they don't look the greatest, but it was a tribute to Mary Engelbreit. LOL

A little mural I did on another wall...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I found this quote in a ME book and I thought it was appropriate. I really like the way it turned out. My picture is not what ME's was about, but I like the little bird and the nest. :)

The queen bed and wall decor...

From Un-Simple Procreation

DH got Zoe a parasol at a festival we went to, so I put it up on the wall. You can see some of the ME posters we got too.

A view from the corner with the glider and window...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I think the glider fits right in.

View from the window of the dresser and wall decor...

From Un-Simple Procreation

Those are four ME prints that my mom painted the frames for, among other things.

Close up of dresser/changing table...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I will have to see how the changing pad fits on it, but I think the color is cute as a button.

Birdhouse shelf...

From Un-Simple Procreation

I got all of these birdhouses at craft stores and my mom painted them. Aren't they adorable?!

A marionette...

From Un-Simple Procreation

A ladybug and flower...

From Un-Simple Procreation

It was hard to get a good picture because there isn't a lot of light in that corner.

Name on wall....

From Un-Simple Procreation

My mom painted these letters. :)

And last but not least, the ceiling...

From Un-Simple Procreation

Do you see the whale? The bunny rabbit? :)

DH is really liking the nursery. He says he wants to take over the room himself. He said I need to move on to our room (although I can't seem to get him to understand that our room is decorated - but we are adults so it isn't nearly as fun! He wants a Star Wars theme. lol)

Well that is all for now!
I have my 28 week appt this friday, then it is on to bi-monthly appointments.
In two weeks we will have the 3D/4D Ultrasound. I am anxious to see the little body that keeps kicking me and the little face....

Blue, here is a shell for you...A foggy lullaby

2008-09-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Today I helped here and there whilst the DH painted the nursery. He came through like a champ. I had borrowed a ladder from my sister, because he had to paint the ceiling. My husband is about 6'7". He just reached up and rolled it on. It always amazes me what he can do with such height...because I am 5'2".

The walls and ceiling are a robin's egg blue. I know that is not normally a color you would think of for a girl, but I was totally against painting it pink. I think assigning a color to a gender is ridiculous.
Another reason it is blue is because it is only the background. I have been a big fan of clouds (one of those girls with cloud pants, a cloud loft in college, cloud boxes, anything you can think of). So my Mom and I are going to paint clouds on the ceiling next weekend (we will DEFINITELY need the ladder LOL).

Also, my mom is really artistic, so she will be helping me to paint other odds and ends onto the walls from all of the MaryE Decorating books I checked out from the library - some flowers and quotes, maybe a tree, bumblebees, little whimsical things.

One more thing I wanted to mention that I don't think I had. This week we had a new revelation. Little Z is kicking. I think before all those movements were her hands punching, but now she is kicking high and it is visible from the outside. It was so weird! I felt my stomach lurch, and then I waited and it happened again and I watched it. It was so cool! I also got DH to be patient enough so he saw her give me a big kick. It is so funny. It must be the way I sit on the couch becuase it is always visible on the same side when I am sitting in this particular spot.

***Title is quoted from the song 'Blue' by Joni Mitchell

Glider

2008-09-27T04:50:00.001-07:00

Well, I said I couldn't wait to re-cover the glider, and I really meant it. Last night as I listened to the Presidential Debate (I still am not sure who I want to vote for) I worked on stripping the fabric off of the cushions and getting it done. It isn't the greatest job in the world, but I think it will suffice. I think it looks too cute. I bought three yards of fabric, but I could have used an extra yard. I had to strategically place ribbons in the folds underneath and in the back to make sure there was enough fabric to cover, and I had to take trimmings from one piece and sew it to another for the last cushion because there wasn't enough of the bulk left over.
Here is where I got the goods on how best to recover the cushions.
I still have to put the ribbons in the back to fasten the cushions to the chair. I think big ribboned bows will be so much cuter than velcro. And, I think I might add a few snaps on those creases with the ribbons because they are sort of puckering and I don't want the cushion in the back exposed.
I didn't actually sew at all, I used the stitch-witchery and ironed it all together. I don't own a sewing machine or I would have definitely done that. At least with the stitchwitch I could make sure it was tight and straight - something I am not great at when sewing by hand. I only took one home ec class my whole schooling. I mean really - I am SEW not a home ec queen, but I can get something done if I put my mind to it!
PS Please excuse the messy house! And the flash does not work on my camera, so when I get a better camera or a brighter environment I will take a better picture. :)

24 Week OB and 25 week Pic

2008-09-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

I normally would have posted last Friday after my 24 week OB appt, but I was in sort of a fog and I just waited.

The appointment went well. Heartbeat 150 bpm.
Woo hoo! 24 weeks! (Actually 25 now!) We are in the sixth month! yay!
I have a little creature that does flips and kicks. On Saturday I got up at 4am to go to the bathroom and she woke up. She kept on kicking me and I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried to poke her back, but I don't think she could tell. LOL

Above is a 25 week belly pic taken yesterday. I look like a troll...but it is the first and only belly pic I have managed to take, so I figured I better put it up. I have been saying I would put one up for months!

I finally decided on a theme for the nursery. She will have a little Mary Engelbreit themed room. If you don't know Mary E, check out her website at Maryengelbreit.com. My Mom is going to come up in a few weeks and we will do some painting for the room. Not actually painting the room, I think I will make the DH and my brother do that, but we will be painting some accents. I am really excited about the room. I think it will be adorable. I ordered some ME prints, posters and fabric. A friend is making a quilt and bumpers. If I hadn't mentioned before, we got our crib at ikea, and it is royal blue. I bought a nice old dresser at our community garage sale a few weekends ago and last weekend we painted it a kermit the frog green. I am turning it into a changing station. I also got a glider for the baby's room for 25 bucks. I can't wait to get it recovered and get all the furniture and painting and fun stuff into the room.

I think my shower will be in November. Probably after thanksgiving. We are most likely going to have it right here at our house. It is a good central location and it means we won't have to move stuff back to the house. I will have to have help doing a deep cleaning beforehand - two long-haired dogs and three cats ensures that there is always a need for a deep cleaning prior to guests.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but since the beginning of the pregnancy I have developed allergies. Have any of you had a similar experience? I never had allergies before, they moved in to my nose somewhere around the time that the baby moved into the Ut. Now I sneeze several times every day. (Interesting feeling my body change its reaction to sneezing - from a deep diaphramic sneeze to everything occuring above my belly). This whole thing doesn't help my weak bladder. I don't think I should be needing Depends by six months, sheesh! Do you think they will go away when I have the kid? Or am I stuck with these sneezes for teh rest of my life? Oh brother!

That is about all I can think of today. I hope you all have a great day!

Sue

2008-09-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend something changed in the world, something changed in how I see the future, and how I treasure the past.

My dear friend and mentor lost a brief battle with cancer.

It is hard for me to give you a description of this women, both for my lack of brilliance and her indescribableness.

Imagine the strongest and biggest tree in the forest, providing shelter to so many creatures.

Consider the most beautiful field of flowers, no that isn't quite right, because she wold be the one knowing the beauty of specific seeds, providing the field to spread the seeds, fertilizing the ground to promote growth...watering, cultivating....creating the beautiful field of flowers.

She is the one that helped you to figure out how to grow, the one that saw what you could become, and then marveled as it happened.

Sister Sue Pietrus left our world suddenly this past weekend. She was the chorale and madrigal director at St. Mary-of-the-Woods College, among many other things.

I went to the Woods for an education and I found a family. She kept me on my toes and always made sure I knew I was loved.

It will take some time for me to believe there is a future without her. You see, she was supposed to meet my little girl next year. And I do not think I will ever be able to do her justice. Little Z needs to know what Sue was like, because she should want to be like her.

I always did.

I always wanted to be like her and I wanted to make her proud.

UPDATED
A beautiful description of Sue written by her best friend - Sister Dawn, and read at the vigil service this past week....

The Kyle Story

2008-08-27T06:50:00.001-07:00

IT'S A GIRL!

2008-08-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today was our big U/S.
All was well. Everything looked good and the heartbeat is strong. The only thing they were not able to assess was HER lips (full assessment for cleft palate, etc). For some reason that has been one of my irrational fears for a few months now. It isn't in my family or my husband's. And it is something that is easily corrected too, so I am just going to lay off the worry for a bit. I dreaded going in and finding out something horrible today.

It was wonderful. As the title suggests, it is a girl. We are fairly certain on names, but I am waiting to confirm because at least now that we know the gender my husband won't get annoyed at my endless discussion of names.

My husband was so cute. He had been kind of thinking about a boy. We both, of course, just wanted a healthy baby, but I think it is only natural to think of your first child as your own gender. I told him he could take the little girl fishing and teach her math and science all he wants. He said as we walked away - "You know they alway say 'Daddy's Little Girl' and 'Momma's Boy' so I think I just might get the better end of this deal." :)

We are thrilled. Healthy baby, 20 weeks, half way there! The time has NOT flown for me. Maybe it will from now on, but every week has seemed slow. I will take a belly pick this weekend.

TTFN!

peace for a few weeks..and the great doggie lockdown

2008-07-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

The doctors appt went well. My husband went with me.
I gained three pounds, that makes five total. The doctor was very happy with that number so far.
My blood pressure was good.
He found a good strong heartbeat (156 - 158) very easily with the doppler.

I will sleep a little more peaceful for at least a few more weeks.
Our next appointment and the big ultrasound is August 22nd.

This morning I went to take the dogs to get groomed. I realized I needed to move the car behind my car. I put the dogs in the car and ran into the house to ask my sister to move the car. When I went back out to the car the dogs had jumped to the front passenger seat where I had put the keys. One of them inadvertantly stepped on the remote lock clicker on the seat.
Ugh. What a way to start the morning!
I searched around for the extra keys, but unfortunately we could not find them (my husband never put his copy on his keychain).

We called a locksmith ASAP. It was 9:15am. They said it would be 20 to 30 minutes. After 15 minutes they had text messaged me saying there was a locksmith assigned. I waited patiently until after 10am. When they did not show up, I called the company again. They said the locksmith was on his way and would be calling me shortly. I waited 10 minutes, then called again. This time they actually got the locksmith to call me. He was over 45 minutes away (he seemed to think it would only take 25 minutes from an area I know is much farther) and he did not have the correct address. Nor did he seem to be able to take directions, he just wanted the address to put into a GPS. Our address is in a newer subdivision and cannot be found on GPS systems usually.
I was getting very, very frustrated at this time. I called to talk to the manager of the company because I wanted to know why it was taking over an hour and 15 minutes to get to our house and why they waited 45 minutes before even calling a locksmith.
I was so worried about the dogs. We thought we would have to break a window if they weren't there very soon. The car was in the garage, so it wasn't in direct sun, but it was getting pretty hot.
As I proceeded to call the manager back one more time I heard my husband yell from the garage.
We had been trying to get the dogs to step on the clicker again. They finally did, and luckily he was right there to open the door.
Needless to say, we made two duplicate keys today.

I can't believe July is almost over!
Happy second half of the summer everyone!
Thanks for all your well wishes.

lack there of

2008-07-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know they say the second trimester is the the honeymoon time of pregnancy. I know that it isn't a big deal to loose some symptoms.
That is what they say....
I know that symptoms or the lack there of is normal for 16 weeks.
But I still worry.
My lower belly has expanded a little bit, but not too much. I have a lot of belly there already, so it isn't noticeable.

I still get up a few times a night to pee and sleeping on my stomach is not really an option - because I feel the little bubble there - but I don't really feel like much is going on.
I have no bleeding. I have no cramping.

I worry...worry...worry.
I have a dr appt on friday. I wish it was friday.
No help from the doppler yet...of course it isn't a good one that should work....

If I lay a certain way on my back I can feel the tightness in a certain spot...ugh this waiting is hard. I don't mean to complain, I just always fear the worst.
I worry about making it to term. I worry about having a healthy baby if we do make it to term.

I just needed to let it out.

Wordle - thanks Farah!

2008-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Lullabies

2008-07-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

I am a singer.
I don't do it publicly these days as much as I have in the past. Still, I cannot deny an essential part of my being.

My parents tell me that when I was three they could use the record player as a babysitter if they wanted to. I would listen to my Annie LP over and over again.

When I was five I started voice lessons. I was carted to various talent shows and performed in front of hundreds and sometimes thousands of people. If there was a festival, a school music program, a county fair - I was there in my latest dress siging 'Tommorow', 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', some Cabbage Patch song, or the latest song appropriate for a child

As I got older, I still performed in competitions. I also sang on an album recorded in Nashville, Tennessee.
I know there was a path I could have taken. My life would have been extremely different. I applied to Belmont University thinking about majoring in Music Business.

I ended up not doing that. I choose to study math at a small private college closer to home. I specifically didn't choose music becuase I wanted to make sure that what I was doing was for myself and not becuase it was what I had always done.

By my sophomore year in college I added a double major in Music. The whole experience with music in college was broadening and wonderful. I felt like I grew as a musician ten fold.

Once I graduated - I didn't see much opportunity to use music and make a living. I spend my days in an office - using the problem solving and critical thinking skills that I developed during all those math and liberal arts courses. I love my job, but I do miss music.

I know there are ways to supplement my needs. I was in a rock band for a few years with my sister. That was awesome, but time consuming. Once I got married I couldn't see playing gigs at bars every weekend.

I know I need to sing at church. I love singing at church. It is a time when I feel like 'this is what I am supposed to be doing - what I was made for' feeling. The catholic liturgy is beautiful, and when I am at church and not involved with the music I feel sort of like I am undercover. I am supposed to be leading the others from the choir loft or the cantor stand...not from the back pew.

I will be taking action on the church issues. I know that. We have been sort of wandering in search of our own parish for a while. We thought we found one, and my husband went through RCIA there, but now the priest we got to know has been moved to another parish and he mentioned to us that a different parish is building a brand new church five minutes from our house. The parish we have been attending is over thirty minutes from our house - which is fine, but closer is more convenient (especially with gas prices so high) and seems like we would be more apt to take part in more activities (such as the choir).

So what is the point with all this and how does it relate to our current state of infertility/fertility/pregnancy?

Lullabies.
I can't wait to sing with my child. To sing my child to sleep. To hold the baby close and find out the songs it likes the most.

I wonder at what point in this pregnancy will the baby start to recognize when I am signing in the car. I hope it is soothing to the baby.

I know I said a lot for a very small point. I just felt like expressing - so please excuse the long-winded post.
Have a great day.

Turpentine

2008-07-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

"Turpentine"
Brandi Carlile

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

Out is Through

2008-07-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

"Out Is Through"

Alanis Morrissette

Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time that I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked on towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stale mate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately

the longest twenty minutes

2008-07-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

I had my second OB check up today. I went to a different office than last time because I wanted to come this week and tomorrow is a holiday and he is always at the other office on Thursdays.

I think I would have felt a little more comfortable if I knew the nurses (not that I know the ones at his office too well yet...oh how I miss my wonderful nurses at the RE - they knew me by name and we discussed recipes while doing ultrasounds.

I gained only two lbs. My blood pressure is good.
These are good signs.

Then he brought out the doppler. This is what I have been waiting for.
He tried to find a heartbeat. It was not happening. I started getting nervous. Clumsy me...I pulled up my pants with the gel still all over my belly. I was a little embarassed, but mostly frightened more than I could imagine.

He told me that he could tell it was definitely larger, but that he couldn't find the heartbeat. He said not to worry (as if), it is sometimes hard to hear until week 16 or 18.

He scooted me off to the ultrasound room where a nurse got the machine ready and handed me the traditional piece of sheet. All of this was old hat to me, but of course, she had no idea.

I then removed my bottoms and waited. In my attempt to remain calm I whispered 'Hail Mary's' and tried to telepathically will the door open and the doctor to come in. It was my worst nightmare becoming a reality. I watched as the minutes and seconds moved on the empty ultrasound camara peering at me like a black hole in the sky.
I at once loved and hated the Anne Geddes Baby on the wall, hiding from everyone through a veil of hydrangeas and other purple flowers - like my dear subset - hiding its heart from me.

I shed a few tears, and cursed the fact that the only makeup I decided to wear this morning was mascara. I longed for DH to be there, and felt doom settle in on how I would get back home if my worst fears came to a fruition.

After the longest twenty minutes I have spent it a good deal of time, my doctor came in. He started to do the transvaginal, but decided to go on the belly.

Low and behold, the little bugger was squiggling around in there, almost swimming. He still didn't get a heartbeat, but we saw the heart beating, and the size and shape of all looked good.

Here is what we saw (at least from one angle):

It looks sort of like a little alien, doesn't it? I mean it is the cutest alien I hav ever seen, but nonetheless slightly alien. He said most of the bones are still cartilage right now, and that the bone marrow should be filling soon. That is why it looks so fuzzy.

I know this post sounds like a drama queen. I am sure I come off like a big baby myself, but I really feel like I needed to record this event. It is like being on a teeter totter some days.

Perhaps I should by that poster to remind me who is hiding behind it. Perhaps the baby didn't want me to just hear a heartbeat, it wanted to come out from hiding and show itself and that was the only way.

Thanks all, for being so supportive.

Note - Just started posting the pictures through picassa. I do not know if you can select them or not. I hope I am not showing every picture on my computer too.

Note to self - Verify that you are not making your entire picture library public.

Patience

2008-06-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Our vacation was wonderful. We go to FL every year to visit DH's great Aunt who is 92. We may not go there next year, because every year she seems to push us out of the door after three hours, and it seems like an awful lot to take an entire weeks vacation for just three hours. Perhaps we could just go for a weekend next year. Then we could spend a week doing something different than the same old same old.

Nonetheless it was a good trip. A good balance between visiting relatives and spending time alone. We did have at least one night at a little motel in St Petersburg with no inlaws or sisters and aunts to visit with. And we got plenty of time with the family too.

It has been four weeks since I saw a doctor. Four weeks since I had an ultrasound.
I have no symptoms of a M/C but I am so worried. I have my second OB appt on thursday. I can't wait, just to monitor the heartbeat.

I wanted to buy a fetal heart monitor, just to abate my fears. I did buy an inexpensive one, only to open the package and see in the box that it says it won't be useful until the third trimester.

It is always in the back of my mind that something will go wrong. I know it is because we had such a hard time getting here (not nearly as hard as some people, I know) and because the start was so rocky.

I also worry about everything that I do. I am not perfect. I know I am not the perfect vessel to carry a child. For instance, I longed for seafood on our trip to the ocean (I didn't eat the shark DH caught, but I did other food, and I know it is ok and not to overdo it - but I wanted it so much - and I probably had more in that week than normally recommended - even of the safe but low quantity fish).

If there is anything wrong with our child, I will always feel responsible. I know that things happen and that babys are born with defects all the time, and most of them are not attributable to anything directly done by the mother, but I will immediately feel responsible. I am getting the tests done to check on anything that they can these days, but I would never make a decision to terminate. I am only checking so I will be aware.

And so, I wait. I am trying to be patient.
I am thirteen weeks tomorrow. I am out of the first three months. I have no spotting, no major pains. As far as I know I have nothing to worry about, but alas, I do worry.

I never realized how long the nine months would seem. Every day, potty break, every uterus expansion. I am aware. I am probably more aware than most people are (except for us IF). I hope, I pray, and rely on faith. I say I will feel responsible, but i also try to rationalize and keep myself sane. I know that things happen that we have no control over. At times we do not even have control over thigns that people think we have control. I have no switch that just flips and poof I am pregnant so I will constantly do all things for the life growing inside of me. I thought that is the way it would be. But now I just have a switch that flipped and poof everything I do I wander if I am causing a lifelong issue.

I don't want you to think I am out partying it up all the time. I am not. At all. I am just way over thinking everything - and for the love of flowers I am worrying about every small thing.....

Anyone have a fetal monitor that they purchased and don't need for say - four months?

Anyone recommend a good fetal monitor that is under 200 bucks?

If all goes well at my appt on Thursday - I will be inclined to tell more people - friends, co-workers who are not aware.

It will change in two minutes.

2008-06-12T03:53:00.001-07:00

This u/s was taken last Friday. It was the first time DH had gone with me, and we had a really great time. You could see little arm and leg buds and the little subset was moving around a lot. It was hard to get a good steady picture, but everything looked great. The top picture shows the side view of the subset. The bottom one shows a top or bottom view (not sure), with a good strong heartbeat.

Little subset is 10 weeks this week. It is officially a fetus.

Sadly, this is the last u/s I will have for quite a while. It feels sort of wierd to not go see my RE for a long time (years or maybe never). I will miss WN1. I didn't get to see her for the last two times. I will have to stop by early next year, if all goes well.
I am really just trying to relax and stop worrying that everything will come crumbing down. I have no m/c symptoms. All of the u/s have shown a healthy heartbeat and accurate growth rates. Right now I am focusing on the first of July, when I will be approaching 14 weeks. One trimester at a time.

On a personal front, I think my progesterone levels have started to soar this week. THe only indication I have of this is that my emotions have been in upheaval the entire week. At first I could sense the bitchiness but not act on it. Now I am jumping at any opportunity before I can stop myself. And the next minute I will be in tears of frustration or sadness or worry. Nothing is wrong, work stuff is just work and not really something I care so much to cry about. My husband may just be making a joke and I take it all the wrong way.

This morning I was trying to get the scanner to work on the new vista machine and it wouldn't work. I got up at 5am and dh woke up around 545. He suggested we go to the gym and albeit did get kind of cranky trying to get me to get dressed. And this caused me to eventually just break down. Frack Vista! Wasting my time! Frack DH! Being mean to me when he gets up! AAAHHH! We worked it all out, but did not get to the gym.

He is realizing that although I am carrying this subset - it will affect him. I am really going to try to keep my emotions leveled, with the understanding that I need a little leeway because it isn't always possible.

This Saturday we are going on vacation. We are taking a road trip to Florida to visit DHs parents and great aunt and my sister and aunts. Last year when we made our annual trek I had to do a huge software deployment. That is what I do for money - I manage a software product. We got our most recent deployment out this past weekend, so I shouldn't have to worry about working at all. The deployment is why I have been so bad at posting frequency over the past few weeks.

PS - I ended up having to bring my laptop up to the office to get the scan to work....ugh. Dear HP - I most certainly do have HP Products installed on that machine - so why won't your Solution Center open????

Campfires and Beans

2008-05-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

My u/s on Friday was great. Heartbeat measured around 150 bpm. My RE seems to think everything looks pretty good. The coolest thing was that in the picture this time you can actually see a little bean. It is so cute. It makes it that much more real, you know?
This weekend we went camping at a State Park near the town where I grew up. Actually, our house burned down when I was five and we lived in the Inn at the park for a few months waiting for a rental while our new house was being built. I have never camped there before, and to be honest I haven't even gone through all of the trails.
I spent my childhood and adolescent years going to the playground, the pools and the falls there, but I rarely went on the deep trails.
We went on a walk that took us probably 3.5 to 4 miles down canyons and up the creek (which was higher than usual with all of the rain in these parts lately).
Our dogs loved it. Well, at least our Golden Retriever, Starbuck, did. He gets in water any chance he can. Gus, the miniature Aussie, was trepidatious at first, but eventually got over the fear of the water.
We had a nice night at the camp and headed to my brother's house for a race day party. We are in Indiana, so Memorial Day is almost better known for being 'Race Day' weekend rather than Memorial Day weekend. And, every year since several years before I was born my family has had a big party on the property where I grew up. My brother owns the house that was built after the fire (a log cabin in the middle of the forest) and the patio that is down there was built by my grandfather, father and uncles on the weekends they used the property for camping. That was before they decided to all move down and live there for good.
My hubbie won 40 bucks in the pool for the race. Go Scott Dixon!
I grew up in this rural setting. I miss the quiet. I miss the solitude. And I miss the inability to see neighbors until you go out of your house and walk down the road. When I was growing up I always wished I had friends next door, but now I would move to that environment in a heartbeat. (If only we could find it within driving distance of our work - oh and with high speed internet access).

Anyways, by Sunday night I was toast. I slept in the tent with the dogs while everyone else sat around the fire.
This morning I got up earlier than everyone and drove down to that same Inn that I lived in when I was five. I had the buffet breakfast and watched the birds through the window. It was lovely.

It was a good weekend.

I have my last appt with my RE on Thursday. I will be meeting with the Nurse of my OB on Friday. I hope things continue to go well.

We got the beat!

2008-05-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today was great.
I had my u/s with wonderful nurse 1. The RE was not at the office today. At first she didn't see a heartbeat, but she saw definite growth patterns and a fetal pole. The fetal pole measured six weeks 1 day, and the sac size was fine.

She was showing me what she was looking at, how there was development and areas she could see progressing, when all of the sudden she found the heartbeat. It was about 90 bpm, which she said was fine for the size of the fetus.
When I was paying my co-pay she gave me another picture (I now have three on my refridgerator, it is nice to put them up there with all my nieces and nephews).

She made it a point to show me the difference between last week and this week. I know it is just a little dime sized blob, but ten days ago it wasn't even visable, and seven days ago it was like the size of a pea. So it was pretty impressive.

After my appt she asked me who I was going to use as an OB.
I was kind of taken back by the question, but I did give an answer. She (wonderful nurse) seemed pretty excited. I told her I was still was not ready to be overly excited. She said she would be excited for me.
As I was walking out, her excitement kind of got to me. I mean, if she is less cautious, maybe I can be too.

Wow! I am really pregnant. And the chance of miscarriage have been greatly reduced by finding that little rhythm section.
I know we aren't totally in the clear, but I do feel like letting out a big sigh of relief.

I haven't seen my RE this week at all. The last time I saw her was last friday during the great gestational sac seek and find. I wonder how she feels about the suggestions she made about giving me the methoxetrate. I hope she doesn't take it personally, because I know her heart was in the right place. I also know that the woman is very wise and she has helped me so much since I started seeing her. I wouldn't be pregnant if it weren't for her. I love her holistic approach, and the way she goes through stages of treatment to make sure we do it in the simplest means necessary.

I will see her next Friday, and I think I have another ultrasound. I am not sure how much longer they will monitor me or when I will have to go to my OB.
Thanks everyone, for your well wishes and prayers.

5118?? 37

2008-05-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

I think the nurse said 5118 for the beta. She called when I was not at my desk so I couldn't write it down. Not doubling but a good rising.
37 was the progesterone. Not bad.

A few weeks ago when the beta went down my RE told me to stop my Progesterone Suppositories. I did. I have not taken them for two weeks. I was sort of worried once I thought about that. I think low progesterone is a part of most miscarriages - well and I guess the reason PCOS people have a lot of miscarriages.

I feel a bit better knowing it is still in a normal range. I contemplated calling my doctor twice this week asking if I should start taking the suppositories (I am really not all that jazzed about that - I have to go to the bathroom enough during the evening- let alone like i did when i had the suppository.

Anyway - not much else in news.
I am just trying to focus on getting through the next hurdles. I know viability is still a concern for months and months to come....

Ultrasound tomorrow.

Viability

2008-05-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

I had my u/s this morning with WN1. She said it was definitely more defined. She thought she could see some changes within the sac and a possible start to a heart.
She did not see a definte heartbeat.

I am waiting to hear from her on what the DR says to do. I am guessing she will say to do betas on Wed and Friday and schedule another u/s for Friday. (My poor little arm veins!)

We have to keep watching until they can determine viability.

She is concerned because it is definitely smaller than a 6week sac (although the u/s machine marked it at 6weeks0days - which is what I would be today - I guess the u/s machines have a wide margin of sizes for the first 4 - 6 weeks) and with the odd numbers at the beginning it is hard to tell.

She suggested the possibility that I ovulated later on my own after the trigger and that this is actually a week behind what we would expect post trigger. It is possible. We definitely had s*x that next weekend, although not for the express purposes of procreation.

It is so hard to wander through this time of unknown. It is hard not to start getting excited and thinking of a future and where we will be in early January. Yet, I feel like if I don't wait, don't remain cautious, I will end up being crushed. I know I am strong enough to handle loss. I just wish I could be really excited....

I think of all those fertiles in the world that can just take a home test and proclain their status to the world. It seems so simple.

Of course, just recently in my family we learned the hardships of being overly optimistic with fertility. I don't want to go into details, but I think what they experienced would be harder than our potential loss. At least it is not completely out of the blue for me. It is never easy, in any case.

So that is what everyone has been complaining about

2008-05-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have to confess. The only time in my life before this pregnancy that I have felt soreness in my breasts was the first chemical pregnancy that I did, or if I over-did it on chest press exercises.
I don't know why. Maybe it is because I have gynormous breasts, perhaps they just disapate the pains. Maybe it is because of the PCOS and my irregular periods.
I never got it when people complained of sore breasts.

Now I can't run down the stairs without my breasts letting me know that they are there, and that they do not appreciate my disregard for their presence.

I just wonder why I am not one of those people who gets it every month.
Hmmm...now on to contemplate who will win the Super Bowl next year.

Double your pleasure...

2008-05-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

2718
I think that was the number for this number. I know it was greater than 2700. Seems good to me.
The phone call to my RE was wierd.
Last friday when I went for a visit everything was moved around in the waiting area, and there was even this cute little coffee table in the u/s room.
I guess they closed an office on the southside of town and moved all the people and some of the furniture to the one I visit.
There were new people there, although I didn't have to really work with them then.
Today, though, when I called to find out my numbers, I got some different nurse on the phone. I have never talked to her before. She was nice, but obviously didn't know my case. She said she read that my doctor had recommended the shot last week. I was sort of put off guard by that one, but explained to her that she did on Tuesday, but that was cancelled after my u/s on friday. That they had found a gestatioal sac and they are monitoring my betas and I have an u/s for tomorrow morning. She said -'Oh! Ok, well your number rose well! 2718 (or something like that - I cannot remember it because I was flustered from her original statements - I know it was more than 2X1313)'

She then proceeded to tell me that I should just plan on coming in for my u/s tomorrow.

Gee, thanks for the recommendation, Ms. Nurse-who-has-no-clue-what-I-have-gone-through!

You know, she really wasn't that bad. I am just kind of spoiled. The entire time I have gone to my RE I have dealt with two wonderful nurses. Lets say, Wonderful Nurse #1 (WN1) and Wonderful Nurse #2 (WN2). I think they rotate between the north and west offices. I also think I was one of the first u/s that WN2 ever did - last July when they were checking for my big bulky Poly Cystic Ovaries.

For the past two u/s WN1 has been there. During the first great sac search last Tuesday she was so sweet. She looked and looked and then DR came in and they both looked. She told me that she had never seen a sac in a beta less than 1000. Then DR told me that she had seen sacs at beta less than 50 (I really doubted this - but she was so focused on making sure I didn't loose a tube).

WN1 did my second u/s last friday. She seemed really worried that I didn't trust her judgement because of what the DR said about the sacs. I told her that everything that I read said exactly what she said - and that I was completely comfortable with her. So comfortable that we began discussing recipes during the U/S!!! lol

So, needless to say, I do not want some random nurses jumping in on my bidness. I like my WN1 and WN2. They suit me just fine. They remember what has been going on, and they don't mistakenly tell me that my Dr wants me to take baby zapping medication when not necessary.

Found

2008-05-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

No signs of ectopic in u/s today.
Beta 1313
Sac found in correct location of the uterus.
Another round of beta's and u/s scheduled for next week.
Oh, and RE says it is definitely not a pseudosac. And, she said she was happily eating her advice from Tuesday.

Thank you all for being so supportive. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

unfound

2008-05-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

I awoke crying this morning. I am not crying for myself. I know eventually things will work out. I just feel so sorry for the little one. It really tried. It did the best it could. And now, if we can't see it by Friday it will not live anymore.

What could this child have grown to become? Perhaps a nobel prize winning physist - solving the worlds energy problems (my husband has been planning to start our children on math before they talk). Perhaps a great novelist or musican. Or most importantly, a kind and loving individual who wishes to help their fellow human beings.

I just feel so sad for it. I wish I could pick it up and move it to the right place. Give it a little push and make it all better. And I know it is not possible. I know the reality is that even if I didn't take a shot, the little one would not live. It would never survive in the wrong place. And it would take me with it. I just wish I could see it for a second, tell it that it was wanted, that it was loved.

My beta today was 857. That is more than doubled from Monday.
If it is up to 1500+ and we do not see it in my uterus on Friday then I will proceed with the shot.

ectoplasmic

2008-05-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

i just got back from my u/s.
Couldn't find the sac.
Based on my numbers my RE thinks it is ectopic. I pretty much agree. I have asked if it is ok to do beta draws on wed and friday and another u/s on friday just in case. If I continue to double I should be at 1500 by then. They should be able to see a sac.
If they don't, then I will proceed with Methotrexate.

This sucks.

I don't want to be one of those desperate people who won't listen to their dr and then wind up loosing a tube. But I also don't want to make a decision that is hasty and loose a child that could have happened.

I think up scenarios of how the numbers could have risen and fallen....perhaps there were two at two different times...perhaps the first one didn't make it...and the second is now rising properly but later.

Is it possible to ovulate a different follicle days later? I wish I knew more. Why didn't I study biology and human anatomy instead of mathematics and music? Damn. I guess I should just teach this thing to double consistently.

What the Frak? - Updated

2008-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

25DPO 05May 378

So it is doubling. Low, but doubling.
CBC is good. Liver function is good.

Not sure what to think.

Thank you for all of your support!

Updated
I have a u/s tomorrow, and I am sure I will have to continue betas every two days for a while until the number rises and the outcome looks good or the number goes to zero.
They are not sure if the u/s will tell much at this time. If it is ectopic it will be hard to see anything. Heck I don't know if they will see anything at all....

I see a bad beta rising, again.

2008-05-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

I went in for another beta today, expeciting it to fall.
It was 119.
Now the doctor really doesn't know what to expect.
I am to be on ectopic alert. I don't see how it could explode at this point if it is ectopic - it is too small???

I have to get another beta on Monday and go in for an U/S on Tuesday. They don't know what to expect.

It is still really really low, so most likely it is not viable or it is ectopic. But it is odd that it would decrease and then increase again.
It is wierd.
Also, my bbs started hurting today. Strange days....
Here is what it has done so far:

15DPO 25APR 41
18DP0 28APR 59
20DP0 30APR 51
22DPO 02MAY 119

I have a cold that started on 18DPO. I am no fertility expert. I have no idea what is going on.
Have a good weekend everyone.

Down and Out in Beth's Ut

2008-04-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well Beta #3 is at 51. So the number is dropping.
It is ok.
I have to go in for another beta on friday. I expect it to drop again. I am supposed to stop my progesterone and I suppose just wait AF to start. We will see.
I really am ok with this. I am glad that it is most likely not ectopic.

I just want to find out why I can get pregnant, but can't stay pregnant. I hope my RE will have some suggestions for other tactics.

I am afraid these experiences might make me forever question any pregnancy tests. Even two lines will never really mean that I will have a baby, it just means that I might, by chance, have a baby some day.

I did take today off. I have a cold, so I just called in sick.

After Friday, things seem to have gone down hill a little for my family. My SIL went in for her first U/S and they couldn't find the sac. She had a D & C today. Another person close to me lost their job.

At this point, I am just glad that both my hubby and I are gainfully employed and enjoy each other's company.

Making sense of it

2008-04-29T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am in a much better frame of mind today.
I know I will not know much until tomorrow afternoon.
The best case is that the number goes way up and all looks fine.
If that does not happen, I hope that the number goes down. I would really rather not have to worry about an ectopic pregnancy.

I have been having that constant small ache in the right side since last week. I have read that this could be a sign of ligament stretching. Otherwise, it could be a sign that it is ectopic, but all that I read about ectopic pain is that it occurs during the rupture, and that won't happen for another few weeks.

I am not sure that I mentioned this before, but if so, I will be repetitive. Last year during my HSG all was well, the tubes were completely open. Then I had the surgery in December and she told me that she couldn't get one of my tubes to clear. She said it was no big deal. Perhaps that is because the surgery was not like the HSG and that it wasn't a good measure. I am not the expert, so I can't add much to it. Since then, I have been worried that one of my tubes has closed.

I am ok with all of this though.
We did have a positive outcome. And we can get it again.
Tomorrow will be a tough day. I am considering taking the day off.

not quite what we were hoping for

2008-04-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

beta 2 - 57
Progesterone was well over the 25 that the RE likes to see.
I am supposed to go in and get a beta on wednesday.
They said to remain cautiously optimistic. I know what that means....

Of course, maybe I am just a slow starter and Wednesday it will be sky high.

I am worried it is ectopic.
I am trying really hard to not have a pity party right now. I still feel so defective.

Starving, tired and waiting

2008-04-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

I went in for my second beta this morning.
I should know something by three. If I do not, I will call nice nurse #2 at the RE and have her call the location where I had the blood drawn.

I am exahausted, unable to concentrate at work, and extremely hungry.

The weekend went by without incident. I had cramps and such throughout and no spotting.

I am still really worried. I am trying not to out too much emphasis on this, so that if it turns out to be another chemical pregnancy I can move on quickly to the next steps. I have a meeting from 1pm - 3pm, so if I can just make it to then I should be fine.
Right now I am snacking on some cheese, carrs crackers and turkey. I am considering opening up my turkey wrap and digging in. It isn't noon yet, but what the hey!

I have been doing HPTs all weekend and the line is still there. It doesn't seem to be any darker, but not really that much fainter either. I know this is a qualitative test and the darkness doesn't really matter, but it still worries me.
Could it be that I am just so early in my cycle that the tests are not going to get darker for a few weeks?
I hope so, or something like that at least.

41

2008-04-25T11:22:00.001-07:00

Well, it is a higher number than I have ever seen before.
Now I am just waiting to see if it doubles.
I have pain on one side and I am worrying about ectopic pregnancies. I guess I should just chill.
I am having a hard time concentrating on my work. I really wish that I could go home right now, but I am not sure what I would do there anyways.
Perhaps I could go buy a new toaster and an air mattress for camping.

Or perhaps the pain is just hormones being secreted out of my ovary.... or maybe it is 'Round ligament pain refers to a type of pelvic pain caused by stretching of the round ligaments. This occurs more commonly on the right side of the pelvis.'

So i go back in on Monday for a second test.

This is a really good day.
I got a substantial raise at work (i mean it was beyond my expectations) AND i got a positive beta.
Let the good times roll....

Beta Eve

2008-04-24T13:48:00.001-07:00

Last weekend we had a wonderful time. The cubbies won in a landslide, had pizza at Gioradonos, got our desks at IKEA, and I got to meet my husband's friend and his wife.

I think the last part was the best, I really enjoyed meeting them. They were interesting and probably the first couple that we have spent time with that is somewhat similar to our lifestyle. They have officially filled out their paperwork for adoption in South Korea. I wish them the best. I know they will be amazing parents.

I was so bushed by the end of the day I ended up curling up on Nadie's (that is my nickname for my husband) shoulder and falling asleep as we watched the end of one of the Harry Potter movies on TV.

This week and last my moods have been a roller coaster ride. I angry about the littlest of things. I have to keep reminding myself that it is probably just the progesterone, but it is so hard. It has been hard to sit through meetings at work without exploding. Most of it has been anger, and a few times I have been on the verge of crying.

I just don't know what I will be like when I am actually pregnant. I hope I don't drive everyone crazy - and I definitely don't want people to think that i would ever intentionally be rude or obnoxious and use pregnancy as an excuse. I guess I will just take one day at a time and worry about that (or not worry!) later.

Tomorrow I have my first beta scheduled. Earlier this week I felt like it was all a bust, because I really wasn't feeling anything in the girl parts area. Only yesterday did I start feeling cramping in the afternoon. Then it stopped again until this afternoon.

I have noticed no implantation bleeding. I am not bleeding at all - which is good - but my cycles are usually so long that I would never expect to start until late next week. I am not sure how all these hormones would affect my cycle length. If I was normal (28 days) then I would still have 4 days to wait.

I decided to take a HPT, just to see if it would show anything. I have taken three since yesterday morning. Each of them have a very faint positive line.
I do have a dilemma though. Today is 14 days post trigger. Who knows if the HCG is still in my system? Everything I read says that due to it's half-life, with my dosage, it could remain in my system 10-14 days. I did POS a few times last week just to see if it still showed up in my system. The first time it was very faint, the second time a few days later I am fairly sure it was negative. If that is right, then this would be a new source of HCG?
I am not going to worry too much over it. I will see what the beta says tomorrow.

Does anyone know if the faintness/darkness of lines on a HPT correspond directly to the amount of HCG in your system? I have both ways. Also, is 14 days post trigger so early that the HCG amount is going to be small even if I am pregnant?

And with all of this, I had a wisdom tooth pulled this morning, and man this gauze is making me nauseous.
I hope everyone is doing great. I have been reading all my buddies posts, and sending positive thoughts out to everyone. I just don't comment that much anymore, because I am try not to get too obsessed.

Well, I better get off to my last class on PCOS.

Its all about the O.

2008-04-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

I am sure I ovulated yesterday. I was crampy and felt bloated and pressure in the Nether regions all day long. Oh and it was 72 hours after the trigger shot too. So duh, of course I ovulated.
It makes me wonder if I have actually been ovulating these past few months, because it was a different type of feeling than I have been experiencing.
Every month since at least November I have felt aches throughout the 2ww every month. They always make me hopeful becuase I have never felt so much consistent action going on in my girl parts.
I am sure it is because my body is functioning better since lifestyle changes and medical assistance. Still, it can be confusing, because I am always wondering - is this it?

I am starting my 2ww today. Tonight I begin progesterone suppositories.

Last night DH was asking (after our marathon BD weekend) 'So what is next? Do we have to BD every other day for the next week?' I think he was a little nervous about keeping up this rate....
I assuaged his fears.

BD every other day from CD10 - CD20 can get old really quickly.

That is why we both are very excited about this cycle. It is the first time we are not in the dark. We have a specific set of dates and know when the right day is this month. In the past my cycle has ranged from 28 to 32 days. It means we never knew which would be the best day to ovulate. OPKs can work, of course, but I am not good at being consistent at peeing on a stick to watch it become darker. (plus it only reminds me of BFNs)

Anyways - here we go! Next weekend DH and I are traveling to Chicago to go to a Cubs game, that should give us something to keep our minds off of it. Oh and I get to go to IKEA. :) :)

One for each Ovary

2008-04-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

I went through the femara and the first three injections without incident.
The trip to NYC was pretty quick, but I was just thankful that I hadn't booked on American since they cancelled so many flights.
I went for my ultrasound today.
My lining was 10. I guess that is good, the minimum they want to see at my clinic (and I am sure most others) is 8 by CD10.
I have two good follicles. One for each ovary. The one on the left is at 16mm and the one on the right is at 14mm. The nurse said they want to see at least 18mm, so I am to do one more shot of Follistim tonight and move on to the trigger tomorrow.
I definitely breathed a sigh of relief when I found it was just two. I had begun to worry that due to the PCOS I would hyper stimulate...phew.

They said I didn't need to go back in, which is nice, because it would have been a pain to re-arrange my schedule.
Surprisingly, my local pharmacy was able to fill my Novarel on the spot. I was concerned because they had to order the Follistim.
And, low and behold, my insurance covered the Novarel and it was under 10 bucks. I was pleasantly surprised.
So tomorrow the DH gets to try his hand at intramuscular injections. He is so concerned about hurting me...it is sweet...but I tell him - no pain no gain.
After that we are scheduled for a weekend of baby dancing.
On Monday I am supposed to start my progesterone suppositories and I am to get a PG test on the 25th if I have not started my period.
Well, off to stimulate those follicles.

Our first Induction Cycle

2008-04-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a really long time since I posted. I have been reading everyone's blogs, but I just didn't feel like there was much news. Also, I have been wrapping up a huge work project (6 months!! AAAHHH!) so it seems like I can come out of hibernation.

This month we start our first month using drugs to stimulate ovulation. I guess what we are doing is exactly like an IUI - minus the IUI. Here is my protocol (or what I can remember from the phone):
2 pills 2.5 of Femara (Letrozole) for cycle days 2 - 6 days
Ultrasound on cyle day 4 to check progress
Follistim on cycle days 7 -9
Ultrasound and bloodwork on cycle day 10
Check to see if ready for trigger
trigger
At some point the nurses willl call and tell us to procreate.

I am really excited.
Of course, AF came four days early (which is not a bad thing on the whole becuase it meant my last cycle was shorter) but it really did mess up my plans. I was supposed to fly to NYC for work on April 9th, spend the evening there buttering up some clients and then fly home the morning of the 10th. Since I started on April 1st (my ovaries are playing a joke on me, right?) my cycle days go with the calendar, which mean I would have to be back early in the morning on the tenth for the ultrasound, bloodwork, and hopefully a trigger shot.

I talked to my boss about it, but the people I am going with I just told them I had a doctors appt I couldn't miss. I found a flight that left at a reasonable time on the ninth to get me home. I still have to go. It is our biggest client, and they want to talk to us about the future of our software...blah blah blah....all good things, just bad timing. It did cost money to the company for me to switch flights, but I figure I have given a lot of my time and effort and life so far for this product - and sometimes I need a bit more in return than a regular paycheck.

I have never done this before, so I was wondering if the follistim has to be done at the same time every night? I can imagine having to go into the bathroom of an airplane to shoot myself in the butt.

In other news, I started taking a class with my Dr's office for women with PCOS. It is pretty cool. One night a week for six weeks. The first hour is educational, the second is a PCOS support group with a therapist.

Oh - and follistim is pretty expensive. Any ideas on the typical cost of a trigger shot? Just wondering what I should expect next week. The Femara was covered in a second tier in my insurance, and I think the follistim is 3rd tier. The dr ordered 2 vials and I think my insurance covers 50 bucks a vial. I don't know if i will even need both of them. So - 125 bucks is not too bad, but I am not sure what the trigger will be. At least the ultrasounds and all that stuff will be covered.

I just hope we don't have to do it over and over again. 125 bucks could get expensive if it is several months in a row.
I am very hopeful right now. I just want to see how it goes. I will not be too let down if it doesn't work the first time, but I am excited...we have been working for so long on natural methods - diet/exercise/metformin and then I had the surgery, but this feels like the first real fertility treatment we have had.

Wish me luck!

Indiana Weather

2008-01-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

In the past three hours, we have had:

50 degree weather

Raining

Thunderstorms

High Winds

Tornado Warnings

Hail

Freezing Rain

Snow

17 degree weather

Welcome to the weather of Indiana.

Post OP

2008-01-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

On January 10th I went in for my post op with RE.
She showed me pictures of my surgery.

She actually gave me copies which I thought about scanning and posting, but there just seemed to be something gross about posting pictures of my internal organs, not to mention the concept of privacy and where do you draw the line. I will definitely be posting ultrasounds and things when I finally get pregnant, but I think I will draw the line at posting pictures of my useless apendix and big white bulgy ovaries.

My ovaries were enlarged (common for PCOS ladies) and then after their diathermy they had a slightly deflated look. Kind of interesting to see my uterus, which did appear pink, smooth and rather pretty. I was surprised.
She said they did find a teeny tiny amount of endometriosis on my uterus during the surgery, but was very adamant about the fact that it was extremely superficial (as she called it) and that it really didn't mean anything. She cleaned it up and moved on.

So it seems like all went well. I had gained four pounds since the surgery and I cowered, waiting for admonishment from her (for some reason I think of her like a stern teacher that expects perfection and I am worried I might get a B or for heavens sake a C! I have always had a problem with not getting above average grades). Instead, she was extremely postive, said most people gain weight in the holiday season and that the new year is time to get back on the program.

While I was there I asked to switch back to Met.for.min from Glu.met.za. Although G is pretty good in the way it is digested, it also costs 50 bucks minimum a month. M is on the super duper generic drug list for our insurance company so it is completely covered and free. She did put me on M Extended Release, so I am hoping that will help to process better in my digestive system. I made the whole decision because I have decided that the reason G was so much better was because I took it all at night, and that M would be just as effective if I took it at night. That has turned to be a correct observation. I think I would rather save 600 dollars this year, than have slightly better digestive processing...I mean really it wasn't THAT much better.

So when I went to pick up the met.for.min, they said my insurance card was inactive. Well I wasn't going to pay 80 bucks for a drug that I switched too so I could have it for free. It turns out, DH's HR or insurance company messed up and switched his gender so they deactivated our insurance (little did I know I had a life partner for a few weeks - I had to do a spot check on DH just to make sure all the right organs were in place - whew!). In the end last week the HR said that our old policy should be back to normal and active, but when I went to get the M after this was supposed to be fixed they said we DID have a new policy. Why is it that when you try to do all of the right things or NOT doing anything to make sure it goes well, some one comes up and sucker punches you? It is like we are Charlie Brown and Lucy keeps taking the football away. We didn't make any changes to our insurance, yet I will still be making 10 phone calls to the freaking insurance company this month - something I did NOT EVER want to do. I hate insurance companies - right? Its like they want me to have high blood pressure so they can deny the claims...

Oh well - I will get over it.

My year...

2008-01-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

Um....I was negative three...but I guess you just can't be eclectic anymore.

You Belong in 1974

Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T07:56:00.001-08:00

This song was written by my good friend Gwen Mitchell. I find it is a good one to listen to when you are trying for a fresh start.

She has a groovy band in Chicago. So if you have a chance and you are in Chi-town, you should go see her.

http://www.gwenmitchell.net/bio.html

100 things

2007-12-22T19:59:00.000-08:00

I have seen a bunch of bloggers do this. I actually started it a few months ago, but man it takes a long time to figure out 100 things you want to share about yourself.

1
Breakfast is my favorite meal.
2
Going to the AFC Championship game in Indy during January of 2007 was one of the most amazing experiences.
3
I have two cats and a ferret by marriage (see 21) - one cat named Mittens and one cat named Birdie.
4
I always wanted to dye my hair blue.
5
I am 7/8ths irish and 1/8th sicilian.
6
I am a big fan of the Indigo Girls.
7
I am a Pro Wii Bowler.
8
I am a singer.
9
I am addicted to Wikipedia.
10
I am Catholic.
11
I am in the process of becoming a Providence Associate.
12
I am NOT a fan of the New England Patriots.
13
I am obsessed with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer collectibles.
14
I am the youngest of nine children (all from the same two parents). I have four sisters and four brothers.
15
I did not want to grow up or start wearing bras or get my period - I wanted to stay a kid forever.
16
I enjoy doing brain-teasers.
17
I grew up in a log cabin in the forest.
18
I had Punky Brewster tennis shoes in fourth grade.
19
I had surgery for the first time in December 2007.
20
I hate dealing with insurance and cable companies.
21
I have a cat named Grace - she is addicted to feather toys.
22
I have a golden retriever named Starbuck.
23
I have a knack for remembering song lyrics.
24
I have a miniature Australian Shepherd named Gus.
25
I have always been a sandals girl. My toes need to be free.
26
I have an irrational fear that my car will get hit by a train, so I try to avoid any stops that are right at a train track.
27
I have been an Indianapolis Colts fan since I was a kid.
28
I have been friends with my best friend (outside of my DH) since we were five years old.
29
I have curly dark brown hair.
30
I have fifteen nieces and nephews and one more on the way.
31
I have found that the best friends in life cross age, gender and pretty much any boundary you can think of.
32
I have lost around 37 lbs in the past six months.
33
I have never needed glasses, but always wanted to wear them so I could accessorize.
34
I have PCOS.
35
I have spent hours contemplating what the island on Lost really is.
36
I heart coffee.
37
I heart McDonald's french fries.
38
I just bought my first real adult purse.
39
I like beer. A lot.
40
I like listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN Radio.
41
I like to eat the partially popped popcorn kernels the best (so does my husband - so we fight for them).
42
I love clouds.
43
I love giving christmas presents.
44
I love mexican food.
45
I love playing with data. Give me a problem in the database and I will get sucked into researching it for hours.
46
I love seafood.
47
I love snow - as long as I don't have to drive in it.
48
I love the new Battlestar Galactica.
49
I love to cook.
50
I love to hike and camp.
51
I love to make mix cds - with themes and a special cover and the whole she-bang.
52
I majored in Mathematics and Music in college.
53
I met Chuck Berry when I was six.
54
I miss ChiChi's restuarants, especially their seafood nachos and seafood enchiladas.
55
I once accidentally squirted ketchup all over the president of my company.
56
I play a little guitar and even less piano.
57
I played Dorothy in The Wiz when I was in college.
58
I played Lucy in a musical version of Narnia when I was nine.
59
I sang in a rock band with my sister L for a few years.
60
I sing first or second alto in choirs, but according to my vocal coach I am a soprano.
61
I still remember the thrill of the Hoosiers winning the NCAA championship in 1987 when I was ten. My brothers and I ran outside to our basketball court and pretended to be Keith Smart. (Yes, most houses in small-town Indiana have a basketball court to play on.)
62
I thought long and hard about becoming a nun - then I got married.
63
I totally and utterly love my husband.
64
I used to wear tye-dye shirts all the time.
65
I visited Europe twice in college.
66
I volunteered for a year through Americorps after I graduated college. While volunteering, I lived in a convent.
67
I want to make a quilt in my life.
68
I want to visit all of the human inhabited continents in my life.
69
I was a cheerleader from second grade to my senior year of high school.
70
I was a dancer when I was a kid - I took Tap, Jazz, Ballet, Tumbling, Clogging,Pom lessons for 13 years.
71
I was born in Indianapolis.
72
I was born on my brother M's 15th birthday.
73
I was extremely afraid of the dark until I was about 15. Sometimes I still get wigged out.
74
I was married in September of 2005.
75
I was so addicted to the Dark Tower Series that I bought two Concordances just to learn more about them.
76
I watched the entire series of Star Trek the Next Generation within three months.
77
I went to a woman's college in Indiana.
78
I went to all three years of the Lilith Fair.
79
I went to the beatification of the foundress of my college in Rome.
80
I wish I could eat potatoes without guilt.
81
I work in software.
82
In fourth grade I started an underground newspaper in my classroom.
83
My brother D went to Iraq at the beginning of the war. My sister L leaves on January 3rd.
84
My brother T and I were in the same grade from first grade on and we walked together in graduation (it was amazing we didn’t trip each other).
85
My dad had ten siblings and my mother had six. Our family is freaking humongous.
86
My dad is a retired truck driver and my mother is a homemaker. They are AWESOME at being parents. I only hope I can do as well as they did.
87
My dance group used to perform at the half-time of the Pacer games - when I was around six years old
88
My favorite Chipmunk is Alvin.
89
My favorite color is blue.
90
My favorite flower is the Gladiola.
91
My favorite holiday is Easter.
92
My favorite pizza is garlic, liced tomatoes, mushrooms and extra cheese.
93
My favorite type of sandwich is the Rueben.
94
My husband and I are playing each other for my family's fantasy football championship game.
95
My husband and I grew up fans of arch rival college teams.
96
My mom's sister married my dad's brother. It is totally legal - just strange to explain.
97
My mother's middle name is Nona, the latin word for Nine. She subsequently had nine children.
98
Our house burned to the ground when I was in kindergarten. I have no baby pictures of myself.
99
The only bone I have ever broken was my arm when I was three. I fell off of a slide.
100
Zelda Twilight Princess was the funnest video game I ever played.

Beautiful Ovaries and murmuring hearts

2007-12-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

Pre post notes:
Thanks for all the well wishes and birthday messages! My tens digit has officially changed! I was out of town all last week for work and we drove safely back from Chicago on my birthday through the wonderful snow on my birthday. I finally recovered from the trip (oh and partying:)) on Tuesday and now I am home for the rest of the year.

OK - back to post:

I always find it funny when my RE compliments my organs...during the HSG I had very nice fallopian tubes...and today after my surgery (while still groggy from the drugs) she said I had beautiful ovaries. It makes me giggle...:) of course - ugly ovaries that function properly might be a bit more practical - but I will take what I can get.

The painting above is 'A Waltz of the betrayer' by Annie Lin. Her comment on the painting is: "I tend to transform my images to a more metaphorical, anxious, aggressive, and restraint image. The composition and meaning, "masculinity" and "femininity”, inner and outer, subjective and objective, are all interwoven. The whole painting is in the process of wrapping and opening; which is similar to a psychological stage of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring."

Although this set of paintings is geared toward the normal process from sexual pleasure, to the machine that exists inside our body for reproduction, it really speaks to me about the journey my DH and I are on.

Her final painting in the series (you can see them at http://www.annie-lin.moonfruit.com/) is a metaphoric womb showing the relationship between mother and child - hormonally and emotionally. I hope one day I can relate to that painting as well.

'A Waltz of the betrayer' - has a slightly different meaning to me than her personally intention. With PCOS, the definition feminine or masculine becomes blurred. I don't see a lot of people blogging about the hormonal side effects, but I know we all experience them to some effect.

The random hairs that appear on my chin (or sometimes that slightly detectable 'stash) always make me feel self-conscious (sometimes to the point of obsession - can we say tweezer-girl??). The inability to ovulate and have normal periods or establish the right womb environment to carry a child can really make me question my femininity. For the most part I can reason those insecure thoughts out of my head, but month after month, or morning after morning takes some perseverance.

Today was my laparoscopy. I was very nervous, because I have never been put under general anesthesia. Heck! I have never even had an IV before. Everything went well, although I do have an abnormal heart beat which was concerning to my anesthesiologist. I remember back when I was around 16 and my family doctor first diagnosed me with PCOS. At that same time they did a bunch of tests on my heart because the heartbeat was so slow and irregular. 14 years later and it is still slow and irregular (although slow now is 49 - 50 beats per minute, where it used to be 42-45 beats per minute). It has always had this extra fluctuation or murmur, that can sometimes confuse a machine (like treadmills or monitors). All was well then, so I supposed it is good now.

Everything went fine today and I am now set to rest with some nice vicodin for the next few days. Once I finally got into the operating room they put an oxygen mask on my face. The air was blowing in my eye and she told me I could close my eyes. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up, while still in the OR. Sounds silly, but that was all I was worried about (the waking up part)- so I have been fine since then.

I have a better understanding of the process and reasoning behind doing this surgery (thank goodness!). My ovaries were rather large (but lovely - haha!). The process was done to aspirate my cysts. This means that over then next three to six months my ovaries won't be spewing out all those male hormones, and my body will get a chance to act like a normal non-PCOS person.

The procedure was not nearly as invasive as others you see when googling ovarian drilling. They used sound to make small incisions into all of the cysts on both ovaries. This causes them to dissipate into my system. Over time they will eventually build back up. Until then, as long as I do ovulate (which this will help to initiate too) my reproductive system will function in the normal feminine manner. Since I have been ovulating on my own (no clomid or anything like that) for a few months now, I have a really good feeling about this procedure. I do think it is a positive step to get us closer to our ultimate goal.

I also had a D&C to clean out my uterine lining. I think that is probably a good thing. This is all like one big fresh start.

So for now - my ovaries are "in the process of wrapping and opening" and my heart is "in the state of hesitation for desire, full of curiosity and self murmuring."

P.S. I know that I am not citing my sources according to MLA or APA styles, and I am not sure what the legal ramifications of posting a picture from another site are, but it spoke to me too much not to risk it. Any suggestions on how to do these things in the future (good how-to links on siting sources and posting pictures in blogs) are greatly appreciated.

Drilling it is....

2007-12-11T17:30:00.001-08:00

AF came two days early this month. That is not a bad thing - maybe these cycles will actually shorten to 28 days.

So anyways, since she did come, I expect to go into surgery on December 20th. I am kind of nervous, because I have never had surgery of any kind before. I don't expect this to be that big of a deal, but I may turn into a super baby afterwards, you never know.

Speaking of AF, my husband's great Aunt, whom he is very close with, is named Florence. Every time I think of AF, I just have to giggle a bit.

I am headed off to Chicago for meetings and company outings the rest of the week and weekend. It should be fun and intersting. I have to make a quick trip to the American Girl doll store for my Mom to pick up some Christmas presents.

My birthday is on Sunday, so I will be looking forward to getting home to hang with my wonderful husband and parents (and whomever else shows up) to blow out the birthday candles. I turn the big 3-0. It is so crazy to think of thirty years. My best friend since kindergarten and I went to the Tori Amos concert to celebrate our big year.

Maybe when I turn 31 I will be a momma...you never know.

No one said it would be easy

2007-12-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

I had a thought on my way home this morning.

Most of the time, in my life, things have come easy to me. Things that other people might call really hard, like term papers and math tests - I can do those - no sweat. I can sing a song to thousands of people - no big deal.

All these things might be hard for a lot of people - and they do not really phase me that much. I don't mean that I don't have to work at stuff (especially the work stuff - time cures a lot of things), but I am just saying that it may not of been as hard for me as some people.

I guess what I mean is that I know in a lot of ways, I know I have led a very blessed life. Some things do come easier to me than they do to other people. Except for this one thing....

We have been trying for two years to have a child. I think I have tried harder to succeed at this than I did through my entire journey to a Mathematics degree. I have had to modify my entire lifestype (not with entire success) and still we are not getting the grade we hope for.

I am not used to that. I don't mean to say I am spoiled. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my hand, and my daddy is still a retired truck driver with nine children - but as far as having the ability to achieve or do something - I have never had to work this hard.

I kind of got an "A" a month ago or so...and then someone said I was cheating or something and I toatally failed. I am not used to failure. Every month that goes by without a pregnancy seems like a failure to me. And maybe I take it harder because I am not used to failure.

OK - I won't annoy you anymore with my 'Woe is my spoiled brat' whining - and I will continue to work as hard as I can - I just needed to vent.

Intoxicating, hot, complex and crazy - just like me!

2007-12-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

Your Score: Juniper Berries

You scored 75% intoxication, 25% hotness, 75% complexity, and 75% craziness!

You are Juniper Berries! You're a drunk. No, really. Cool it with the hooch. Just kidding. You're really good at adding flavour to boring old life. You can be astringent at times, but once the harshness passes, you're quite relaxing. And you smell good, too.

Link: The Which Spice Are You Test written by jodiesattva on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Miracle Chair

2007-12-03T03:42:00.001-08:00

I am thinking about heading off to Naples to have a seat in the miracle chair.

:)

Actually, I find this post very interesting. I think I am starting a novena tonight. I know our family and friends have said many prayers for the expansion of our family. And, of course, we have prayed ourselves. Still, I like the idea of structured specific prayers that helps us focus on our goals and gives us hope and peace of mind through meditation.

Don't get the wrong idea though - I am not uber-catholic or anything. I have a lot of things I should work on (especially from a spiritual perspsective), and consistency is one of them (like you can tell with the Blog, eh?).

What happened to November?

2007-11-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

This month has flown by. The first half was the end of my time off cycle and this second half has been filled with inlaws and Thanksgiving. I did manage to make a Martha Stewart turkey and all of the fixings. It was stressful, but tasty.

I am mid-2WW.
I am hoping that I won't have to have the ovarian drilling next month. It wouldn't happen if this cycle was successful. We will see. I am feeling positive either way.

I am so happy for all the BFPs out there....go get 'em tigers! Other that - it is pretty calm around here...

The Magician

2007-11-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

You Are The Magician

You are powerful and wise - beyond what anyone can see.
Deeply complex, you have the resources to connect to the spiritual and material world.
You posses the knowledge to manipulate your life and the lives around you.
You also have a great healing power, should you choose to use it.

Your fortune:

You have unhidden powers that you have yet to tap into.
Soon, you will better understand how to use your intellect and intuition.
Believe it or now, you will discover how you can manipulate yourself and others for good.
You are at the beginning of a path of spiritual enlightenment.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Spooky UTIs and Scary Ovarian Drilling

2007-10-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

So last week I ended up with the dredded UTI. It wasn't a horrible one, but it did strike at an inopportune time. I started my anti-biotics on Friday, and should have started the progesterone suppositories on Sunday - three days post LH surge - but I didn't think it was appropriate. So we have decided to wait to try next cycle. DH has a bad cold too, so BD wasn't really in the cards either. I am ok with that.
1. The suppositories would have aggrivated my UTI.
2. It is usually recommended to wait after a miscarriage (even though my RE was ok with us trying right away since it was such a very short pg).
3. RE suggested that three full months on MET usually provides the best results.

That leads to my second topic. I had my RE appt today. The good news...I lost eight pounds again! I was glad to see that. I am averaging around 4 pounds a month. I am ok with this - because I feel like it will be easier to keep it off. Slow and steady wins the race.

She got on me for not doing taking the UDO supplements as best as I could. I really tried at first, but when I put it with my food it just made everything seem icky. And it is not something you want to down by itself. I swore that I would make it more of a priority - that I WILL do it. She suggested putting it in juice. So I tried that tonight with some grapefruit juice and it seemed much easier to down. I have to take a teaspoon twice a day.

I also started Vitamin D supplements, 2000 IU. She sort of chastised me about the Vitamin D too, because she said her handbook suggests taking it...but that handbook is 30 pages It has so much stuff in it that I am probably missing more than a few things. It is all GREAT stuff. But life changing is hard, and I am doing the best I can. I sort of felt like the bad student.

And I decided to switch to cinnamon supplements rather than just adding it to my coffee. I never knew cinnamon was so good for you, but evidently it is GREAT for people with insulin resistance! Check it out!

Don't get me wrong, she was not mean or nasty or anything, and she was positive to me about my weight and all that stuff. But, my hormone levels are still out of whack and these things she says will help to get them balanced. I wouldn't change doctors for the world. I just wish I could get it all down and get my hormones at the levels she thinks is necessary for a healthy and happy Beth and future baby.

So she suggested that the next step that she recommends before the end of the year is to have Laproscopic surgery on my ovaries.
We are still thinking about it. My inital reaction was that I didn't think it was the right time,but then I heard what she was saying, and I took the literature. I wanted to talk to the DH about it. She does not do intense drilling, but very small cuts into the ovary. Evidently it helps to reverse all excess male hormones and gets rid of some of the old eggs. In my case it could increase our pregnancy rate significantly within the first four months - AND with the hormonal balance, give the pg more stay-put-ability.

I have never had any type of surgery before. I would be recovered in a few days. And since we have already met the deductible, it will be less money to do it now.

So I am saying all these positive things, but we are still deciding. We are leaning towards doing it, but not 100 percent yet.

Some halloween/nfl cheer - as I watch the original movie and patiently wait for the big game this sunday:
And here's a picture of the pups for good measure:

I am going to see Tori Amos on Friday evening. I am so excited. My best friend from Kindergarten and I are going in celebration of turning 30 this year. Today is her birthday - so Happy B-day C! We are going to have a fantabulous time! And since we are holding off on TTC this month - I can have all the gewurztaminer and hefeweizen I want - well at least a few glasses without feeling guilty...

I hope you had HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!

On to the next thing

2007-10-19T04:57:00.000-07:00

Well I did start a new cycle last monday afternoon.
On Tuesday I was supposed to go in for another beta, but the dr's office did not send in the lab request, so I waited for the labs for nothing. Since I was having pretty bad cramps at the time I took the day off. I didn't see the point in getting another beta when it was pretty clear the little bugger didn't take. Still my doctor wants me to go back and get one more beta this week when I get my b/w done for the next visit. She wants to see that it is at zero.

My right ovary seems to have some sort of pain every day. Not excruciating pain, but little stabs. I don't know if this is normal. I am guessing that since my body is starting to function properly that I am experiencing the pains of normal reproductive organ processing and not some crazy problem where my ovaries start working and then they just keep on spewing out eggs. I know this is not possible, I just don't quite get these little stabs from my girl down there. I am looking forward to that beta just to calm the fears that creep in saying that either my period was not a period or something else is wrong that my dr needs to know about. I am a hypochondriac sometimes, so I know my fears are probably silly - I just need to know for sure.

I asked the nurse at my clinic if maybe I should use Progesterone in the last part of my cycle and she said she would check with the Doc and get back to me.

The doctor said that was fine (they called this Wednesday). She prescribed Progesterone suppositories. I guess they have to be specially made. I had to pay for them over the phone to the pharmacy that will make them and ship them to my pharmacy. It was strange to get a phone call from some random pharmacy, but they cost less than 5 bucks. I was so surprised about that. Something so inexpensive could help, so I am all for trying.

Does anyone have any opinions on the effectiveness of suppositories compared to injections? At this point, since we were lucky to get pregnant in the first place, I am ok with the suppositories because even if it isn't as effective because it is really just an extra something. Everything I read about the nightmares of shooting PIO into your bottom every evening kind of scares me. I am just looking to find out what I am getting myself into and what others think about the differences between the two methods - or oral progesterone if you have done that.

In other news, my insurance FINALLY processed the first few b/w charges. My insurance saga began all the way back in August. It took 5 faxes and approximately five thousand phone calls (not to mention contacting old insurance companies and actually getting them to send me faxes - yes I managed to pull off that impossible feat by persistance and annoyance).

I love contacting my insurance company. They are so helpful and competant. I am so surprised that people are so geared toward customer service these days! From cable to big insurance companies - I just can't believe how wonderful the these corporations are treating their customers. And if you believe any of the previous sentences in this paragraph, I am sorry - it was all a lie.

I am thinking we should crack open some champagne in celebration.

Random comment - This is the second weekend in a row where there is no Colts game on Sunday. It doesn't feel like a weekend when that happens during the season. We fill our time with other fun things (like the feast of the hunter's moon or hanging with the Providence Associates).

Going down, down, down

2007-10-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

Beta #2
17

I don't really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like - oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don't know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn't started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed - but still occurred.

You know what though...I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs - that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can't deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn't very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses - a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it - or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past - and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn't post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn't more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him - sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying - we will keep on - but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me - but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me - and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me - but I can't make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don't think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.

Beta #1 - 21

2007-10-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of questions going through my head right now.
I did not really expect this.
I am totally excited, since I have never seen a BFP AND we did not do any treatment other than diet, exercise and metformin. I am really just astonished, but leary because this is a very low number.
We will see what number 2 says tomorrow.
It could be that I just ovulated really late - since my cycle is so strange.

And I always thought it would take more than two people for us to get this accomplished...

God is good.
God will still be good if tomorrow's numbers are lower.

Autumn Splendor

2007-09-15T05:36:00.001-07:00

This weekend we are going to a college football game. It is so wonderful out. The crisp feeling of the air. I turned off the air conditioner.

Autumn is just beginning in Indiana and all is well.

The baby shower last weekend was great. I miss my friend - she is sooo beautiful with her belly all round and high. She is always beautiful, but there is a special beauty to seeing her as a mother-to-be.

It reminds me of the Patience card in my Osho Zen Tarot deck:

This week was crazy busy at work, as it usually is coming off of a vacation. Although this time I really felt organized about it. Over the past year I have implemented this system that allows me to manage my inbox. I can't believe how much it reduces my stress. (Outlook users - I use an addon called 'ClearContext' - it is amazing.)

Still, with work being busy and working out after dinner, I had little energy left to blog. Also, it is that time of the month when I am waiting to ovuluate. Last month I totally felt the O pains happen.

So far it is day 15 and I have no rumblings in the under-carriage just yet. Since my cycle is not very, um, cyclical, right now I do not think I am on the normal 14 days for ovulation. I expect it to come around Sunday.

I started my new drug regime (upping my Met to 2000mg, adding prednisone, and continuing my synthroid). It takes a little time for my body to get used to the higher dosage of MET - but it is alright. I am used to needing a bathroom near at all times.

I also just bought a new book that my doctor recommends - 'The Insulin Resistance Diet'. I plan on modifying my low carb diet to reflect this type of diet that is high in fiber and protein and sticks to complex carbs (when carbs are eaten).
(http://www.amazon.com/Insulin-Resistance-Diet-Bodys-Fat-Making-Machine/dp/0809224275/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-2395984-2703967?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189861555&sr=8-1)

I plan on reading it on the way up to the football game.

I am looking forward to a great weekend!